I've been wanting to break up with my girlfriend for the past few weeks now. We have a long distance relationship for the past 1.5 years, I do love her...I love her a lot actually. I've been divorced and she was the woman that made me slow down the partying faze and realize that really good/trustworthy women exist. She is one of the best people that I know...we also are very similar and very different in a lot of respects. She's more laid back and Im more of a go getter...I secretly wish that at times she could have a bit more drive when it comes to things. for instance, I wish that she would work out at the gym to stay in shape, she's in decent shape now at 31 however, without a healthy workout routine she could begin gaining fairly easily. Im 33 and have been very active for a long time and I know the best way to motivate her to go is to simply shut my mouth and allow her to live her life...whether she does or not is none of my business, however, in my heart it has bothered me. She began going to the gym for a few months and then quickly abandoned it saying "it was too hard to get up in the am before work". I was so hurt that she would give up so quickly...if it was easy, EVERYONE would do it and be in great shape! We know that, however, I believe that everyone has the greatness in them to motivate themselves towards any goal, I just don't know how to motivate her for the gym. When I knew she was going to the gym, I seriously was contemplating eventually moving her in with me with plans to start a family in the future. I know the difference btw "wants" and "Needs" in a relationship...I've seen friends have wives that "let themselves go" and Im really scared to make that gamble with her. I really believe that if I'm not with her...I dont ever see myself being/trusting anyone the way I love/trust here. I know my situation seems simple but complex at the same time. For instance, I've started to distance myself..and as soon as I feel her distancing herself also, I start losing my appetite and want to do anything in the world to get her to love me the same way...why??? Idk what to do...I love her but I really dont think I could be happy with a woman not having the gym as a high priority. I would care if she was overweight, the main thing I care about is making a strong effort not to be, the results I could care less about. It's the desire. I feel in life, many ppl want to have the championship but they dont want to put the championship work in to actually get it...and that is the opposite of how I live my life! Can I salvage this relationship? Is it me with the problem...or do I have a solid case? Do I gamble and eventually marry with hopes of her wanting to be healthier or do I let a really good thing go because at the end of the day, I'd prob be miserable anyways?? Idk...any solid advice is greatly appreciated. I just want to do the right thing..Ive been married/divorced once I'm simply trying not to make the same mistakes of the past. If she's not the one for me...I'll walk away, however, I dont know at this point. Thanks again for your advice! :)
talked with one of my buddies
Hello. Everyone has their own ideas of what they want in a person and a lifetime partner and there are always pros and cons. No one is perfect. Everyone has flaws. You have flaws that she doesn't like too. If looks/weight/gym motivation are the most important things to you, then there are a billion beautiful and skinny women out there for you. You have your priorities. To be honest, the standard that you hold her to and the fact that you can't let go of something as simple as going to the gym is bothersome. Some people have a serious issue with getting up early and if it is stressful for her, would you want to force someone to do something that they don't want to do just to make you happy? One thing you have to understand about people when they get older; Men get fat too. It is MUCH MUCH harder for a woman and childbirth ruins your body. Hormones can cause a lot of issues that diet and exercise have a hard time overcoming. It doesn't matter how pretty and skinny you are, time changes everyone. It will change you too. To look at someone and judge them for their body when they are 70 years old is not a healthy outlook at all. It sounds to me as though you have already made up your mind. She is not going to meet your ultimate expectation of being a gym attender. If you cannot look past something so minor in the big picture and you will be tortured by wondering if she might gain a pound, then no, this is not the relationship for you. Love is love. It shouldn't matter if she gained 100 lbs, your feelings for someone should never change. If it is her motivation that is concerning, how is her motivation for life in general? If she is a happy person, what else can you want for someone?You should never keep secrets from your partner. The fact that you have not told her any of this bothers you, is also not healthy for a relationship. You absolutely should discuss with her your concerns. I can bet that she will be extremely hurt that you feel that way and she will not want to be with someone who judges her heavily in the way that you do. I'm not certain anyone can make you happy if you hold them to the standards that you describe here. If you are thinking of future scenarios, you should also think about if anything were to happen to you. What if you both got married and you were diagnosed with some horrible disease