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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1828
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Cheated on my ex.. she figured it out. She says she doesn

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Cheated on my ex.. she figured it out. She says she doesn t want to give it a second try and that she doesn t love me that way ..Should I believe her or just realize these are her current emotions on how she feels and they may eventually bounce back to wanting a relationship with me? She has given me many mixed signals such as saying she wants to meet up but then canceling.. When I ask if she ever thinks we can fix this or try again says I dont know..  Calls or texts telling me she isn t feeling well etc

Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
When someone cheats there are many emotions the person goes through. They have many questions to what happened. The question of if they are good enough, why would he cheat if he loves me? The emotions you go through are sadness, anger, hurt. It also blocks your true feeling fir the person do to the intense hurt. Cheating is like a whole relationship crumbling in one day. The person you were with thought you both were happy, things were going well then see finds out you cheated. What you have to do now is explain why you cheated and then you both need to start over to build trust again. You know you know made a mistake and will never do it again but she doesn't. She needs to know that you will never do it again and the only way is yo show her because right now the trust she had is gone. Now you both need to rebuild and overcome this issue. She wants to meet you but know that if she does she will want you back and she wants to work out her feelings first. Keep trying to set up a date. I want you to talk about when you first get together to remind her of her feelings, even setting up the same date you had the very first time. This will trigger why she loves you and why you both were together. She needs to heal but you also need to help her through the healing if she has questions answer them honestly.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1828
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I have actually tried the meeting in the same place as the first date.. Things went well or so I thought.. We talked about how we cared , kissed .. Basically a good meeting. Then 2 days later she claimed she was drunk and didnt remember anything..Since then we have had some contact.. Mostly very vague.. She did say she wants to be frinds and to just let things go naturally. doesn t want a relationship now nor with me.. But when I ask about trying to get b ack together she says no then Idont know.. I have tried sitting expressing how it all feels and that I am sorry and I won t ever make that mistake again... I know those are words at this point but how do I go about making those words actions she can see and believe. If she wont even follow thru on meeting me when she asks me to get together.. then she cancels.. She has on 2 occasions so far said Ill come over .. and then last minute said I m not coming.. At this moment we are suppose to do soemthing on Monday but I am pretty sure being its a holiday the place we are suppose to go is closed..

 

Do you have any suggestions from here?

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
I feel she is trying to overcome what has happened and she is going to make choices on when she wants to see you because she is still dealing either hurt. There will be times where she can not see you because it hurts too much to see the relationship you once had change so fast. She looks at you and sees that she had a life with you and not utter has all changed. You need to let her come to terms of what happened. But you also have to be there to helper through it. You want to see her. But you ado need to show her you care in so many Watson. Testing her ire calling her and asking about her day or at night telling her good night. These things show you are there. Then she gets use to you being there all the time. This will establish the relationship again.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Her best friend has now got in touch with me.. telling me conflicting information.. One side he says she says she is done and can not trust me again or loves me like that .. On the other hand he says give her time... The last time she and I split he acted as an intermediary between her and I for about a month then we reconciled..this time though he is upset with me for my actions for cheating.. He feels like I did him wrong as well hurting her so much.. he has stated now several times he wont help this time I am on my own.. ..


 


So like I said on one side I get strange answers that are saying give up she is done... And the other give her time and just be consistant with my actions...


 


What is my next step in this please???

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
Her best friend said give her time. This is what she needs to heal but you can not disappear from her lucent. You have yo be there fir her working this out together. Since you are able to talk with her friend you can get information on him she really feels because she will talk wit her friend. I would come straight out and ask what your chances are on getting her back. Ado ask him you can win her over to forgive you.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I have asked those questions he has stated clearly I'm on my own frOm here. Said he went on a limb the first time ANC got his neck chopped so to speak. As well as saying give it time he also has stated she is done and you probably can't win her back. He is not willing to give me any insight to her. Really stressed and frustrated Only thing I know to do now is remove myself. You say not to entirely but what else can I do she clearly wants no communication with me. I even went as far as asking him to Please help me ond time. I promised it will be with no regret That he is truly the only person who can verbally and mentally get thru to her when she is like this.

