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AskJason
AskJason, Relationship Answers
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 39
Experience:  B.A. Psychology
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I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year,he is 37

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I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year,he is 37 and I am 36.he has never been married whilst I am divorced with two children.i recently moved about 1.30 away to open a new branch for my business and to near family.he said he did not want to move. We agreed I will move back after a few months.in the meantime we agreed he would come to me every Friday to sunday and I would stay with him one day a week.for 2 months we did this and things between us stayed perfect.although I would have proffered it if he moved with me.i run my own business and he is an accountant ,currently working on a tempory contract which ends next month.he has been meaning to find a permanent contract to start on his own but I think he will delay this decision.he is not close to his family but he was going to take to see them this weekend.on the morning to go and meet his parents he told me he wants to end our otherwise perfect relationship because he realised the night before he likes being a bachelor and having time to himself.all along he thought he would buy into a traditional way of life and marry me.i was so shocked and still I am two days letter.we talked about it and he has suggested we meet in two weeks whilst he thinks again.how could his feelings for me die in a few hours? He says he still has feelings for me.i am so hurt , please help
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  AskJason replied 2 years ago.

AskJason : (My answers are intended as information and opinion only. I am not a Dr. or a licensed psychologist and can not offer counseling or medical advice.). Please give me a moment to read your question and then we can chat.
Customer: Ok
AskJason : I'm very sorry to hear you have been faced with such a traumatic change in your relationship, especially while you are already dealing with a new environment for both work and play. Did you and your boyfriend have any type argument or disagreement which could help to explain his unexpected change of heart?
Customer: No we did not, the only thing I can think of was on Friday evening after squash we went out for a meal with a few people because one of the guys was leaving town to move back to his old town because he wife did not want to move. I also made a passing comment that he and I seem more committed to the motorway that to each other
Customer: He was just his usual loving self.he went to watch a sports match with the boys on Saturday whilst I stayed in a spa hotel. When I went to go and pick him up, he was sat in a park outside his house, told me from midnight after the cricket ,arch he had been walking around for four hours thinking seriously about moving in with me
Customer: We normally live together on the weekends for a year now
AskJason : Ok. Upon reading your comments again I suspect your boyfriend may just have "cold feet" as they say. The planned trip to have you go visit with his parents could have represented a concrete example of the reality that he is on the way toward marriage. This truly frightens many men, and they initially get "cold feet". Have you met his parents in the past and gone to their house, or would this have been the first time?
AskJason : May I ask, what did you mean by you are more committed to the "motorway"?
Customer: No this would have been the first time, he said he has only ever taken one girlfriend before, one from university. It took his 7 months to say he loved, so I believed the words,I thought because he took his time, he meant the words, I am she'll shocked. Not a single day has ever past without him contacting me morning and night.
Customer: It was supposed to be a joke expressing hoe tiring comutting to a different time can be and the time it takes, which could be avoided if we lived together
AskJason : The fact you had never met his parents and the fact that he did a 180 on you the morning you were due to meet them is a real clue here. I think he may have panicked. The day before he was seriously considering moving in with you and most likely thinking about asking you to marry him. When a man decides to move in with a woman he has been seeing for over a year, and when he decides to bring that woman home to meet his parents, it's only natural to assume he has plans for the long term. He may have intended to follow that path 100%, but when he actually woke up on the morning of the day he was due to take you to their house, I suspect he finally felt the reality of the situation and it may have simply spooked him. Based on what you have told me about his prior level of affection and how good your relationship has been, I have to think this is the core of the problem. It doesn't sound like he met someone else or is otherwise lying to you. It just sounds like he got scared about taking this next step. Perhaps when he brought that other woman from university to his parents house, something went wrong? Maybe he had concerns over that happening again? You'd have to ask him to know. However, I think the real issue is a fear of commitment. I think you should give him the time and space he asked you for and if he truly loves you, which it sounds like he does, then he will realize that his feat of commitment pales in comparison to the sadness he would feel without you in his life.
Customer: I don't know what happened when he took the other girl, but he did tell me earlier on that his parents a racist and I am a black he is white
Customer: He went to boarding school when he was only 6, he has only been to visit his parents once since we have been together he spent Christmas and any other holidays with me and my kids
