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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1838
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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i finished with a guy i cared about very much 6 months ago.

Customer Question

i finished with a guy i cared about very much 6 months ago. due to my complaint about his separating his work/life and mine, he suggested a three months separation or continue to see each other. i did not like the ultimatum, so i ended. he looked upset and did not really want to end from his body language.

he has not called me during the six months.

10 days ago, we were made to meet up through a mutual friend. he seemed happy to see me, whereas i was angry with my friend that she put me in such situation. he told me the reason that he had not contacted me was that i told him not to. i told the guy about my disappointments in our relationship and thought that it would end then. he took my criticism and asked if we could go out still, twice. i did not say 'yes' or ' no', but from my body language, he thought it was a 'no'. he seemed pretty upset again. when we parted, we could not say ' good-bye' to each other.

a few days later, i decided to listen to my friend's advice by sending a text to him agreeing meeting up sometimes. i have not got any reply as of now.

i regret my not accepting his suggestions at that time. and i am confused about it all. i do not know why he asked me out at the unexpected encounter, i do not know why he then did not replied to my text. most of people suggest that he does not really care about me, apart from one psychologist and my own mother.

i am so confused and angry with myself for letting go the chance of seeing him again. i think my pride and high standards of my perceiving true emotions or values have made me do things that i regret later on. i easily finish with any man on little things or disappointment.

i am so confused as what to do next to solve the problems that i had myself created. i need advice with credit reasons for my next move to get back with him. but i do not chase after men and i normally conceal my true feelings more towards the guy i care about more. strange mentality i know. i am devastated and i need clear guidance from a non judgemental experienced third party in relationship to show me why i should do what is been suggested.

i thank you so much to listen to my problems. please advise.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
When he asked about going out you did not answer. When someone does not answer the person assumes no because if the person still was interested they would have jumped at the chance. He just assumed you were done with him and nothing has changed you still don't want to be with him. You need to show him you do want to be with him. That you do care about him. You sent a text with no response. This time send one that is very clear that you are interested. Tell him that seeing him again brought back so many emotions. Explain why you didn't answer yes or no when he asked you out. I feel you both should start again and make the changes that ended things. You need to both talk about what you both can change to make it work this time. The first stop is to set up a date to talk to see where things can go. If he will not answer you maybe your friend could help again.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

deardebra,


 


thanks for your reply. my text to him was very casual suggesting that he and i should catch up with each other, as to have a casual chat.


 


even so, if he cared much for me, he would have jumped to replying to the text, wouldn't he?


 


in fact, i wrote a letter before the text , but was persuaded by my friend to send the text instead. in the letter, i explain why i could not answer to his request at the time, and i also explained the reasons why i hoped to be friends instead. i felt that he was very cautious about me during the time while we were going out. he segregated his work from me and was unhappy if i asked him personal questions. he never asked about me. due to the problems as described, i did not know and still do not know how to be boyfriend/girlfriend due to what i perceived.


 


Q1) i am wondering whether it is good to write about the problems and explain because of them, he and i should be just friends now.


 


Q2) is it true that if a guy truly loves a woman would jump to the opportunity provided in order to see that woman? if so, his not replying is a manifestation that he does not really like me that much, isn't it?


 


Q3) after 6 months of separation, if a guy still ask the girl out, would that mean anything?


 


Q4) some experts suggest that i should only write about the good things but not the bad, if i want to get him to accept me. some suggest to be honest without using the tactics of avoidance. what are your views?


 


as i get different views on all the confusing queries, i asked you to give your opinion so that i could have perhaps a better judgement about it all. and i thank you for this.


 


 


 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
He would not jump at the chance to answer the text because you did not answer him about going out, so he figures there is no chance for him for you and him to be together. You also have made it clear you both want to be friends and he is not looking for that he wants more.
You do not want to write about the problems because if you were to start over in a relationship those problems most likely will not be the same. You asked if a guy would jump at the chance if he loved a woman, no he would not necessarily do that because he is protecting his heart from being broken. Some times people back away because they are afraid of loving someone because they never want to lose the person, so they back off in order to protect their feelings. He asked you out, you didn't answer, he lost hope in you and him having a second chance.
After six month he asked you out and that is because he thought maybe you both could reconcile and get back together to start again.
You want to be honest with him about how you feel but you do not want to talk about the bad or say you just want to be friends because you might want to get back together with him as you both rekindle your feelings. I feel this is someone that wanted a second chance to make things right to have a relationship that he was going to work at so it didn't end this time. Now you have decide whether you want to give it another try.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

i thank you for your reply and assessment. but i am very confused because in the text, i wrote: i have thought about your suggestions and have decided that it could be nice if we could catch up with each other. didn't the content mean' yes, we should meet up ?'


