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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hey, I met this girl at a party couple of months ago. I got

Customer Question

Hey, I met this girl at a party couple of months ago. I got her number, and I started talkin to her through text messages, and then after two weeks she agreed to go on a date with me. I took her to a patio for dinner and drinks, we chatted a lot, and had so much fun so i invited her to my place after dinner and she happily accepted, and we did our first kiss when we were hanging at my place.

so then after that we went to couple of more dates, everything was great. but before one of the our dates she tells me that she wants to talk to me she comes over, and after some normal talk we had , I asked her what did she want to tell me, and then she tells me that we should stop seeing each other! and then with more questions, I found out that one of our common friends has talked so much bad stuff behind me that kinda scared her off from me. stuff like you know he is a player he will hurt you and stuff like that. but with some talkin I convinced her that I really like her and I really look for a relationship, and I even ask her to make sure that she likes me back, not just as a friend but as someone she sees future with,she tells me that she really likes me because I m so nice and sweet to her, but she was really hurt in his last relationship,, obviously the guy pushed her into a relationship by acting that he really wanted a relationship and then broke up with her after 8 months

so then after this everything goes fine again we go over various dates, and I also tried to back off a bit sometimes by not givin her msgs for long time or by not askin her out for some time and she would always chase me back. I took her out on her birthday to dinner, bought her flowers that she really loved, then after dinner we went to my condo and had sex there.

So everything was fine , so I feel like we r both growing strong feelings towards each other. she even once told me that she "kinda" missed me after not seeing me for straight two nights! so then next night I took her and a couple who have been my friends for long time to a comedy show last night. on our way to there we hold hands while walking have good conversation and a lot of fun at the comedy club. End of the night we went to my place again then the couple left after a while leaving just me and her.

so I start kissing her,she kisses back a little bit then she says she is so sleepy so she put her head on my shoulder saying its so nice having a nap like this for a few minutes on my shoulder, I smiled and then let her do that for few minutes, then I tell her lets go to my bed n sleep there, so we cuddle for a bit on my bed, then me as a guy start makin my move to have sex, but jus about time that I m making out with her, she suddenly says"I cant do this anymore!" then I am like what, and trying to find out whats wrong with her, then she basically says that she is not ready for a relationship yet, we start having this long talk that why she just found this out after two months going out with me. I ask her let me know if she doesn really like me, and that I have the courage to hear that but she keeps saying"I do like you" I just cant give you what you want now. and then after some talk she hugs me and she leaves me. So I am really stunned, I don know what have possibly gone wrong. any ideas?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

It seems that you have been doing everything right. You have been attentive, cautious of her reluctance and fears, and have been letting this relationship unfold at your own pace.

The fact that you merely tried to make love with her the other night when she just wanted to cuddle and fall asleep is shows that she still has deep-seated fears that you are a womanizer, as the gossips wrongly stated. She was obviously traumatized by being abandoned in the first relationship and is reacting against that.

I do not think that all is lost, and that you should continue to try to see her or at least keep in touch with her, giving her all of the assurance that she needs. She is very frightened of getting close to you because her fear of abandonment is so strong. This is an anxiety issue that you can help her overcome merely by being there for her and allowing her to set the pace.

With patience, and continued gentle reassurance you can continue this relationship and let it grow and unfold.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Yes I think she does have the fear of the abandonment. But what i dont understand is that we already had sex, so she should have been already comfortable with getting into that level of intimacy with me?


So are you saying that that fear of abandonment or fear of me being a womanizer kicked back in suddenly again in her mind?


I am not really a womanizer! aren't girls smart enough to realize if someone is not?!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

by the way I did ask her that if she still has trust issues, and she said no!!

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Dear Amin,

I know that you are not a womanizer, but to her, all men may be, especially since she was given that false "heads-up" by your mutual acquaintance. Her fears are deep seated in her unconscious mind and not up a the surface. They still inform her actions, nevertheless.

She can tell you all day that she does not have trust issues, but her actions speak louder. She is in denial, which means she really believes she does not have trust issues, but she actually does. The proof is that she has backed off from you the moment you tried to have sex with her when she wasn't in the mood. This triggered old fears.

All you can do is to stay in touch with her and be her unconditional friend for the present time. Either she will come out of this or one or both of you will move forward with you lives in new directions.

I wish you great success.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

ok, for the time being, after what happened last night; shouldn I give her some time and space by not txting her or calling her maybe for a day or two?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Dear Amin,

I think that you have a reasonable plan. You might sent her a nice note telling her how much you enjoy her company, or like her, or whatever you feel comfortable in revealing to her.

You can then add they you feel that she has backed off and needs a bit of space.

You can finally tell her that you are very hopeful that, if she feels she can continue her friendship with you, that she will be get in touch with her. Explain that this friendship means so much to you, and that you look forward to hearing from her when she feels she is able. For now, you just want to give her some breathing space.

You have not said that you won't call her in future, but at least she will know why you are not responding - because you are a considerate gentleman. You did not say that you won't call her again in future, but the hope is that she will contact you.

The ball is in her court, but you never said you are quitting the game.

If I have helped, I would be most grateful for positive feedback. Thank you so much.

I wish you great success in your endeavor, and if you need me, I am here for you.


Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Dear Amin,

Thank you so much. I wish you great success.


Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Elliot,


 


so yesterday she texted me that shee feels so bad and that she vener wanted to hurt me. and i told her that dont worry about me I am not hurt, and told her that do what you gotta do, and i ll be there for you if you need me as your friend.


 


she also replied to me again stating that she does like me but she cant give me what I want and that she does not wanna mess with me.


 


do you think thats just her nice way of breaking up with me for good?


 


should I tell her that I know what I want and that she should base her decision on what she really wants?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 2 years ago.
Dear Amin,

It sound quite clear that you two are broken up. She doesn't want to mess with you, and you probably are finished with her, at this point.

If it makes you have closure to tell her that you know what you want and that she should decide based on her real preferences, then by all means, let her know.

She may not know what she wants, but she has clearly stated that she is not interested in keeping the friendship going.

You already offered her your friendship and you owe her nothing else. You did the right thing and you are ready to walk away if that is what you want,

I think you have handled things well and have gone as far as need to go to have closure.

As soon as you end this chapter you will be ready to move onto the next one and see what destiny brings you. I am sure you will make the best of it.


Warm regards,

Elliott

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