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SLREED
SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 217
Experience:  MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
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Im a 45y\o man, getting to know a 41y\o woman, 3 states away.

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I'm a 45y\o man, getting to know a 41y\o woman, 3 states away. We met online and so far things are good. We were matched 5,6 weeks ago and met in person for the first time last weekend. We both travelled to meet and spend the weekend together, and it went very well. We both said we'd like to do it again. We both have the ability to travel.

Also, we both agree and have said that, at this point, it's 'dating' and that we shouldn't close off other options and opportunities right away. Kinda boilerplate stuff.
BUT, turns out I liked her a lot and wish to pursue it; I don't have any other interests at this moment. Of course I don't know about her.

SO...... we do not have a carved-in-stone plan for the next get together. I know that she is travelling for a pro football game next weekend; I have no clue who she'll be with. It seems she will be with Someone, could be friends, could be relatives, BUT she usually names names and with this she has not. She HAS said that she'd actually PREFER another game elsewhere the same day.........

SO MY DILEMMA: I don't know what to do in this situation. It seems the gentlemanly thing to do is nothing- to keep my mind off it as much as possible, let it come and go.....not bring it up, etc. But then it becomes the 800lb. gorilla in the room.

A friend or two think that I should lightheartedly and good naturedly suggest that she go with ME to the other game instead. I'd LOVE to do this, and could make it happen, but I don't want to seem pushy or rude.

Ladies, what's my best approach?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  SLREED replied 1 year ago.
First I would like to put things into perspective before giving you my answer. First you guys were matched about 5 or 6 weeks ago and have only met once. I think that it is good that you want to begin a relationship with her and I do agree that you should tell her, but I think that you should choose to tell her at the right time.

The first thing is that you guys have only met once. When you decided to tell her, I think that you should at least have one or two more meetings. The reason for this, is because although you may be sure about your relationship, she may not be. When you asked her to be with only you, you want to make sure that she feel completely comfortable with you, and you want to make sure that she feels that she is not rushing into anything.

As far as the possibility that it is another dates. I would not look too much into it. The reason why, is because you guys met online. With that being said, she may have been “meeting” other people the same time that she was meeting you. It does not make it wrong. The only thing that she may be trying to figure out, in which one that she likes the best, XXXXX XXXXX may have met you guys around the same time. Sorry to say, but that typically how online dating works. People tend to talk to more than one person, because you never know where it may lead, and as you meet the people, you weed out which ones you want to get serious with versus which ones you don’t. So her football plans or other dating plans may have been in place before she even met you in person, and she wants to see those plans through before making a decision.

You can ask her if she wants to go with you to the other game instead, I don’t see anything wrong with that. But you also do not want to become too much too fast for her. If she has made plans with someone else, even if it is a relative. You don’t want to come across as a person that is trying to dominate her time early on. This may turn her off from a relationship with you.

Therefore, my advice to you, is that it is good that you like her, and it is a great possibility that she likes you too. But when you choose to tell her about how you feel, I would tell her the next time that you guys meet face to face. Also when you bring up the idea to her, I would lay out exactly how you would like this relationship to go. How often you plan on seeing each other, since you are three state away. One of the main things that may be deterring her from a relationship with you is the distance. You may say something like:

“ I know that we previously agree to see other people and that we were just dating, but on my end, I don’t think that I want to date other people, I only see myself with you, and I want to be in a committed relationship with you, what do you think?”

By saying it this way, you leave it open ended so that she can tell you what she thinks about being in serious relationship, and if she has any concerns this will give her a chance to voice them here, and that way you can have your answer about weather she wants to move forward with you or not.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Hello, and thanks for your thoughtful reply. However I must clarify, maybe I wasn't clear in my question, because I don't think you really understood or answered my question.


 


I am not at all ready to ask her to be exclusive. In my heart and in my head, I am leaning that way. However I DO realize that we haven't known each other for very long, and while our phone conversations have been lengthy and extensive, I'm not new to online dating and know that we need more time. I also do not want to 'push' her or be too assuming, too forward.


 


My question was, simply, do I ask her to forgo her other plans and go to another game with me? Not even that I really expect her to DO that- although of course if she would I would be thrilled- but really as a way to let her know that I'm willing to put in the effort to spend the time with her, AND to kind of chivalrously let her know, I wish she were with me rather than (possibly) someone else?


 


I DO NOT want to come across as pushy, nor possessive. But I would like to let her know I'll go to great lengths for her.


 


Can I ask? Should I ask? Of course it would have to be in a gallant and charming manner, not forceful or heavyhanded at all.


 


Would she likely be flattered? OR would it do me more damage than good?

Expert:  SLREED replied 1 year ago.
I would not asked her to forgo her other plans to go with you. I think that it is thoughtful that you want to spend time with her. However, I would not want her to think that you are trying to dominate her time early on. If you would like, you can try to bring it up in gentle non threatening way and say

“ I was going to go a game on (day), I was wondering if you wanted to go too…oh wait I forgot, did you still have plans to go that other football game”

This way, you are asking your question, but you are not coming across in a way in which you want her to drop her other plans for you. Because asking her to forgo her other plans right out, may cause her to feel that you are being possessive, and trying to control her time, even if you did not mean it that way. Based on her response to this question, would determine what you would say. If she agrees to go, then you can say more about how you feel and how happy you are that she decided to go with you instead of her other plans. If she says no, I wouldn’t get upset, or even express disappointment, because once again, this may give the idea that you are being pushy and can’t handle rejection even if this is not how you are.
SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 217
Experience: MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
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