 


i am not a native english speaker and the guy in question is american. i do not know how the context of the text would be perceived as. please advise.


 


another question is that, as i am quite a difficult woman because my perceptions of genuine love, beauty or kindness, he might have a change of heart since i portrayed myself as being stubborn and demanding again.


bear in mind that he did take my criticism to begin with and still asked me out later on. yet, as i said, he might have a change of heart after our departure, and this is why he did not reply to my text. no?


 


all possible scenarios, but please tell me your view and why.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
I want you to be more direct and say why don't we meet up one time this week. It would be nice to go out together again. It has been so long and we surly have a lot to catch up on. It was so nice to see you again. Being direct leaves no room for question, you need to state exactly what you want. You want to set up a date where he knows you want to meet with him. Plus you never know if he even got the text some times people miss texts. I would text again.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

dear XXXXX,


 


you are very kind and brave, but i am not brave. i never asked men out in my life. i would come home and cry but open my mouth to ask, unless, unless i do not fancy the guy. the more i care about, the more difficult it is for me to say such thing.


 


and quite frankly, those men who like me do not really want me to initiate anything, they are used to my being in the passive position.


 


perhaps, he lost the interest because i changed my mind and sent the text to agree.


 


if i could ask men out, especially the one i care about, i would not have sought opinions on whether men would jump at the first chance to see the women they love, or asking why this guy did not reply to my text.


 


i guess, you can only see the overall picture of the account and give me the advice according to that. i do appreciate that. but i cannot ask unless i know that he does care for me, or if i do not care about him.


 


q) is it possible that men would retreat from contacting because their girlfriends told them not to when breaking up? most people think if a man loved a woman very much, he would contact the love one irrespective of what she said. correct?


 


i hope you could help me out by answering honestly, because i am like a stupid teenager when it comes to handling my love affairs. q) i cannot ask him out since he did not reply to my last text as well as for my pride. what should i do as the alternative? the letter?


 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
A man has different ways of thinking when it comes to relationships. Once they feel like someone is not interested in them they do not seem to peruse the person because the person has made it clear they were not interested. They don't want to be embarrassed by rejection. He has already been hurt because he was not able to baXXXXX XXXXXfe, work and have a relationship with you. He is going to be very cautious. Men just don't often chase women when the answer is clear they do not want to be with them. I want you to be someone tat takes a risk, try something new when it comes to a relationship. It is ok to ask a guy out, things are rapidly changing in the world where men seem to not see clearly that a woman is interested in them, so women have now took the initiative to ask them out and tell their feelings more. Men are also sharing their feelings more to let women know how they feel. I want you to open up and tell him how you feel, ask him out on a date. You really like him and you should really consider taking that risk when it comes to love. Could you please accept my answer.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1838
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

yes, i could understand your views about current phenomenon of men's attitude. i think perhaps that is what is all you think should be done. thank you.

 

 

 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
You could have someone set a date up for you. Why don't you go on like a double date so with of you feel less awkward. It would be with of you going out as friend just having a relaxed time together. If you know any places get goes frequently where you could bump into him to ask him if all is well. I know that you feel like if he was interested he would contact you.but I feel he is afraid to and fetal rejected. He might feel that you might change your mind if he puts himself out there again. The impression that was left on him easy you thinking about if you wanted to go out on a date. Now he feeling if she wanted to be with me she would have jumped at the chance. I see you gave me a ok rating. I am here to answer any if your questions and find the solution.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

thanks for the extra reply. in fact, both he and i were trying to keep things between us a secret. when he was chasing after me at the beginning, he did not mind at all if my community knew about it. but last time when he turned up for our mutual friend's invitation, he tried to keep things a secret.


