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Steven Olsen
Steven Olsen, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1765
Experience:  More than 20 years of expertise in counseling, relationship resolution and family therapy.
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my girlfriend broke up with me after 5 1/2 years. I just moved

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my girlfriend broke up with me after 5 1/2 years. I just moved back to my place after staying with her for 6 months.months. she slept with her next door neighbor twice and seems to be honest and up front about it all. we started seeing each other again and have spent alot of time together. she says she believes in me and wants to take our time to get things right and not take each other@ for granted. we were apart for 2 weeks. we have been sering each other pretty much every day or night since we had coffee and started talking again (2 weeks ). hers my big hang up....she thinks it's ok to talk, be friends and hang out and smoke and be friends with him. I've told her I'm ok the fact she slept with someone. I do not think it's ok to have contact with this person at all. I told her she gave up the right to be his friend when she decided to pursue US again, because she became/ sexually/romantically involved with him. it's very uncomfortable even seeing him when I go to her house.i don't know if it's ok to give her an ultimatum, him or me. I don't want to lose her again but its not healthy on my soul to think about him and her and be reminded of it every day. please advise.

I would be happy to help.

 

First of all, this is definitely not faulty reasoning on your part. Your girlfriend is not being fair to you, or even logical in her decision to stay in contact with this man. A sexual contact was made with him. That changed the nature and intimacy level of the relationship. Simply said, a personal boundary has been crossed and if she wants to be with you in a serious relationship she must not have contact with him. It is callous and unreasonable on her part to even think that this is acceptable.

 

What to do?

 

You are in the right here, but to giver her the best chance of working this out, I would have a conversation with her that uses a lot of "I" statements: I feel; I think: etc about your position on this. (Ex: I am not comfortable with you having any contact with this man. If you are serious about us, I need this relationship with him totally end, (even as a friendship) because of what happened between you.)

 

If she refuses to do this, sadly, you have an answer about her true intentions and feelings. She cannot have both you and a friendship with this person. It will not work, and cannot work. And the only way to have a chance at repairing you both is if she agrees to stop seeing him, even as a friend. Steven

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