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Ask John-Michaels Your Own Question
John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 562
Experience:  25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
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I met my boyfriend in 2003 when my kids were about 4 and 6

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I met my boyfriend in 2003 when my kids were about 4 and 6 years old. at the time he was still married but legally separated. i didn't know that until she filed for divorce in 2005. well we are still together after the divorce. it has been eleven years. he referes to me as his acquaintance. he was previously married to his first wife and had 3 girls who are now all grown up with kids of their own, but the kicker is he owe almost $65k in back child support to first wife and has two kids by second wife and doesn't pay child support to 2nd wife because he is barely employed and now at age 56 is a diabetic. he is basically homeless and lives with me. i understand his situation and love him to death. i am divorced myself 18 years, disabled myself and have two kids of my own and receives my child support from my ex. i am established considering. should we get married or just continue to live together? he did pop the question.
Welcome to JustAnswer! I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. Please note, this is not therapy, but information. I do hope I can help you though.

It sounds as if you do care deeply for him. Can you tell me what hinders you from saying yes?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I scared that he will leave me and go back to the 2nd wife and i'm scared that if i die he will have all my belongings and give them to the 2nd wife. i've already made out my will to my children and told my family what i want but deep down i don't want that 2nd wife to get my belongings (home).

As I said, I understand you care deeply for this gentleman, so what i am going to say is likely going to be difficult. My thoughts are if you don't trust him as a husband, you likely should not trust him as a boyfriend. In reality, I am assuming you two are common law anyway, so I am wondering if your fears should be any different living with him. I would think if you have a will, your possessions should go where you wish anyway.

That said, there is still the trust issue. If you can't trust him, you probably shouldn't share you life with him. If you believe you can trust him, then marriage is the next natural step.

Does that make sense to you? I really do want to be a help. Let me know if you have further questions.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

To be honest, NO i don't trust him because his words doesn't match his actions. that's why i was kicking him out of my house ten times. the last time he was out he had wanted to try to be there for his son with the 2nd wife, but she gave him an automatum to get out by a certain time. he had no where to go but to me. i really love this man and took him back in. they were recently seen together at the store by my neighbors. she lives 5 min 4 sec away from me. he say he loves me but why is he with her? i'm really confused about that word "trust"

By trust, I am saying you need to be able to turn your back without him lying and sneaking around. You need to know he is not using you just To get your support and possessions. I wish I could be more optimistic for you, but I am afraid as things stand, marriage does not sound like a good idea. I cannot imagine marrying someone I cannot trust. That said, on that same basis I have serious doubts about a relationship altogether. That is your decision though. In answer to your question though, i would think long and hard before I married an individual I could not trust any more than you do him.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

I believe deeply you and i are on the same page. i love this man and am willing to wait on his decision to want me totally. isn't that good enough. the lord said forgive any many times as it takes. so, yes i may forgive but with one eye open. can you please understand where i'm coming from?

I like the thought forgive with one eye open. I know all about forgiveness, But true forgiveness requires repentance. Basically what I am saying is do what you must do but don't leave yourself open to abuse. It just looks to me to be a very lopsided arrangement. But Honestly though, if you don't mind taking the risk, I am all for marriage. I don't see the risks any greater there than in a common law arrangement
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Hi! I appreciate you allowing me to help you maybe arrive at a solution the other day. I hope I was helpful. Let me know if I can help you in any other way.

John Michaels, MS, LPC
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

no. my acquaintance's birthday is XXXXX and we are very much in love. he read our conversation and did not have a bad comment about it. he told me he loves me and will continue to be with me until the end.



thank you very much for your advice on this subject.

Your welcome!
Customer: replied 4 years ago.

sorry to have gotten back to you late, but thanks again.

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