 


it was only when our mutual friend was away, he started talking to me about us. then accepted my criticism then asked me out. i think our mutual friend has left england for good. so there is no one to help me now. remember that i told you that i was angry with my friend for putting me in such a situation having to face him. my friend was being kind, but i did not think she would actually invite the guy out, so i had a shock, which means, even with another mutual friend, i would not ask him or her to do such thing, as i did not ask the previous one to make the date.


 


this leaves to only one option and that is to write. another option is to wait until the next tw governmental function, because he is normally invited by the embassy. the latter is not what i favour because i feel that he feels that he has enough of me, therefore he did not reply to my text. unless he did not receive my text. q) you have said earlier on that texts can get lost. is it a true fact that happens to people?


 


now i am swing between writing or waiting until oct when there is the


function. but that won't guarantee he will attend this time.


 


i feel he is probably unhappy about my changed mind from not accepting his invite to accepting it. he probably did not like the fact that i changed my mind to accepting it. q) do you think this is possible judged from your experience and about my case specifically please?


 


i gave you a ok rate because you did not want to know the reasons that i asked around, it has a lot to do with my personality, otherwise i would have asked the guy out to talk six months ago. i need the reassurance from the experts to assess why he did not reply to my text, so i can adjust my writing. you were quite right about not writing the bad that happened in the past. i think more people think that that should not be done. you have been also quite helpful as i do ask all kinds of questions with all kinds of scenarios.


 


 


 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
texts really do some times do not go through, they can be delayed, people think they hit the send button and didn't. There are so many things that can happen with a text. This is why I wanted you to send something again just in case something happened. It does happen. It would be good if you could see him at a functions because you could just relax be yourself and rekindle things again. I feel when he sees you many emotions come up and he wants to be with you, but is afraid of rejection. But he needs to know you are interested in him and you are willing to give it another try. I feel he get discouraged and doesn't want to feel that hurt of you saying no, so he might not ask. This is why you have to ask him. Keep it simple. Maybe go out for a cup of coffee, something very simple so you both can talk. If there was anyway that you could be at a function with him that would be great because there would be no pressure. Please accept my answer.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1838
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

you are very kind to reply. thank you. i shall accept your answer and give a better rating. thank you very much.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
Thank you so much I am here if you have anymore questions.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

dear XXXXX,


 


in the previous passage somewhere, you mentioned about my suggestion of being friend with the guy, i do not know what you meant, cause i did not suggest such a thing. i sent him a text and said that it could be nice if we could catch up with each other. did you mean that that was the message giving the impression of being friends?

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
You had suggested too him asking me if you and him should just be friends.I do not think you with should be friend, I didn't want you giving him the impression that you wanted to be friends. You want him ti clearly know you care about him and need him in your life. You want to clearly state that you are her and you are not going anyway. He needs to be reassured that you with have a connection with each other.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

dear XXXXX,


 


I did not suggest to him that he and i should be just friends. i only sent a text saying we should catch up with each other. i was and am asking you if the text message implied a ' friendship' instead of 'getting back together'? or how would a man perceive the message when he received one like that?

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
You sent a text saying we should catch up. That is just two people going out to talk about each others lives that went their separate ways. This does not mean you want to get back together. That is like two friends going out that lost contact with each other and want to talk about everything and then again they usually go their separate ways again because so much has changed. You want to tell him. I want to work things out and see where this relationship is going. You need to directly tell him how you feel so he just doesn't think you are going out one night to catch up on your lives.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

thanks for your reply, it did clarify the meaning of catching up. are you an american? i have been told that americans do not ask about each others' past when two people are courting, as they would consider it being impolite, is that correct?

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
When it comes to relationships everyone is different. People might need to know about the past while others just don't want to hear about the past. In order to move forward in life, you can't live in the past. When two people begin to court they should have a fair chance and not have all the past relationships interfere with their emotions in starting a new relationship. Some times people son't even give a new relationship a chance because they were hurt in a previous relationship. Some people want to learn about people's past to get an idea what people are about and why they act a certain way. It is a good idea to understand someone's childhood because that influences who you are and how you react to things. When it comes to relationships you have to tell someone exactly how you feel so that the person is never confused about how you feel.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1838
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

i see. thank you very much for the reply. i asked the question because an american expert told me that americans consider asking about the past to be impolite. but it does not really matter now. you have been kind to help me with additional thoughts.


