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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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The man Ive been with for 18mths found a message on my phone

Resolved Question:

The man I've been with for 18mths found a message on my phone to an ex of mine who cheated on me so I 'dumped' long before starting the 18mths relationship. I started the messsage to my ex with 'Hi handsome' which is the pet name I used to use for him. I did it without thinking as its just the way I always addressed him. I have stayed friends with handsome because even though he cheated, he's actually a nice person and recently picked me up when the 18mths relationship seemed to fall apart slightly. Nothing happened- he took me climbing twice- end of- no kisses only a friendly hug at the end of our meeting. Now the man of 18mths has called our relationship as he's upset about my 'hi handsome' start to the text and also thinks that I have little self respect if I can stil be friendly with a man who has done that. He then also came back at me with ' I obviously covet a man like my ex - who had more money and is more successful than he is'. This is not true, I love 18mths, not cheater. How can I make 18mths believe that its him I want, no one else, that nothing happened ( or would have). He will not talk to or engage in any way with me. We live 30 miles apart which doesn't help.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelming


situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is very sad to find yourself getting this over-reaction from 10months. Could you please tell me about the issues you had before in your relationship?


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You mentioned you contacted Hi Handsome when you were "falling apart" in your relationship with 18 months.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As sad and frustrating as it could feel, he is the only one with the power and responsibility to awake -as you said- to reality in this situation. it's obvious his own insecurities, fears and personal issues have been deeply triggered by this incident, where you have been loyal, respectful and honest. You know that, but his personal illusions do not allow him to see things the way they are. He feels betrayed, disrespected, abandoned, replaced and unloved,, but not because of your actions, but mainly because of their personal issues.

You have done everything reasonable to initiate necessary dialogue, but got hurtful reactions from him. Again, this is showing you how poorly mature he is and the limited coping skills he has around these matters. I do not see what else you could do about it but to patiently wait hoping he would calm down and see things more objectively. You know him from the time you have been dating, From there you know about his weaknesses and strengths. Use such knowledge now to better understands his deficiencies coping with this situation.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?


 

Customer:

hello


 


18mths separated from his partner 12yrs ago. She cheated with an older and more solvent man. She dragged him by making him part of it.


We've had a couple of times when we've split but its been unclear about if we have/ why its happened. usually a lack of talking or texting has made me feel we've split. He has also said he's coming over at the weekend then not, usually texting or on one occasion calling to tell me he not coming. Once he called 2 hrs after he should have arrived, to tell me he 2 tired and would come over next day, another time its been because his daughter wanted him to meet her boyfrined. The time that i did ask for a weekend with my girlfriends he ' wished me good luck with my new friend'- I thought he meant a new man, but he explained that he hadn't.


 


I saw handsome in the supermarket, told him of situation with 18mths, he told me he was going climbing, did I want to come. Said yes as it would cheer me up


was nothing more to it. Went again the next week but only hugged him at end of each time. handsome then texted me later to but very general. I just didn't think about the way i was addressing him back


also 18mths went into my phone to find this message when i left my phone at home by accident. We have same phones- said he thought it was his even though wallpaper very different - he knew mine


 


Should I leave it or try to contact him in a couple of weeks telling him I miss him? He is back on the dating site we met on. I thought he would so made up a profile and sure enough there he was. i have closed the profile I made as I have not wsh to use it


 


Could I get handsome to tell him there is nothing in it with us or would that make the sitauation worse


 


He also wanted to know why i did not tell hm what id done. I didn't because I had no intentions of meeting handsome again when we were together and we weren't going out when I went out climbing with handsome. There was nothing to tell


 


An answer to the last part(s) is required please.


 


Sorry. You went off line without answering my last query. Have been waiting since 3.31 Its now 3.45pm ( 1/9/12)


 


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for replying


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I left for a few minutes since was waiting for your reply for a good period of time. I am glad you were able to reply.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

From what you report, previous "unclear" possible breakups happened because of lack of open communication and mutual understanding between you. It seems his lack of consistency with what you agreed was another core issue too. Both use to easily undermine relationships not allowing their development. No surprise why he is now taking this no-contact approach.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not recommend to get the other person to contact him to clarify what happened, most times it is not healthy, and considering the poor coping and trust issues he has, it does not seem to be a good idea at all.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now, his decision to start dating again and using the online profile shows -confirms how impulsiveness and how easily he could get fooled by his own fears and traumas from previous relationship-s. It is very painful and frustrating for you to see how he chooses to deal with it, in fact not coping at all for reacting sabotaging himself and the relationship.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I totally support your decision to keep consistency with your feelings and what you have been offering to him, and I believe that is the best way you could continue to show him you are for real, respectful, loyal and


truly love and care about him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If after doing all of this he keeps rejecting you, refusing to dialogue and see reality, while engaging in dating other women,then you would know for sure his traumas and personal issues continue to undermine his integrity and ability to develop a healthy relationship. Then you would need to focus on taking care of yourself. Sadly his past real life nightmare has been recreated in his mind and projected on you and your ex-boyfriend triggered by the text incident.


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think giving him space and time is necessary, then contacting him in tow weeks should be fine for you to confirm what you feel and hope for around your relationship. Again, from his reaction you would know if he has worked at all on himself and his core issues, or continue to worsen such illusions creating new ones through new dating and avoidance. Is it clear?


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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