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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1820
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Cheated on my ex.. she figured it out. She says she doesn

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Cheated on my ex.. she figured it out. She says she doesn t want to give it a second try and that she doesn t love me that way ..Should I believe her or just realize these are her current emotions on how she feels and they may eventually bounce back to wanting a relationship with me? She has given me many mixed signals such as saying she wants to meet up but then canceling.. When I ask if she ever thinks we can fix this or try again says I dont know..  Calls or texts telling me she isn t feeling well etc

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
When someone cheats there are many emotions the person goes through. They have many questions to what happened. The question of if they are good enough, why would he cheat if he loves me? The emotions you go through are sadness, anger, hurt. It also blocks your true feeling fir the person do to the intense hurt. Cheating is like a whole relationship crumbling in one day. The person you were with thought you both were happy, things were going well then see finds out you cheated. What you have to do now is explain why you cheated and then you both need to start over to build trust again. You know you know made a mistake and will never do it again but she doesn't. She needs to know that you will never do it again and the only way is yo show her because right now the trust she had is gone. Now you both need to rebuild and overcome this issue. She wants to meet you but know that if she does she will want you back and she wants to work out her feelings first. Keep trying to set up a date. I want you to talk about when you first get together to remind her of her feelings, even setting up the same date you had the very first time. This will trigger why she loves you and why you both were together. She needs to heal but you also need to help her through the healing if she has questions answer them honestly.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1820
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I have actually tried the meeting in the same place as the first date.. Things went well or so I thought.. We talked about how we cared , kissed .. Basically a good meeting. Then 2 days later she claimed she was drunk and didnt remember anything..Since then we have had some contact.. Mostly very vague.. She did say she wants to be frinds and to just let things go naturally. doesn t want a relationship now nor with me.. But when I ask about trying to get b ack together she says no then Idont know.. I have tried sitting expressing how it all feels and that I am sorry and I won t ever make that mistake again... I know those are words at this point but how do I go about making those words actions she can see and believe. If she wont even follow thru on meeting me when she asks me to get together.. then she cancels.. She has on 2 occasions so far said Ill come over .. and then last minute said I m not coming.. At this moment we are suppose to do soemthing on Monday but I am pretty sure being its a holiday the place we are suppose to go is closed..

 

Do you have any suggestions from here?

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Her best friend has now got in touch with me.. telling me conflicting information.. One side he says she says she is done and can not trust me again or loves me like that .. On the other hand he says give her time... The last time she and I split he acted as an intermediary between her and I for about a month then we reconciled..this time though he is upset with me for my actions for cheating.. He feels like I did him wrong as well hurting her so much.. he has stated now several times he wont help this time I am on my own.. ..


 


So like I said on one side I get strange answers that are saying give up she is done... And the other give her time and just be consistant with my actions...


 


What is my next step in this please???

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I have asked those questions he has stated clearly I'm on my own frOm here. Said he went on a limb the first time ANC got his neck chopped so to speak. As well as saying give it time he also has stated she is done and you probably can't win her back. He is not willing to give me any insight to her. Really stressed and frustrated Only thing I know to do now is remove myself. You say not to entirely but what else can I do she clearly wants no communication with me. I even went as far as asking him to Please help me ond time. I promised it will be with no regret That he is truly the only person who can verbally and mentally get thru to her when she is like this.

So again I ask what should be my next step in this matter?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
How do I know that is really the right thing? he has said give it time give her space she has also said give it time give me space she is actively dating I know that and it hurts me deeply to think about that or know that. When she does respond to things she does say things like oh I was hanging with the bachelor party or I want to date here with this guy. Should I just not bother texting or calling for a a while and let her come to me or should I follow the advice you have given me and text just brief short text here and there this has got me extremely confused
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

But she clearly doesn t want to tallk to me.. And he has since also stopped talking to me.. So at this point what should I do?

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

did that too!!! she is being wholey unreceptive and her friend told me that she is just using me.. this is another friend whom i know who came to me with this tid bit .. I really love this woman and have a hard time believing she is being this manipulituve .but i really have no clue what to do now??? sent a letter sent flowers(numerous occasions) gave her a ring to promise a better me for our relationship for her for us... ok so please give me some hope..