 


i think i've decided to write a letter instead. but i will only mail it after the 10 oct. i thank you once again and i think your profession is meaningful as most people may get confused in the middle of relationship. i shall rate you now.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am here to answer all questions you may have and I feel writing a letter is the best way to put your feelings on paper. It helps in really not only telling someone your feelings but also understanding your own. Some times when you write things out it makes you feel better because how you feel is expressed. I think once he reads the letter he will better understand how you really feel about him.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

you are so good at keeping up with your clients' needs. by writing and disclosing my feelings towards him as well as explaining why i behaved the way i did, i am reluctant about not mentioning his faults. i did tell him at the unexpected encounter, he did ask me out, but i am still not sure why he did what he did.


 


if what he did made me wonder about his sincerity, i need in the letter to address about it and let go at the same time, for in my thinking, it is to respect one's emotions instead of speculating his love for me from my part. although most of the experts said that the guy did care for me, i still cannot understand his not replying to my text. together with my dreams about that he did not like me at all, i am afraid that the dreams are the revelation of one's heart. my dreams are normally a revelation of one's desires, yet they are not always right.


 


this is why i have asked many experts' opinions. but i do not know whether they are more accurate than the dream itself.


 


i know i have just given you another task. you do not need to answer because i think this is out of everyone's ability to understand.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
Dreaming is the mind in an unconscious state. We often have thoughts about our wants and needs and when you do dream things are symbols and often help you in understanding what your dreams mean. Your dreams you can look at in a new way to help in discovering what you truly want. Everything from colors in a dream, to objects is defined in how you feel in a dream. I want you to tell him that you often think about him and what could have been. That there are times where you have dreamed about him and you feel that it is a sign. You want to explain that you both should start slow, go out one day or night to see where things canto with one another. It is important too me and you that we give this another try. I do not want you to back away from your emotions, you want to tell him exactly how you feel without holding back. I feel he asked you out in hope to get back together, but he was crushed when you didn't give a direct answer.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

i appreciate what you said about dreams in a general term. my dreams are not as you translated. my dreams disclose/ reveal one's desires and needs of the person that i dream about.


 


i wish to write about beings friends with him as well for i think the past has cast some doubt about his sincerity about me. i hope to rebuild trust by being friends first, then to see what that will lead us. i think trust between two people is important and that is one of the reasons why i could not say 'yes' to his suggestion of going out.


 


one cannot just want to impress another person by stating only good things because if they had been all that good then there would not have been ended with a breakup.


 


i still want to be me as an honest person true to my heart and my belief. i can try to let go of my high standards about all the things i believe in and from others, but i understand that i require myself to be a truthful person. so asking to be friends is a respectful way for him and myself. if he really cares about me, he will want to work at it.


 


i hope you will agree, won't' you?

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
When it comes to relationships you need to be honest and being honest means what ever your feeling at that moment needs to be spoken. It is like not thinking about what your going to say, but rather acting on how you feel. If you see him and he looks nice in the new shirt he just bought. You simple say, "You look good in that shirt." If you feel that it is important to be friends before you both jump back into a relationship then that is what you say. Everything need to be truthful and honest.
Trust is very important in a relationship, you want to fully trust the person you love and build a relationship by getting to know each other again. You both need to get to know each other again, time has passed and things have changed it is time for both of you to start again creating a stronger, better relationship.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

dear debra,


 


sorry for not rating. i got you message and will rate later on.


 


there were other relationship experts suggest that i should send the letter before the function which is held on 4 oct. my mother, however, believes that i should wait and try to see if he will be at the function and perhaps to see if we can talk.


 


there is no guarantee that he will be there and there is a possibility that he may not speak to me. and if that is the case, i cannot afterwards send the letter to speak of the truth.


 


am confused. and if you happen to know what to advise, it will be good. i know this is a very difficult situation and if you cannot help, not to worry.


 


 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 2 years ago.
I would send the letter before the function like a week before so that he can process the whole letter. You want to give him time to think things over. Some times it takes people time to understand how others feel. You want to be very positive in the letter and tell him you want a second chance. That you feel things will work out this time because you both had time to think about things. That you both know what it is like living with out each other. Tell him you no longer want to live without him, you want him in your life.

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