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Kristin
Kristin, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience:  Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.
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Hi me and my partner have been together for nearly 5 years,

Resolved Question:

Hi me and my partner have been together for nearly 5 years, he has always been the kind of man that struggles to open up about his emotions in any way but we did connect when he has opened up to me in the past. Recently he has just left me, we have a mortgage and had built a life together... for the past few weeks he didnt seem to know what he wanted but we were still actively intimate and he kept coming back but yet now he has upped and left for what seems like for good as he says he would be better off on his own?! he seems to be running away from something as he doesnt want to acknowledge that we have a house and responsibilities jointly? everyone that knows us both can see what he is throwing away but he does not seem to want to see it himself... hes admitted that hes hurting too but he will not open up any further then that? what is the best solution here as i still deeply care for him and i dont know how we could have gone from been so close to this? please help x
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kristin replied 1 year ago.

Hi,

Thank you for your question. I can understand why you would be feeling very confused about this situation. Has he ever left before like this? Did anything happen recently that may have caused him to have doubts about your relationship? Also, when you say he has left, do you know where he has gone and what is his plan for moving forward?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Hi, no hes never left like this before i mean as every normal couple we have had our ups and downs but recently we went to my best friends wedding together in cyprus and it couldnt have been better! he seems to have become more distant then usual and his family have moved up to where we live which is the only big change i can think of but his family is like my family and the same for him with mine... he has moved into his mums house still in the same area and all i keep getting is that he wants to be on his own as he doesnt want anyone to worry about him and wants to fufill his dream of being a DJ (bearing in mind he is nearly 29 years old) and ive said that i wanted to also get out of our area for a while now and ive asked why its not possible for us to live our dreams together?! thank you

Expert:  Kristin replied 1 year ago.

Okay thanks for the additional information. So it doesn't sound like anything major has occurred to make him just pull back like this. You do need to realize that his pulling away from you, without any clear communication about what he is feeling or thinking is very immature on his part. So that is a red flag in that you do want a partner who won't just up and leave like this without atleast first telling you what is going on, etc. You have been with this man for five years. That is the least he could do out of respect for you.

You mentioned your best friend's wedding. Did you and your boyfriend ever discuss getting married or engaged? Also were there any disagreements between the two of you? Or arguing of any kind? Had he ever said to you that he was feeling like he needed space, etc? Or is this totally out of the blue?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


no nothing major has occured in this situation as i say he literally just said he needed space but then he came back and everything seemed ok up until last week, everyone has told me the same thing that i really need to look at it and think about if i really do want this but all i can think about at the moment is us being back together and happy again and im going through a mixture of emotion and he just gets angry if i get upset the only thing that seems to get through to him is when im calm about everything! yes we did discuss marriage and a family and i was told by friends he was even going to propose on the holiday to cyprus? there were disagreements when we decided to put the house up for sale because both of us wanted to go travelling when we got back from cyprus but it was him that then decided he wanted us both to stay here and settle down so as you can see im so confused and hurt at the moment i dont know what to think

Expert:  Kristin replied 1 year ago.

Yes I can completely see what you have no clue about what to think! He is one confused guy and is sending out totally opposite messages. So, basically it DOES sound like you two are at that point where you are going to move forward together in a more committed way (he was thinking of proposing) OR possibly go your separate ways. It really sounds like he is at that crossroads where he is trying to decide if he in fact does want to become more committed or if he wants to perhaps just break up. I only say this as he said he wants to only be responsible for himself, pursue his career goals and so on.

Men often have these kinds of thoughts come up when they are faced with the idea of marriage, etc. He is assessing where he is in his life as an individual, what he wants for himself, etc. This is what he is doing. Getting space from you so he can gain more clarity for himself. It is okay for him to do this of course, but the way he had gone about this is not okay at all!

And again is a red flag to you. I understand that you just want things to go back to how they were, when you were happy etc. And perhaps they will...only time will tell.

I don't think it sounds like he has completely decided, but that he needs time to figure out what he wants. When you get upset, this bothers him as he wants to have this time to think about himself without having to worry about how it will affect you. That is being selfish and yes immature, but at the same time it's the only way he probably feels that he can get the necessary space and distance he needs to get clear.

I would let him know that while you are not happy about the way he has gone about this, that you of course will give him this space so he can figure out what is going on with himself.

And I encourage you to also use this time, to figure out exactly what you want as well, either with him or independent of him. There is a chance he will not want to get back together and you need to be prepared for that possibility.

I know it's tough, but in the long run, you are going to want a man who fully chooses to be there with you. Not someone who is uncertain and runs away when he gets scared or unsure. Keep that in mind for yourself. It's also important to continue seeing your friends, exercising, etc. keep doing things to stay active, so you don't get too absorbed by what he is doing.

You can also suggest to him that the two of you see a couples counselor to determine what is going on and how to get through this uncertain time. The main thing is to give him this time and space to just be himself and come to his own conclusions. I would really try to not contact him and just use this time to focus on yourself. It will be okay however things turn out, as much as you may not believe that at this time. Please let me know if there is anything more I can do to help you. Please keep in touch and all the best to you. Also, please rate my service today as I want to be sure you are happy with my help. Thank you!

Kristin

Kristin, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience: Psychotherapist and Relationships Expert with 11+ years exp. Dating, Relationships, Marriage.
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