 


What else is there i can do????


 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I had a quick question why does the friend feel like she is using you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Because her actions away from me. Out partying hangin on guys etc
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
So what are you saying?

I don't think she is acting out over something else I think it's just the cheating. She won't talk to me so I don't really know
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I'm not so sure about that.. for several reasons .. mostly because it may come across as stalking or she may try to make a grand statement like that... I don t want that..


 


When we do talk all she says is we been over this I can t trust you its easier to start fresh with someone new then try to trust you again.. I tell her that I don t want to that I think we have something special and I think she recognizes it too.. she just gets cold and clams up after we get to that point.. Says she is too busy to date or be serious with anyone but yet then says she wants to date others... She went as far to put her profile on a dating web site.. We actually met off the site.. So she decided to go back on and go about the same search she was on when she met me.. then she took the profile down after a few weeks and posting new pictures.. I know deep there is some sort of game being played .. I dont know if intentional or just because she doesn t know anybetter... We havent been in contact for a week. last time we were she called and asked me for a favor and needed to drop by and see me quickly.. thats when she told me she was at a bachorlette party and had to hurry back because they were hanging out with a bachalor party too. she said it on two occasions almost to like rub it in..


 


 


I am so confused by all this its killing me.. I truly love this woman but am I trying to be with someone who doesnt really want to be with me???


 


I really could use more guidence lol

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Well once again friend tels me I should clean house and move on...He says he talked to her and she said no therew is no chance not happening.. But then He tells me give it time work on you let her do her thing... She told me more then once that it is easier to move on with someone new then the dysfunction we had which was only the cheating from what I know .. But again I dont think I get 100% truth or the whole story...


 


So your opinion is giove her spavce and time??? You think space and time will bring this back to her ? I mean to me it feels like she doesn t want to face the emotions??

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
So I just sit and wait? Try to talk to her? She is supposedly dating someone in Miami and we live in Tampa area. How am I to deal with that?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Im pretty much 100% sure her best friend is the one who told me this. I haven't contacted her in over a week now. I'm pretty hurt from the circumstances and verbal confusion. I'm trying to heal me right now. But I still am deeply in love with this woman despite all this. So please tell me how to approach this situation
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Her friend says leave it alone. He says she is still venting and playing hard. He also said he believes he can get this back together but to just let her be. Do her thing and do mine. He is suggesting that if I appear to be moved on and having fun she will come back. I do love her so willingness to do the right thing here is crucial I would say. It has been more like 2 weeks no contact. He does tell me however. That she asks what our converstations are and tells him he better not start being buddies with me again.

How do I read or play all of this? I am beyond confused and sometimes feel as though it's such and uphill struggle is it worth it in the end? Our communication is extremely strained and she can at times be very selfish about understanding communication or being open too it. Our relationship didn't start out this way but clearly has evolved in such a manner.

Again any advice here is welcome please???!?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Have I not been accepting of your answers? I actually appreciate the answers and insite...


 


So you think at this point just stand back let her have what ever fun she wants and be here for her in the end??


 


Her friend today basically told me tha he thinks I should move on and not waste my time. that she isn t ready to settle down she want s to be selfish and do what she wants to do..

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok so new info.. She just arrived back form a trip up north.. Last time we split she went away and came back wanting to talk and fix things.. this time when she got back her first call was to her friend that I am also friends with.l. I guess first thing she wanted to know was what he and I talked about..


 


I know he told her.. not a big deal honestly its all the same stuff I would have already said... Now interestingly enough he told me he bitched her out .. Telling her that I am a good guy , we all make mistaskes, how she was a botch to me a lot and for no reason... Only thing she could really say to him was something about a bad habit that I have . that and How could he or why would he cheat on me if he says he loves me...


 


Now I accept your answer , trust me I do but I thought I was able to continue to ask questions if I was unsure of something...


 


So now at this point what would your advice be?


 


I am still not contacting her.. I don t think now is the right time.. Plus with her friend in the mix she has contact with me indirectly and knows that I am still here.. Is that the right approach at this point. I dont want to push her further away but at the same time I know I need to let her know where my heart and head still are..


 


Thank you for your patience with me It is greatly appreciated

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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