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AskJason
AskJason, Relationship Answers
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 39
Experience:  B.A. Psychology
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Hello Jason, following on from our chat, I finding it very

Customer Question

Hello Jason, following on from our chat, I finding it very difficult with his lack of contact, how do i deal with this

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 1 year ago.
Hi, I am a Moderator for this topic. I sent your requested Professional a message to follow up with you here, when they are back online. If I can help further, please let me know. Thank you for your continued patience.
Expert:  AskJason replied 1 year ago.
(My answers are intended as information and opinion only. I am not a Dr. or a licensed psychologist and can not offer counseling or medical advice.)

Hi Jaycee,

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering and I hope we can find a way to help alleviate the sadness you are experiencing. If I understand correctly, you have not heard anything at all from him for the past four days. A day before that (which would be five days ago), you sent him a text that he replied to. I want to make sure I am clear on this and that you haven't received a single text from him in that past four full days. Is that correct?

When we last left off, you told me he had requested a week or two to "clear his head" or however he phrased it and then he said you guys would talk again. The plan was for you to give him that space he requested, and not contact him for a week. I'm thinking you weren't able to do this? Please don't misunderstand my question. I am not judging you or implying you have failed in any way. I know how hard it is to not make any contact with someone you love and are thinking of literally 24/7. I totally get it. I'm just asking the question to try to understand what his experience has been like this past week. There is a reason that is important.

It's important because if he doesn't have that space and time away from you like he requested, then he won't truly experience what it is like to not have you in his life. Every day you make contact, you provide him with a level of contact that allows him to feel as if you are still there and puts all the power in his lap since he now gets the choice of whether to reply or not. That whole process fills the void that would exist otherwise if you were making no contact at all. So ironically, by continuing to contact him to try to get him back, you are robbing yourself of the opportunity to let him realize that he misses you.

Your question asked above related to how to deal with the feelings you are having due to his lack of contact. I'm going to be very honest with you and not sugar coat things. These type situations are definitely stressful and you are undoubtedly going to be sad and anxious while it plays out. That is ok. It's normal. I think the key is to give yourself permission to be sad, or anxious, or angry or lonely, or whatever emotion arises. Don't be emotional about your emotions. In other words, don't get down on yourself because you are sad. Don't be angry at yourself for being lonely. Let yourself feel whatever it is you feel, and know that although it doesn't seem so right now, these feelings of sadness and anxiety will eventually pass.

Do your best to stay active, engage with friends and family, do things like go to the movies, exercise, write poetry, go shopping, read a good book, get your nails done, get a massage, take a hike in a pleasant outdoor area, etc. These are just examples and you can decide to do whatever it is you like doing. It may be some of these things, or none of these things. My point is to just keep engaged with life and don't let the sadness you will feel overwhelm you or cause you to just curl up on the sofa and be paralyzed. Like I said, in the end, however this works out, you are going to be OK. Believe that, and it will give you strength to endure what may be a difficult time should he decide he truly wants to end the relationship. I'm not saying I think he wants to end it, but I am saying it is of course a possibility. Only time is going to tell.

My advice would be to give him a solid week of absolutely no contact from you at all. To give yourself peace of mind and to make sure you feel that he knows what you are feeling, first send him a final text. Tell him that you miss him, you love him and you wish he was back in your life. Then say that you know he needs time to think, so you aren't going to reach out to him any longer so he can have the time and space he has requested. End it with saying you hope to hear from him soon and that you'll be waiting. Send that and then end all contact. Not a single text, no emails, no phone calls, no talking to anyone he knows to get a message to him. Remove yourself from his life for just one week. Let him really feel what life is like without you. If he truly loves you, he will miss you and he will eventually call you. He knows how you feel and your final text as referenced above leaves little doubt or room for interpretation.

If a week goes by and he has not made any contact, then you have a serious question to ask yourself. That is, "Do I really want to chase a man who doesn't want to be with me?" I know this is a very hard question to answer, since logic will tell you that you of course do not want to pursue him, and your heart will tell you to pick up the phone and call him no matter what. I can't make the choice for you, but I will say that as hard as it may be, no man (or woman) is worth chasing to the point that they are refusing all contact and you are out there daily trying to reach them. For me, it really boils down to that old and corny mantra that goes something like, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn't, then it never was." Like I said, it's kind of corny, but there is a definite message to be learned from it. You deserve to be in a relationship where you are pursued by your lover equally. You deserve a man who wants to fight to be with you, not one who wants to purposely avoid you. You deserve a man who will dialog with you and inform you honestly of why he feels the way he does, not a man that leaves you high and dry with little to no explanation. It's going to take courage and strength for you to resist desperately chasing him, but if a week goes by and you receive no contact, I would recommend trying to hold out for one more week. If he fails to contact you ever after two weeks, then my feeling is you have received all the answer you need. Yes, you will be sad during this process and you will be sad if the result is that he doesn't make contact. However, I feel that being sad for the short term while your heart heals is better than being in a relationship for the long term with someone who is simply not worthy of the time and love you are investing.

