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Doctor Kevin
Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1482
Experience:  24 years in a private practice
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im 47 and just split up with my 39 year old girlfriend after

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im 47 and just split up with my 39 year old girlfriend after four years. i caught her with another guy. this one is tricky for you guys. I am also splitting up with the mother of my kids after 23 years. The relationship had been dead for over eight years. Think seperate bedrooms. My girlfriend since i told her i was splitting up now can not committte to me. hence the instant new guy she wants a future with. Please do not patronise or judge me. I dearly loved my girlfriend and planned my entire future through her. Yes I can understand her panic. I know time heals and I know no contact rule. I also know 99% of 'affairs' end in disaster due to the change from affair to commitment. I might be mad but I want to buck the trend. This relationship is too important to just let go. we are both intelligent caring loving people. I do understand her reasoning. She explained she wanted to try this new man and it might be the biggest mistake of her life. I doubt it would even touch the intenisity and deep love we shared. I dearly want my future with her back. Do you have any advise. I do not want to be 'mr nice' but i do want to aliviate her fears without me appearing needy or weak.


 


I draughted this text reply but I have not sent:


U still do not get it do you. U have lied and cheated me. Me. Remember that Kate Remember who you have just done this to. what I believe and value. then go and compare me. I never required your commitment but I wish you the best in your future. i honestly do

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 2 years ago.

Kevin Kappler :

Thank you for choosing this website. Your concern is that you will be patronized or judged. To patronize means a lack of judgment and a tendency to glorify your situation.To judge means to make a decision based on values about your relationships. Hopefully I will be able to stay within those limits. You sound like you are cleaning up some messy and unresolved situations so that you can move on in your life.


 

Customer:

hi a fine reply


 

Customer:

u there?


 

Kevin Kappler :

I believe you are saying that you are wanting a separate bedrooms with the mother of your children. Am I led to believe that you are still living with the mother of your children? That may not be the best place to start a new relationship from. It is hard to demand fidelity from a new girlfriend when you are sleeping in the same house as your wife. Until you can establish your own residence you really cannot demand that your girlfriend not see other men.


 

Kevin Kappler :

The fact that she started a new relationship is proof that she needs more than what a relationship with you is providing. If you send such an angry letter to her it will simply destroy any chances you have of salvaging a relationship. You would be much wiser to let her know that you are planning on living separately and hope that she may be available to start a relationship when you do


 

Customer:

the relationship with kate has been on going for four years. it is only since i told her i was now splitting up that this has happened. in fact it is less than 6 weeks before the now ex is moving out


 

Customer:

it is only since then she has decided she will not be able to comitte to me after years of dreaming this would happen


 

Kevin Kappler :

then if your ex-wife has moved out it is unfortunate that Kate has met a single man but you still have no control over her unless the two of you have discussed not seeing other people.


 

Customer:

she knows i will be single in 6 weeks totally and utterly that is what has scared her


 

Customer:

i know i done own or demand anything


 

Kevin Kappler :

if you have made it clear that you wanted monogamous relationship then you have some right to be angry but your anger will only reduce any chance you have of a future relationship with Kate. As you say you should not be judgmental in her case but wish her well and keep in touch


 

Kevin Kappler :

as I've said if you and Kate have discussed and agreed upon monogamy than you have a right or an explanation on her part. Often these situations develop out of the passive anger that the mistress feels when it takes so long for her lover to separate from his wife


 

Customer:

i had made it clear i wanted a monogamous relationship i wanted my entire future with her


 

Customer:

i am free in six weeks i fear it is commitment she fears


 

Customer:

my earnest desire is to not lose my love. I presume i simply wait and hope her new realtionship does not work out and that i may be able to salvage a future


 

Kevin Kappler :

then you should talk about it with her especially if you both agreed to not see other people. If you were the only person who agreed to that than there is not much you can do


 

Kevin Kappler :

sometimes remaining a good friend while a woman you are interested in tries out a new relationship puts you in the best position to start a relationship after she breaks off with the man she is currently seeing


 

Kevin Kappler :

it would be a bad idea to think that she started this new relationship out of fear that you may finally be free and available.


 

Customer:

i think she has got cold feet and thought do i really want my future with glen. unfortunatly i in my own mind had committed to kate. i am devistated, she is scared she has lost the love her life by departing from me


 

Customer:

so if i texted i understand her dilemma i will be free in six weeks or however long it takes for my ex to leave and if she would like to meet up then it might be a more realistic pospect of a future?


 

Customer:

if she is single!


 

Customer:

i want her to remember what we have


 

Customer:

and our futures


 

Customer:

our kids futures she has two children too


 

Kevin Kappler :

i would start out by saying how much you value her friendship and communication.Then I would say that even though she is involved with another man I would very much like to be friends. I would explain my situation in terms of


being single and leave it at that.

Customer:

i understand but i feel i have been cheated i feel i have been lied to and she aknowleges this. yet i love her and i fear simple forgiveness makes me appear weak


 

Customer:

i do not wish to be relegated to friend i can not see how i could make that adjustment


 

Kevin Kappler :

if you even mention being angry because you feel cheated and lied to you will make it that much more difficult to continue their relationship with her. Sometimes the weak overcomes the strong and in this case that is certainly what is happening


 

Customer:

wow excellant reply


 

Kevin Kappler :

if you cannot see yourself as just being a friend then you need to blow her off with an angry message and find someone else


 

Customer:

lol ok i see your point


 

Customer:

im impressed


 

Kevin Kappler :

the choice is yours I am simply pointing out the best way to go.


 

Customer:

so ok to clarify i tell her i understand her dilemma. do i say i still love her?


 

Customer:

because i do!


 

Kevin Kappler :

him I would not come right out and say that you love her but I would tell her how much I appreciate her and her perspective on things. Don't be patronizing but at the same time let her know that you value what she has to say and her feelings. You are really saying the same thing but telling her you love her will only confuse matters.


 

Customer:

thank you


 

Customer:

I know not if you are religious but if so please say a prayer for me i so want this relationship to work and for my future to feel loved and secured. stupid really but at 47 i was so hoping i could stop looking i so wanted to love deeply and not just romantically again

Kevin Kappler :

I am 60 and still am facing the issues of how to keep a relationship romantically alive. If someone tells you it gets easier as you get older they think you must be a fool to believe them. The principles remain the same in that especially in your case you need to create a space in your heart (in your life) large enough for the other person to come in.


 

Kevin Kappler :

Great Service is my goal. If you feel you have gotten anything less let me know and I will discuss things further. I am always ready to provide more details, information or suggestions. . If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Kevin" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it.


 

Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1482
Experience: 24 years in a private practice
Doctor Kevin and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 2 years ago.
Glen I hope my answer helped. In the future if you want me to answer a question put for "Doctor Kevin" on it and I will get it

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