AskJason : That is definitely significant information. Obviously if he fears his parents are racist then he would dread bringing you to their house and subjecting you to any behavior which you would find hurtful or even just uncomfortable. What his parents think really isn't important though as far as your relationship with your boyfriend goes. What I mean by that is if he truly loves you, and if he truly wants to be with you, then he won't let anything or anyone stand in the way of you two being together. I'm guessing he decided he just wasn't ready to deal with what will surely be a stressful event as far as bringing you to his racist parents' house. Instead of admitting to you that this was the issue (and maybe he hasn't even admitted it to himself yet) he decided to just push away from you so he wouldn't have to deal with this definite problem. It must be very hard for him to have to know his parents are racist and that they will likely not accept the fact that he is in love with a black woman. However, your live for each other, in the end, should rise above his parents' acceptance or denial of your relationship. If he is a man worthy of your love, he will do whatever he has to do in order to be with you. Does that make sense? I think you just need to give him a little time to process this and them talk to him about it. Ask him if he is dreading the introduction due to the race issue and ask him if he also has any fear of commitment? Opening up the dialogue will be an important step toward progressing back to the path you guys were on.
Customer: How long should I live it before contacting him again? Do I wait for the two weeks? Yes I agree with you about the parents, I am not bothered weather they accepts me or not. I just wanted our relationship, it has been really good until that day, could it be he just does not love me enough to comitt to me.I am cinfident he has not met anyone else
Customer: How do I cope with the deep sadness I feel in the meantime?
AskJason : It's very hard for me to answer you regarding his actual level of love for you. I am not him, so I really can't answer. What I do know is what you've told me, and he sounds as if he was very much into you and that he was definitely planning for the long term. I would focus on what we've chatted about here before you let your mind be riddled with thoughts that he doesn't love you. You can rest assured knowing that in the end, the truth will come out and you will knownhowbhe really feels, since if by some slight chance he really doesnt love you, it will be obvious by his willingness to let you go. I would recommend, however, that you cast aside thoughts of that for now, and instead focus on communicating with him and having HIM tell you what it is he is truly feeling. Give it a week and then call him to have a conversation. Ideally have him agree to meet with you in person so you can benefit fro
AskJason : from his body language and just have a more meaningful conversation. Question him, without interrogating him, about what went through his mind the morning of your planned trip to his parents. If he actually stands firm with his thoughts that he doesn't want to see you anymore, then at that time you'll have to face that reality and deal with the fact that he just wasn't the man you thought he was. That hasn't happened yet, and very well may not. He may just be nervous and needs time to get his head straight. Good luck next week with your talk and feel free to submit another question with "For AskJason" in the beginning and it will be assigned to me. Please remember to click on positive feedback so I can be compensated for our time. Thank you and I hope things work out well for you!
AskJason : To cope with the sadness, try to keep in mind that your relationship is not over yet. He says he still has feeling and he says he wants to talk again soon. Keep your hope alive and keep your love for him alive. Take things as they come and believe in the power of love. If you guys are meant to be, then you will be. If not, then it will hurt but at least you will know you did all you could do to open your heart to him and there is nothing more you can do at that point but heal and now on if he won't reciprocate. But like I said, you are not at that point yet, so keep positive, believe in yourself and in him, and take it one step at a time. I hope this helps!
AskJason : It seems you have left the chat? I will transition this chat the to Question and Answe format sonyou can reply back to me if you need to or click on the positive feedback if you are satisfied. Thanks again.
AskJason, Relationship Answers
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 39
Experience: B.A. Psychology
AskJason and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  AskJason replied 2 years ago.
Hi Jaycee,

I hope you are doing ok, and I am here to chat if you need me!

AskJason
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Let me know if you are online
Expert:  AskJason replied 2 years ago.
Hi Jaycee,

Yes, I am online.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ok, I was working in Bristol Yesterday so I asked him to come to my hotel to talk. Just thought, he has had the upper hand all this time, he came within 25 minutes of my text. We had small talk and then I asked him if we could just deal with the issue, He said no, we should wait until tomorrow because he wants to stick to the plan of going for lunch , walk and then go for drinks in the evening. He is comming 1.30 hours away for this. We then talked about my birthday in October.he said he has already planned what he is getting for my birthday.

I am finding the whole thing frustrating,have I made myself cheap by waiting for him to think?if he is comming to tell mere does not want me,what's the point of lunch,walks,I am I just a friend now?not sure how to handle tomorrow,
Expert:  AskJason replied 2 years ago.