So again I ask what should be my next step in this matter?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
He feels like he helped you get her back and you cheated, so now he has regrets about helping you get her back. He now sees her hurt and up.I am sure he is taking some of the blame.so you also have to prove to him that you would never hurt her again because you now truly know what it is like to like her for good. I do not believe you should remove yourself from the relationship.let me tell you why. If you walk away, your walking away. If you stay you are not giving up on her. You want her to know your feet are planted and you're not going anywhere. If you leave she will feel even more hurt because even though you cheated she is still dealing with a loss, a break up. If you are still in her life as months go by she will see you are serious about being with her and she will begin to forgive. Be her friend right now and you will see her begin to break down her protective walls to let you back into her life. Do not pressure her just live her. Texting her goodnight or asking how was her day are all little things that will get her attention. She will get use to you saying goodnight every night or asking how her day was. Its a start in winning her back. You have to prove you are going to be there.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
How do I know that is really the right thing? he has said give it time give her space she has also said give it time give me space she is actively dating I know that and it hurts me deeply to think about that or know that. When she does respond to things she does say things like oh I was hanging with the bachelor party or I want to date here with this guy. Should I just not bother texting or calling for a a while and let her come to me or should I follow the advice you have given me and text just brief short text here and there this has got me extremely confused
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
I know you are confused and it sounds like she is trying to make you jealous by saying certain things which shows me she cares and wants you to hurt like she has over you cheating. Right now she is trying to feel better and heal. You are also trying to heal from a break up, but you both need each other to move forward together. People make mistakes when it comes to relationship and people also forgive in relationships to have healthy, happy relationships. But people need to continue to communicate in order to solve the problems. If you do not talk then nothing gets solves and the problems never go away.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

But she clearly doesn t want to tallk to me.. And he has since also stopped talking to me.. So at this point what should I do?

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
She is no longer communicating with you and a good way to communicate with her is sending her a letter or an e-mail to tell her how you feel. Do not mention the cheating, just talk about how you feel about her. That things will change and you will never hurt her again for the rest of your life. There has to be something that will get her to open up too you and forgive you. You need to explain how you feel. Your only communication is online too her or a real letter, so that she can read it and know how you you feel.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

did that too!!! she is being wholey unreceptive and her friend told me that she is just using me.. this is another friend whom i know who came to me with this tid bit .. I really love this woman and have a hard time believing she is being this manipulituve .but i really have no clue what to do now??? sent a letter sent flowers(numerous occasions) gave her a ring to promise a better me for our relationship for her for us... ok so please give me some hope..


 


What else is there i can do????


 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
I had a quick question why does the friend feel like she is using you.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Because her actions away from me. Out partying hangin on guys etc
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
It sounds like she is going through something. Is there anything going on in her life that is what you need to find our. Some times people act out when they are hurt and upset over something. There could be something in her life that has been bickering her but she just doesn't want to take about utter. If it is about the cheating then she is acting out in a way where she is just living life and she is never going to get hurt again by anyone so she is just hanging out and it sounds like not truly being herself.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
So what are you saying?

I don't think she is acting out over something else I think it's just the cheating. She won't talk to me so I don't really know
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
She will not talk too you and you feel she is lashing out over the cheating. She has been hurt so she is just going to go out and live life because she has been hurt. You need to show her that this will never happen again. You could go to the place where she hangs out to try to talk with her. If you know what place she goes you could see if she is willing to talk with you.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I'm not so sure about that.. for several reasons .. mostly because it may come across as stalking or she may try to make a grand statement like that... I don t want that..


 


When we do talk all she says is we been over this I can t trust you its easier to start fresh with someone new then try to trust you again.. I tell her that I don t want to that I think we have something special and I think she recognizes it too.. she just gets cold and clams up after we get to that point.. Says she is too busy to date or be serious with anyone but yet then says she wants to date others... She went as far to put her profile on a dating web site.. We actually met off the site.. So she decided to go back on and go about the same search she was on when she met me.. then she took the profile down after a few weeks and posting new pictures.. I know deep there is some sort of game being played .. I dont know if intentional or just because she doesn t know anybetter... We havent been in contact for a week. last time we were she called and asked me for a favor and needed to drop by and see me quickly.. thats when she told me she was at a bachorlette party and had to hurry back because they were hanging out with a bachalor party too. she said it on two occasions almost to like rub it in..


 


 


I am so confused by all this its killing me.. I truly love this woman but am I trying to be with someone who doesnt really want to be with me???


 


I really could use more guidence lol

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
You mentioned she called you for a favor. Then when you dude see her she wanted to make you jealous. She wanted you to feel tgevoerson sane hurt and sadness she has felt. I am sure you know she cares about you but you hurt her. She talks about trust and saying she can nite trust you but why would she start over with someone new that she doesn't love? Why not give you a chance? I think she needs time to heal. Right new she is trying to show you she wants to move on but on the inside. She wants to be with you. But she is having trouble forgiving and she also doesn't want to try again to get hurt in the end so she thinks she should move on.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Well once again friend tels me I should clean house and move on...He says he talked to her and she said no therew is no chance not happening.. But then He tells me give it time work on you let her do her thing... She told me more then once that it is easier to move on with someone new then the dysfunction we had which was only the cheating from what I know .. But again I dont think I get 100% truth or the whole story...


 


So your opinion is giove her spavce and time??? You think space and time will bring this back to her ? I mean to me it feels like she doesn t want to face the emotions??

