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SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 220
Experience:  MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
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My grownup son and daughter have fought for the very first

Customer Question

My grownup son and daughter have fought for the very first time, son is 8 yrs older, first trip overseas together, first trip for her with brother, talked to both via phone,tears, hurts, embarressing for both, couldnt talk to one another, son went and hugged her hours later, they were due to come home the next day. We have not yet talked about their conflicts, we love them both dearly, I am afraid if we dont talk now things will never be resolved. Am I been to impatient?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  SLREED replied 3 years ago.
I think it depends on the type of fighting that you mean. If it was a verbal argument between siblings. Then this is something that is fairly normal, all siblings have an argument from time to time, and if this is there first one then I would say that there is nothing major to worry about. I think the fact that they are both remorseful, that says that they care for one another and that they were deeply upset about the situation. I also think that it is good that your son hugged her a few hours later. That showed her that he still cares for her and is not angry with her or blames her after their disagreement. The good thing about children that are 8, is that they never remain upset for a long period of time. They go to school and become mad at a friend and two days later they are friends again. I think it will be the same here.

If you do choose to talk about it, I would not harbor on the argument or what happened during the argument. I would focus on telling them about forgiveness and how family is important to one another. I would also remind them of their past bond and their loving relationship toward one another as a way to assist them in getting over their argument faster. Like I said, if it is a verbal argument I would not worry too much.

Now if it was a physical altercation. I would need to know a little bit more about the situations. Being that your son is an adult and your daughter is only 8. I would need to know the extent of the fight and what happened. If it was a physical altercation I do think that there are some basic things above that you can cover with them though to get them to forgive one another faster. That included the section on asking them to forgive one another reminding them about being family. However, if the fight was physical it may take much longer to forgive, because your daughter is 8 and your son is an adult, so she may feel a form of distrust by him, in the fact that he actually hit her. I would have to know more about the situation if this was the case.
SLREED, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 220
Experience: MS Marriage/Family therapy. Four years as a counselor.
SLREED and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Hi I'm sorry my daughter is 19 yrs and my son is 27 it sounds physical, yes i to feel a form of distrust by her towards him, however i am still in the unknown as to what happened, i feel i am intruding if i ask, i know that it is a matter of importance for family relationship,especially for their future, she lives 100s of miles away from us and i do intend on bringing her home i dont want to leave this to long.

Thank you

Expert:  SLREED replied 3 years ago.
Okay well with that being said, sometime siblings to have physical fights. Does it make it right…of course not. But it does not make it abnormal either. Since they are older, they do tend to hold grudges longer, and I think as their mother you can bring it up and talk to them about it. You can talk to her alone first, after all she is a female that got into fight with her male brother, and seems to be holding the grudge longer. Perhaps you should not just right out and asked, but just open up and say something like “you know I am here if you need to talk about what happened” and just leave it at that. If she wants to talk to you about it she will. But if she doesn’t then do not force it.

I do think that it is important for you to try to have a separate meeting with them while both of them are present. I would not bring up the fight so much, and reframe from taking sides. Rather tell them how you love them both and how it hurts you to see that they are not getting along, and how you would like it if they can go back to being loving brother and sister again.

If you choose to do this, do not let them bring up the details of the fight, because it will only stir up the anger that they were feeling. Instead, help them find a solution as to what they need to do to trust one another again. This may be simply asking each other them “What do you think your sister/brother can do, to make you feel better about what happened?”

Also like my answer above, remind them that they are brother and sister and that they are family. Remind them of how important they are to one another, and this situation is just one miner slip in their otherwise good relationship. If you can, end the note on each of them saying sorry and hugging one another.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Kia ora rawa atu. Thank you very much.

Expert:  SLREED replied 3 years ago.
you are welcome.

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