This is interesting because based on what you've said above, it really does seem 50/50 as to his intent. Is he just buying time and pacifying you, with plans to give you bad news tomorrow, or is he planning some big evening for you, full of surprises and the reason he is being so coy is because he is excited to tell you good news? I really can't call this one and obviously you are confused too. Why would he tell you about your birthday gift if he plans to end the relationship? That would just be cruel. I think the botXXXXX XXXXXne here is that all you can do is wait one more day. The good news is that you will go to sleep tomorrow night knowing exactly where things stand. He's not going to come 1.5 hours to meet you, have lunch, take walks and have drinks without telling you where he stands. Even if he did try to pull some lame move where he didn't tell you what you needed to know, you're not going to accept that anyway. You'll stand up to him and demand to hear what is truly on his mind and in his heart. So for tonight, my best advice is to just relax, relinquish control for the evening since you really can't change anything, and rest assured that tomorrow is going to be a great day because you are finally going to get to hear the truth. Again, if he does anything short of profess his love for you tomorrow, then that is an answer within it itself and you would likely be wise to end the relationship yourself. To be clear, what I mean by that is you guys have been together over a year. He's 37 and you're 36. At this age and time in life, a year is a long enough time to know where things stand. He either wants to pursue a long term relationship with you, or he does not. The time has come for him to tell you where he stands on this. If he doesn't tell you that he wants to be with you and instead is flaky or vague or anything short of clear, then this tells you he is not certain of his feelings for you. If that is the case, then I would guess you would realize that if he doesn't feel in love with you by now, then he isn't worthy of any more of your time hoping he will commit to you. I'm not saying he has to give you a ring tomorrow night. (And who knows, maybe that is his plan!) But that aside, he has to at least tell you he is in love with you and tell you he wants to be with you and nobody else and that he wants to be in this relationship with you. Remember to ask for straight answers regarding why he canceled that trip to his parents' house and what it was that set him off to not want to see you for a few weeks. Just be honest with each other and all the rest should fall into place! Definitely let me know how it all goes, and please remember to click on positive feedback for me if this answer is helpful.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Here we go,

 

Well he came yesterday, He stayed the night and only left this evening around 6pm.

 

When he arrived at the restaurant he was wearing the clothes he was wearing for our first date, he bought the shirt for our first date..

He complimented me on my appearance and we sat on the table.

 

 

He said he had not changed his mind, I said that was fine but I would like to know how long, this has been a lie and how long you have not loved me for. He said" why are you being negative" I missed you and I love you that has not changed. How I feel about you not an issue.

 

He said he was hurt when I decided to move town, he did not want to stop me from my dreams and to move near family however he is not keen on my choice of location because he believes the town we lived in before is better. He does hope over time I can see that.

 

In nutshell he said he is scared of commitment. I am the most serious relationship he has had in the last 10 years. he knows he loves me a lot but scared of losing himself at the same time. He is not sure how to deal with his fear and what might happen in the future.What he knows is that he has missed me and enjoys being with me. He did not contact me because he wanted to stay true to his word of a clean break, however he went to bed holding his phone every night fighting the age to call, hence his prompt responses to my texts.

 

He suggested that rather than him come to me every weekend, could we alternate weekends, ie one weekend and mine and the other at his flat. As well as this I stay with him in the week when I am working at my business in Bristol meaning we are seeing each other midweek as well.

 

He said I could have space in his wardrobe for my stuff and have a key to his room so I can go there even if he is at work. In addition he feels that in over a year he has not done anything on the weekend without me.he asked if we could allow for one weekend a month where we can both do what we please.he could play additional sport or go to a sporting event, or even lazy around his flat. On that weekend we can see each other more in the week.

 

He was back to being his usual affectionate self, he even tried to I make love to me this morning but I said I don't have sex on the first night. I know eventually I want a partner I can share a home with, not right now but I know I want this in the future.should I let this one go, or is it worth hanging in there and show him that you can be part of a couple but still have your own interests?

 

What do you think? I asked weather he feels we are still together or if I should start dating other people.he kissed me and said we are still together. He is expecting me to stay with his Tuesday night. He said he will call me before he does to sleep tonight.

 

 

Expert:  AskJason replied 2 years ago.
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