I really hope this helps and feel free to contact me again if you need to chat.


Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I tried very hard to not contact him but I made a mistake of speaking to a friend who said, I should check on him because he may be not coping well and asking himself the same question, so I text him to say, Not meaning to intrude, but how are you?


 


His Reply was Hey! all good I guess, How are you?? I replied and said I am ok thank you, XXXXX XXXXX things to sort out at work and that I have collecting his camping kit. (this was in my old house I am renting out, which I needed to remove stuff before the tenants moved in. I did not want to contact him so I brought his stuff 1hour and 30minutes away. this text was today. I made no contact for two days.


 


I will see your point. I will try and write the one final text probably on the weekend. But will try and resist it


 


 


 

Expert:  AskJason replied 1 year ago.
Ok sounds great. Best of luck to you, and please remember to rate my service so I can be compensated for my time. Thanks again!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.



Hello Jason, I did what you suggested and sent him a text, telling him it will be my last text and that I wish he is well, I also said I was looking forward to lunch and a walk by the river next as he suggested.I told him I respect his need for space and whatever he decides I hope to remember him in a good light. He replied and said
Sorry, I am not purposefully ignoring you.... I just dont know what to say to you. I am looking forward to lunch too. I feel I will be able to resist contact now.




Expert:  AskJason replied 1 year ago.
Hey that's great! Good for you. See what happens when you shift the control from him to you? In sales, they call it "the take away approach". Basically you tell a customer that your offer to sell him or her a product or service has expired. You thank them for their consideration and wish them well. All of a sudden the customer will go from ignoring your requests for contact to calling you, begging to have another opportunity at making the purchase. The same philosophy can apply to relationships. You made it clear you were "taking yourself away" from the relationship. This caused your boyfriend to lose the power he had over you via ignoring you, since you stated you would now be ignoring him. (Not that you really intended to ignore him, but I hope you see the general point I'm making.). The proof is that he replied to you right away and the bonus is that he confirmed intent to meet with you soon. My guess here is that he is really struggling over the race issue and predudice that his parents have presented. He's stuck in the middle of a tough situation. He needs time to think. The longer you can resist contacting him, the more time he will have to realize he misses you. If he never calls again, then my point remains that he is not worthy of your love in the first place. However, if he does see the light and realize he does miss you, your relationship will be all the stronger. Make sure that if he does call you and if you do meet up, that you discuss what is truly on his mind. Encourage him to share what he is struggling with. Once the real issue is identified, you guys can work at it together and hopefully overcome it. Good luck, and please remember to click on the positive feedback for me, ok?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hello Jason,

More advice please, spoke on the phone with my boyfriend
last night, he called because I gave in and text him asking him to call, I was upset about a serious incident at work and I KNEW he would give me the right advice, my text just said call me if you get a chance. anyway he called me and talked me through the work situation, he knew I would be in his home town today to clear the remaining furniture in my old house for tenants to move in tomorrow. One of the pieces of furniture was my bed, which we intended to move to his flat and make it our bed there. it's much bigger and better than his.

he asked me if we could meet up and if I could still get the removal people take my bed to his flat. He telephoned me this morning to find out what time I was arriving to day and to ask how I was.

I booked my self a hotel room as I was not expecting to spend the night with him. When we met he reached out to hug me, quite closely but no kissing, I was a bit distant too. he took me for lunch which he paid for, the a walk. I did not raise the issue of the break, he confirmed during lunch that he is coming up to my town this saturday.For lunch and a walk.

After the walk we went back to my hotel room, where we just cuddled, no kissing etc. He told me he had a game of tennis at 5pm. HE HELD ME TIGHT AND SAID YOU WILL BE ALRIGHT, I SAID TO HIM THAT SOUNDS FINAL, did it mean he had reached his conclusions,? He said he was still thinking, I asked him if he thought we should just give up? he said no lets stick to the plan, let me come to you on Saturday. I don't want to just hang around for him to delay my grief for another week.Do men really need this amount of thinking, surely he knows?"

He said it was really nice to see me today. He did not look himself, unshaven, he said he has not bothered shaving for a week. I thought met will jump at an opportunity to spend a night with a girl in a hotel room. But then my boyfriend has high moral standards,one of the reasons I love him. please advise
Expert:  AskJason replied 1 year ago.
Hi Jaycee,

Before we continue, would you please provide feedback on my previous answer so I know you are satisfied and so I may be compensated?

Thanks!
AskJason, Relationship Answers
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 39
Experience: B.A. Psychology
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I thought I did it twice, well rated it again
Expert:  AskJason replied 1 year ago.
You did provide feedback for your first question, but none came through for your second question which I had answered a few days ago. That feedback did just come through now, so thanks very much! Please give me a moment to read your third question and I'll get right back to you with an answer.
Expert:  AskJason replied 1 year ago.
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