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Norman M.
Norman M., Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2538
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DHP, ECP, UKCP Registered, 10 years in relationship counselling, over 2,000 satisfied mental health customers.
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i am still confused with my relationship problems as to how

Customer Question

i am still confused with my relationship problems as to how best to solve the situation that i have created myself. i need to have an expert who would listen to all my concerns based on the accurate accounts that i would provide. i need a good listener who is not judgemental who can be objective in providing answers there with proper assessment . if any expert who can provide such service, please contact me.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.

NormanM :

Hello, I'm Norman. Are you ready to chat?

Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.
Would you be so kind as to post some details here so that I can help?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

dear norman,


 


sorry that i was not aware of your availability to chat. i have sent you a question asking whether we can chat now and how to operate chatting system. if possible, please let me know when we can chat.

Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.
I'll look into it, then get back to you. Might take a while though!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

thanks.

Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.
Still waiting for moderator to sort this. We'll be in touch asap.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

ok. hope to speak to you soon,

Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.
Hope so - but sometimes, it takes a while to get things sorted. Don't hang around though, you'll be contacted when we have a fix. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

ok. thanks

Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.
I'm going to chase this up again.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

should i instead write to you and ask questions then you can reply by the same way?

Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.
We can to that right here if you like
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

thanks. i must say first that i have sought for answers by asking various experts to convoluted questions due to my current regret and confusion. please bear with me if i repeat my concerns later on.


 


i am a person who can not handle my own love affairs properly, such is what i have discovered recently. i think my pride and the ideas of real values in love, kindness, emotions etc have hampered me from being more resilient to others' behaviour. lets put this aside, though the personality can explain what i did and how i made the decision.


 


the factors of the failed relationship are as these: i finished with a guy that i truly care about 6 months ago. i ended at his requests of a three month trail separation. he made such request because of my complaints about his segregating his life from mine. i did teased him the night before. he was upset when i said not to see each other again.


 


he did not call in those 6 months.


 


10 days ago, through our mutual friend we saw each other again. he seemed happy to see me, i was angry with my friend for putting me in such situation. i did criticise about his being cautious with me while we were together and that he did not understand me with his heart. he took the criticism and asked me if we could see each other still. i did not say 'yes' or 'no', but i guess my body language indicated 'no'. he seemed upset and we parted without being able to say ' good -bye' to each other.


 


a few days later, under my friend's persuasion, i sent the guy a text


agreeing to catch up with each other. he did not reply.


 


i do not know what to do now, and i am so upset for i regret not taking up the chance to accept his suggestion. please give valid reason to support your thoughts, hence answers.


 


q1) i am also confused because many friends and relatives and some experts think that if a man really cared about a woman, he would jump at the opportunity to see the woman. with the absence of response, he could not have liked me much. true?


 


q2) i do not know what to do to turn around the situation as my stupidity or pride, whatever one calls it that has made me so unhappy now. what would be your advice based on the account i have given and why?


 


thanks. look forward to hearing from you soon.


 


 

Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.

Q. 1.
I am not going to speak in generalities, but quite specifically about your situation. You were the one who terminated the relationship initially, and you did not try to contact him, or he you in six months. That suggests that he felt quite rejected and unwanted, hurt and confused, and had decided he had best simply leave things alone. He may well have liked you, but you rejected him. He probably did not wish to risk further rejection.

Q 2.
When you saw him again you started to criticise him. He took it, and even asked if you could see each other again. You did not give him a clear answer, from which, I suggest, he felt rejected again, and since then has not contacted you again, think probably that it was not worth the efffort.

I suggest that you write to him, old fashioned snail mail, and explain your feelings, apologizing for your seeming indifference, and ask him to get in touch. Don't mail the letter right away, keep it in a drawer and re read it after a week. If your sentiments are still the same, mail it.

If he contacts you after that, great. If not, it's time to move on, I'm afraid.

Keeping contact open and honest is your only chance of success here.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

thank you for your reply. writing to him was what i initially wanted. but the contents were somehow disputed by many.

 

q1) some suggest i should ask him out instead of a letter. their reason is that it is better to see each other face to face and see the reaction. but i do not ask men out because of my female pride, i would rather come home and cry but i could not open myself to asking a man especially the one that i really care about. i think the letter is better with my own reasons , you look like a real gentleman, what are your real reasons for a letter?

 

 

q2) most people suggested that i should not write anything bad happened in the past as an explanation of the reasons why he hurt me that left me to do what i did in both times. (i did, however criticised him with just part of the reasons at the unexpected encounter, he took it. ) they suggest instead, i should only write

good things and good feelings. what do you think?

 

q3) is it possible that two people can truly feel for each other even they

have seen each other only for a short while?

 

q3) in fact, i had written a letter before the text. in it, i explained the hurt i had due to his segregation of his work/life and mine. because of the precaution he had taken in the past that excluded me from sharing our lives, i perceived it as he did not want me to be part of his life. my fear of that and as i did not want to seem intruding, in the letter i asked to be friends instead. but some experts suggest that i should not suggest being friends, in case we will want to rekindle our relationship. what are you

views please?

 

please help me out because i am so confused, i need a real gentleman's wisdom.

 

thanks

Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.

