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SLREED
SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 217
Experience:  MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
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I cant believe what I am doing! I am so upset and desperate

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I can't believe what I am doing! I am so upset and desperate for answers I have spent a lot of money I don't have on Psychics and I know better! I am in love with this man, he was interested in me at first and we were staring to grow a relationship but slowly , then all of a sudden he just wants to be friends. We have a lot in common, great communication, enjoy each others company, have sex, he kisses me and gives me big hugs before I leave, cooks for me every time I see him. He has never been the kind to e-mail or call. Even his own mother gets upset with him because he doesn't return her calls right away. I have met his parents and daughter twice now. Says I should go on dates but yet when I told him I cared for him more than friends and was hoping he would give me a chance because I'm not like those 3 other women he married. he has been single for 12 years now. He says he has a wall around him. He ask then why a date and did I feel this way about him before sex..I said yes. In the very beginning he said there was something different about me and has said I was the kind of girl he could take home to mom. Why the sudden change? i still see him once a week for music practice..he ask me to stay....in the beginning also he told me that other women who has spent the night he couldn't wait to get them out the door the next morning,,he doesn't want me to leave until he leaves for work and if I get up in the middle of the night and he wakes up to find me gone..he sort of goes into a panic. do you think you could help me shed some light on this..I am making myself sick over this..Thank-you so much..I'm sorry this is so long...he ask me how long has your husband been passed away..how long have we known each other now?...Theresa..I'm getting mixed messages at times.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  SLREED replied 2 years ago.
Okay, well this is a lot of information that you provided and I am going to try to take it one section at a time so that I address all of your concerns. What I think about the situation is this. It is going to be very hard to get a man like this to commit. The reason being is that he has been married 3 times, and I am sure that he has no interest in getting married a fourth time. Going through divorces are hard and they are emotionally taxing.

Even though it has been 12 years since he has been single, I think that this matters little when he has been married 3 times, he is more than likely is in no rush to get into a serious relationship. ( If he ever wants to get into a serious relationship). The reason why he more than likely won’t commit, is because he knows that if he commits then you would eventually want to move forward and get married. He already knows that this is not what he wants to do, not with anyone. So it may not be a personal reflection on you.

It could be that he cares about you, and he sees you more than sex. But the way that you guys are, is completely fine to him. He is getting all the girlfriend privileges without being fully committed. This way, is less drama. He knows that he can still do what he wants, see who he wants, and you really can’t have a problem with it, because you are not really his girlfriend. On the flip side, he longs for regular emotional attachment with a woman, instead of women that he can just have sex with and leave. And that is where you come in. He has more of an emotional attachment to you, and you are more like a girlfriend, but he is still free to do what he wants…. because he is not in a relationship with you.

In other words, he is having the best of both worlds. When he wants a girlfriend experience he has you to provide that for him. When he doesn’t he can grab someone else. And he does not have to answer to anyone. So where as you want a commitment, he doesn’t because to him, everything is perfect the way it is. With all that being said, you can determine if you want to continue on the path that you are on, knowing that it is this way. Or if you want to walk away.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I did express to him that I would never get married again, live with a man would be a possibility maybe. I really don't think he is seeing someone else. I did notice after meeting me, he took himself off the dating site he was on. Besides he works from sun up to sun down. he spends most of all his free time with his family. Do you think there would ever be the possibility in time it could develop into something more? At the very beginning he would say we need to take it slow. when he wanted more in the relationship, Should I give up all hope? When you say more of a emotional attachment to me, does that mean more than just on a friendship level? how can I not be his girlfriend but yet you said I was that I am more like a girlfriend to him? I'm confused. I really to appreciate your help. What are some signs that would show me that his feelings have become stronger for me and he may want to go a step further?..Again Thank-you

Expert:  SLREED replied 2 years ago.

There is always a possibility that he can develop into something more. But knowing his history with marriage and the fact that he has been single for 12 years, I just don’t think that he is in a rush to do that. You don’t have to give up all hope, but I want you to think about it from his perspective. At one point he loved three women enough to marry them, and for whatever reason it ended in divorce. With each divorce comes more fear or being in a committed relationship, fear of repeating past mistakes of giving his heart to someone and it not working out. Therefore, his heart may be guarded. It may take him awhile to trust someone that must to be totally committed to them in every way.

 

The emotional attachment could be more than a friendship level. He introduced you to his family, his child, you guys go out and do things. I think that he sees you more than a friend or sex for that matter. It’s just the matter of trusting another women with his heart. See whether he commits has nothing really to do with you. It has to do with whether he is ready to be on that level with someone again. For him, where you guys are at may be fine. This is because like I said before, its less stressful. You are like his girlfriend, but not really. Meaning all he has all pluses of a relationship, but none of the downs of the relationship. This may be why he wants to keep it like it is. Because it less stressful to him, and more safe. You are like a girlfriend, but he doesn’t have to answer to you if he doesn’t want to. He can do whatever he wants to (if that is what he chooses) without having to explain it to you. The only sure way that you will know that he is ready to commit to you, is that he will tell you himself. Otherwise there is nothing that you can do to force it. You can of course have a conversation with him, an honest non threatening one. You can say: “ You know I have really grown to like you, and I get the impression that you like me. I enjoy the time that we have together, and I was just wondering if you ever would like things to get more serious between us” Ask him his intentions so that he does not feel pressured by you. And if he says that he does not want a relationship, right now. Then you can ask him when does he think, this would happen. If he says I don’t know. All of those are signs that he does not want a relationship. If he did, he would say it. Listen to his answers when you’re having this conversation, because he is going to mean what he says. Treating you like his girlfriend, for men, does not equate that they want a girlfriend. They just want the “girlfriend experience.”

SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 217
Experience: MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
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