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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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What exactly does this woman (around 40) wants? Can someone

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What exactly does this woman (around 40) wants?

Can someone offer some sage advice. This is driving me crazy. I will try to summarize:

I casually met a woman about a year ago at my apartment complex workout center. After our workout we would talk for quite awhile about anything and everything. We hit it off immediately. She did tell me she always had problems communicating with men. During this time, we would spend time at the pool and would go out casually as friends. I tried to kiss her once she but turned her head. At times she would talk to me about sex in a joking manner even though, like I said she would not let me kiss her.

Since then, we both transferred to another, but the same, health club. We again would talk during our workouts and afterward. One day (about 3 months ago)she said to me that I appear to be a guy that would use a girl and then leave her (I am not!). I could not tell whether she meant it seriously but I took it as such. After she said that I ignored her for awhile. Then gradually we started to talk again. Things have not been the same since then.

Here is my question. When I see her at the health club now she will rarely if ever approach me. At times, she appears to actually avoid me. Today at the health club she was using a machine. A friend I knew was on the machine next to her. When I approached my friend to talk with him she left. Just walked away. This is not a one time event. She does it constantly. She will walk by and give a sly glance out of the side of her eyes but not say anything. But, if I approach her, she will talk friendly and flirtatiously at times. Also,many time she brings up the topic of sex in some fashion. As an example, her and her girlfriend just came back from a beach vacation. She told me the waves were high and she lost her top a few times. (Said with a big smile). She had also mentioned a woman having needs and about sex toys (Kinda embarrased to say that but is true).

The problem is she will smile and talk with other people but with me she will either ignore me or stare at me out of the corner of her eye. I have to approach her. If I did not approach her she would come and leave the club without ever talking with me. Again, when we do talk, she will always tell me how good of shape I am in and that I am attractive but will rarely, if ever, make the first move. At one point she commented about how her mother thought I was very attractive (strange?). Her discussions now always in some manner revolve around a girl's needs. She also told me a few days ago I am nice but naive. I am very attracted to her but am unsure what, if anything, she expects.

Could someone offer me some advice.Why is she acting like this? I have always been nice to her and treat her with respect. I get jealous when I see her talking with other guys (even though they only talk for a few minutes). Let me say, I believe, but cannot be sure, that she only talks to me about sex and no other men at the health club. She appears to be very comfortable saying just about anything to me as long as I start the conversation. At times she will ask personal, sexual questions. Again, I can almost guarantee she only talks to me like this.

Also, after she came back from vaction she showed me some photos. On one of the photos was a much younger guy. I guess her, her girlfriend and this guy were all dancing at the club. She said he bought her a few drinks and they were just dancing. Nothing else. Also said he sent her a couple e-mails. She said there was nothing else to it. Is she showing me these pictures to get me jealous? I've never been through this before. What does she want?

Three days ago I sent her a text asking her out. She sent a text back and said she was in school until 8:30 and if she could she could go she would let me know. She did e-mail me back but said it was too late if that was ok. She will always respond to my e-mails that is also what is confusing.

Also, I believe she only has one close girl friend. She does everything with her. Today, after I approached her she said she was going to a fair with this girlfriend. After all the mention about sex with me am I mistaken to think she might invite me to one of these outings? Why always tell me about where she is going with her girlfriend but never invite me? Again, I am almost positive there are no other men involved. When I first met her girlfriend about a year ago, her girlfriend said that this girl I liked thought I was special. What has changed? Is she just shy?

How do I approach this situation. I consider myself a decent looking guy and would love to date her. Again, she will ignore me. I have to approach her.


She may find the act of flirting very uncomfortable and be acting out of shyness. A lo t of women find the art of dating very uncomfortable. When someone is shy or uncomfortable the will avoid direct eye contact. She may find you very interesting so she approaches a sexual type talk but is not confident enough to actually ask you out or show the initiative. Many women are conditioned to date when and how the guy directs them to. It is very common to want to approach a man sexually or romantically but not bring herself to do so. If she is shy then this adds to her inability to approach you directly. If she is bringing up sexual subjects and being friendly I would avoid the other behaviors and just ask her out within a conversation so that you know once and for all. If she wants to date you she will respond. Then you won't get this inconsistent behavior. You can lose by pursuing her and you wont' gain anything by overthinking. Ask her for a lunch date and you get your answer.

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

A few other questions if you don't mind. Why does she keep bringing up doing things with her girlfriend but never ask me along? She has said before she feels comfortable with me so why not ask me along? I've met her girlfriend. This is the one that said I was special. It's almost as if she's teasing me. Why do this? I am baffled. Also, during our conversations alot of times she will look me directly in my eyes especially when discussing sex. I feel as though her eyes are piercing me. They look very intimating and sexual (I'm not joking. Almost mesmerizing). I am almost spell bound by her stare. Never felt this way before.


I had asked her last week to go out. She said she had family plans she couldn't cancel. I said to her nicely I wouldn't ask her again if she didn't want to go out. I never pester girls. She gave a huge smile tossed her head to the side and said that wasn't it. It was one of those girlish grins I remember from high school.


Again, do you believe this to be shyness? She used to come up to me all the time before the misunderstanding. Now she will leave the club without saying anything to me. I have to approach her.I guess the ultimate question is does she like me and is shyness holding her back? I just can't tell.


If there is one sure fire way to tell what she is thinking how can I get it out of her?


Thank you.

When someone is shy they often drop hints but can't bring themselves to ask someone directly to spend time together She fits the scenario of someone who is shy and almost uncomfortable. It is okay to find a physical attribute appealing. As far as asking her out she didn't say no. That is a good sign. Instead she had an obligation. Her response to you says ask me again. With that comment I believe she is shy. Body language says everything. Flirting says even more. The only way to know what she is thinking is to ask. Find a quiet spot for just the two of you and tell her you like her and if she feels the same. Then this is known and you can come from an open place

Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Thank you. Excellent advice. Can I ask one more thing? If someone is shy and uncomfortable how can they discuss sex so openly? I am shy at times myself and the last thing, even being a guy, would to say some of the things she said to me. Also, the picture she showed me of the much younger guy, was that done just to arouse me? There was no reason for her to mention that guy to me let alone show me a picture of him. To me he was very young and unattracive (not that I rank guys) She could have pulled that picture out of the pile. I didn't need to see it. Did she intentionally want me to see it?


Again, thank you. Your advice has been excellent.

Maybe she is forcing herself to talk openly in the hopes of gaining at date with you. I think the picture was her way of asking that you see her as a single person. Sort of look what I am doing. I think she did want you to see it and it served the purpose of allowing you to see she is out there and wants to have fun.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Really I do mean thank you very much. You gave great insight. Being a guy I think more methodically than emotionally.


So to some things up, you believe she avoids me because of shyness? It hurts when she leaves and doesn't even bother to acknowledge me. She will smile and talk with others but will almost run from me at times. Not exaggerating. I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. That is not my goal.


BTW, I ranked you excellent.

Best wishes. I think she is shy. Give her some time

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