Q 1.
My reasons for a letter are that as you write, you begin to clarify things in your mind, and your better able say what you really want to say in a considered manner, free from pressure.

Q 2.
I agree with what has been said - if you go on about 'bad' things in the past, you will just drive him away.

Q 3.
Yes!

Q 4.
I think that what you write should honestly reflect your true feelings. That is the essence of it. If you want to be friends, say so, if you want more, say so!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

dear norman,


 


thank you so much. your answers to the questions are so to the point, especially to question1. i often think writing is a old, traditional


honourable way and that it enables people to construct their thoughts.


 


please help me out with the following:


 


1) i cannot help but wonder that he probably saw me there at the unexpected encounter and felt at the time all the feelings were back, therefore he asked me out again. but later he changed his mind, he probably perceived me as being a difficult woman, not because he was feeing hurt by rejection, therefore he did not reply to my text. is it possible for a man to do so? if not, why? my case specifically.


 


2) when we finish the session, how can i find you as the site only allows the clients to talk to the experts at the random? i treasure your insights and i hope to be able to find you when i need it.


 


best regards

Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.
Q 1.
Definitely possible!

Q 2.
If you would like totalk to me in future, just preface your question with "For NormanM"
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

dear norman,


 


the answer to the question 1 breaks my heart, but i guess you are being honest. the answer is somehow different to the previous assessment. can you please be more specific about your answer.


 

Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.
Yes - the second time you met up, the first thing he got was criticism, then after asking you out, a very non-commital response. I do believe that that would make him feel rejected and that he had had enough. Sorry, but that's the way I see it.

You gave him no encouragement, so I expect he thought there was no point in pursuing things. Sad, but there you are.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

ok, fair enough and i think your assessment is consistent. i thank you so much. i suppose there is only one thing left to do and that is to write a letter to him and explain everything. correct?

Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.
I think that that is exactly the case.
Norman M., Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2538
Experience: ADHP(NC), DHP, ECP, UKCP Registered, 10 years in relationship counselling, over 2,000 satisfied mental health customers.
Norman M. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

thank you for your help. and I hope everything will turn out well according to your assessment and judgement. I hope my efforts and amendment will be fruitful.


 


i wish you a nice day, and may speak to you in the future. thanks.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

dear mr. norman,


 


i have been trying to find you with my additional concerns, but i think i had gone through the wrong channel. i hope this info/questions will reach you. please let me know if you have got this mail.


 


i hope you still remember my case. i liked your advice on writing the letter, which was written quite sometime ago but i have not sent it yet. my worries are:


 


i am still doubting the reasons the guy in question accepted my girlfriend's invitation so readily. he agreed to meet up with her at her first invite without knowing that i was going to be there. they talked to each other most of the night as i refused to speak much because i was having such shock for seeing him there.


 


though the guy did ask me out, as you knew, i did not say 'yes'. but he later wrote to my girlfriend, not me, about continuing their conversation in the future. a few days later, i sent him a text about ' catching up with each other', he did not reply, this you knew as well, but perhaps you did not know about his writing to my girlfriend on the night after we had met and separated.


 


i know all the concerns may sound tedious but i just could not understand and still cannot. i think and suspicious of that the guy might liked my girlfriend. the questions are: as from a man's point of view, how do you assess the situation regarding my suspicion?


 


for the suspicion mentioned in the above, i cannot make myself to post the letter. for if the guy did have some interest in my girlfriend, i could not send a letter of explaining my feelings to a guy who is not whole heartily with me. for me, love has to be pure.


 


please help me out here and i trust you will tell me what you really think.


p.s. one extra info is that my girlfriend is the mutual friend of the guy's and mine.

Expert:  Norman M. replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

dear norman,


 


by the way, my girlfriend is married and he knew of that as they knew each other first. well, not quite. she found him on the internet to be the speaker about finance. he came to the arranged meeting and met me. then the whole thing started.


 


at the unexpected dinner, he tried to explain the reason he attended her invite was that my girlfriend mentioned someone he knew was going to come and he said he thought of me. but the truth was that he accepted her invite before she said anything about mutual friend.


 


behind my back, he thanked my girlfriend for giving him the magic moment, i.e. he was grateful to her that he could see me again. to me, he explained that he did not think he would ever see me again and was also


grateful to my girlfriend.


 


my girlfriend later replied to his mail and mentioned in the mail that i might send him a text. i did after a few days, though the text was non-committal as you know already. according to my girlfriend, he did not reply to her mail after that.


 


i do not know what content i should incorporate in the letter. QA) as you said you believe he may have an interest in my girlfriend, how can i write to a person to express my feelings towards him while he might have an interest in other women?


 


should i just ask him out and request a meeting and find out from him? bear in mind, i do not ask men out, but i am burning inside because i really want to find out the truth. judging from what i have told you so far, what will be the best step to take to find out the truth about him. my concern about asking him out is that when he sees me, he can deny every hidden motives about other women because he is seeing me. seeing a person that one once fancied could


lead to a feeling that might not have been behold while being apart.


 


QB) if writing is the only option, due to your suspicion and mine, i want very much to write in the letter about that if he fancied my girlfriend then i would bid him good-bye and wish him well. what do you think about the idea?

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