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
SHe is blocking her emotions, she is not dealing with her emotions because she is so hurt that she is just avoiding how she really feels. If she dealt with how she felt then she could move forward, but holding them emotions in, is not good. until she decided to open up and talk with you about it. She will contunie to not solve the problem. If she was able to ask ythis probou questions about why. She could solve this problem so you both could move forward. She does need time to heal.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
So I just sit and wait? Try to talk to her? She is supposedly dating someone in Miami and we live in Tampa area. How am I to deal with that?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
You think she might be dating someone, but you are not 100 percent sure, so I do not want you to worry about that. You should not be thinking of someone else that she may be with. I do want you to wait a week before you contact her.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Im pretty much 100% sure her best friend is the one who told me this. I haven't contacted her in over a week now. I'm pretty hurt from the circumstances and verbal confusion. I'm trying to heal me right now. But I still am deeply in love with this woman despite all this. So please tell me how to approach this situation
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
Only she knows how she truly feels she could tell her friend the opposite or the friend could only be hearing what they want to hear. If she says she can't believe what you did I will never take him back, that is just here venting to her friend. It doesn't mean she wouldn't take you back. So when she talks with her friend she is talking about of her being hurt, so her friend is hearing the worst. It's been a week and that is hard for you to have no contact and to solve this problem. But a week is long enough not to contact her so know I would send a text just simple asking how she is doing? Like something like just checking in to see hoe you are doing. let her know you are still there.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Her friend says leave it alone. He says she is still venting and playing hard. He also said he believes he can get this back together but to just let her be. Do her thing and do mine. He is suggesting that if I appear to be moved on and having fun she will come back. I do love her so willingness to do the right thing here is crucial I would say. It has been more like 2 weeks no contact. He does tell me however. That she asks what our converstations are and tells him he better not start being buddies with me again.

How do I read or play all of this? I am beyond confused and sometimes feel as though it's such and uphill struggle is it worth it in the end? Our communication is extremely strained and she can at times be very selfish about understanding communication or being open too it. Our relationship didn't start out this way but clearly has evolved in such a manner.

Again any advice here is welcome please???!?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
I feel like her friend might see her changing in a way that might be in your favor. She probably is talking about you and the friend see their might be a possibility that you might have a chance to win her back. The friend thinks if you pretend to move on that she will most likely be bothered by this and want you back. This shows me that she does not want anyone else to have you and would be worried and concerned if you move on. So this shows she still cares about you. Now what you want to do is begin to move forward and see what happens with you and her. keep in contact with her friend to see if she is willing to give things a chance. This person seems like they know her very well. i know this takes time, but once she clears her head she will start realize her feelings for you again. Please accept my answer.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Have I not been accepting of your answers? I actually appreciate the answers and insite...


 


So you think at this point just stand back let her have what ever fun she wants and be here for her in the end??


 


Her friend today basically told me tha he thinks I should move on and not waste my time. that she isn t ready to settle down she want s to be selfish and do what she wants to do..

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
I think she just needs that space to sort things out. She seems like you cheating on her has really bothered her to the point where she is acting out trying to prove she is alright and having fun. But deep down she is just masking her hurt. She doesn't want people to really know him she feels. She is upset and in her own way trying to heal. She wants people to see that you cheating didn't effect her,. But deep down utter is the cause of her behavior. Her friend basically said she was being selfish in doing what she wants. I don't feel it is selfish. I feel that she is hurt and decided to do what she wanted to do because she was let down when she fully put her trust in someone, so she is hiding her so that you do not see how really upset she is about you and her breaking up. I had ask you to please hit the accept button to accept my answer.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Ok so new info.. She just arrived back form a trip up north.. Last time we split she went away and came back wanting to talk and fix things.. this time when she got back her first call was to her friend that I am also friends with.l. I guess first thing she wanted to know was what he and I talked about..


 


I know he told her.. not a big deal honestly its all the same stuff I would have already said... Now interestingly enough he told me he bitched her out .. Telling her that I am a good guy , we all make mistaskes, how she was a botch to me a lot and for no reason... Only thing she could really say to him was something about a bad habit that I have . that and How could he or why would he cheat on me if he says he loves me...


 


Now I accept your answer , trust me I do but I thought I was able to continue to ask questions if I was unsure of something...


 


So now at this point what would your advice be?


 


I am still not contacting her.. I don t think now is the right time.. Plus with her friend in the mix she has contact with me indirectly and knows that I am still here.. Is that the right approach at this point. I dont want to push her further away but at the same time I know I need to let her know where my heart and head still are..


 


Thank you for your patience with me It is greatly appreciated

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
She still cares if she is asking what you and her friend talked about. Her friend now sounds like they are on your side knowing you are a nice guy. But see that question she has that she does not understand is how could you cheat on her if you love her? She has unanswered questions that if she just asked you why. She would be able to heal and move forward to a possible relationship with you. I still feel she needs more time but keep talking with her friend. The friend is not in the middle, they are making their own decisions on what they feel she should do. It is good to keep in contact with this friend.
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