or you were in an accident which left you unable to go to the gym? What if something happened where you were physically disfigured? How would you expect for her to respond to those things? If you are worried about how she is going to look in the future, you should also think about the big picture and what is important in life. To a lot of people, it is finding a great person who they love and who loves them. People go on a relationship journey together, through bad and good times. If you are questioning this entire relationship based on her motivation for being physically fit, then I'm afraid I don't see much hope unless you readjust your priorities. Be honest with her. Tell her how you feel. You will feel better knowing that you were up front and not keeping secrets. She will feel better that she knows how you really feel about her as well. You said you would probably be miserable anyways if you were to stay with her. That statement says it all. She is not the person for you. Maybe if you met someone at the gym who was just as involved physically as you were, you would be a much happier person. You have to do what makes you happy, as does your girlfriend. If going to the gym doesn't make her happy, that is how it is. Everyone deserves to be happy. So, if you want this to work, you have to change your priorities and know that there is no sure bet in anything. We all take risks with anyone we are with. That is called love. She is taking an equal risk being with you as well. What if she goes all in, thinking you love her dearly and a few years into it, you decide she doesn't meet your expectations and you leave her? Everything is 50/50, it isn't all about your wants, needs and fears of the future. It is also about hers. If you just cannot let it go, then you need to let her go. It's what is fair to you and to her. You can't keep going like this. It's all or nothing.
Hello,Thank you so much for the quick reply...in my haste I obviously didnt make myself clear in my argument. I am not at all judging her for not wanting to go to the gym, the same I wouldnt want her to judge me for the amount of money I currently make...which she doesnt (Im a student btw). I know that she wants to tone up and get in better shape...as does everyone, I am simply looking at ways that I can encourage her to do what she wants to do in the first place. Theres many ways of getting into better shape...being consistent and motivated are huge factors. There is a reason why ppl gain weight and do nothing about it...the same way there is a reason why someone could hate their job but do nothing about it. I believe we are all greater than we believe...and having someone believe in you before you believe in yourself sometimes is all we need. I believe in her...I believe in everyone that feels they have to secretly live in "just getting by" mode. There is a reason why you graduated college/university...I know many ppl who are young who would like to graduate also but dont have the motivation to attend university and study...they are not happy with their current situation but for whatever the reason they havent felt motivated enough to change it. Life is short...I know how amazing my woman is...I do. Im not judging her, I just want her to have everything she wants. If she was content and happy with her body size/weight, I would be happy! She isnt she'd like to lose weight...and I told her she's beautiful because she is, however, if theres something you WANT to do in life...go after it! If you want to be biologist...if thats really your dream, go after it. You live once, live empty. live empty. However, most ppl dont think like that...they settle and I see how great she is. She's too awesome to give up and settle for anything in life...even a relationship. For instance, she's always wanted to go back to school...after being with me, she realized the importance of truly making herself happy and is now ecstatic about going back to school and not being in her stressful job. She's more amazing than she thinks...I love her and your right, I need to simply continue loving her for who she is and encourage her through her journey the same way she is with me. I'm FAR from perfect lol...she's helped me a lot along my journey and I should be less harsh and more loving. I've always been able to motivate myself very easily...everyone isnt like that, I have weaknessess also that are her strengths...she's been patient with me. Again, I dont judge anyone...I just want to encourage the world to be what they really want to be and not settle for anything less. Live empty...sing every song in your heart before that last breath is my motto. Thank you for your in depth feedback...I really just want to do whats right, simply. In my heart, I really dont want to lose her.Last question? Why do you think that I've started wanting her back after I've been so distant lately...as soon as she started becoming distant, I instantly felt like telling her that I'd do anything for us to be happy again. I felt like even proposing to her...I know thats not a wise decision but thats what I've felt. Maybe Im rambling and not making sense...idk, anyways thanks for giving me a platform to get my feelings out without being judged...I really appreciate it the love. Thank you
THe reason you want her back again is because you love her! Of course you are going to feel that draw. I understand your opinion about people and that is great to have, but you still have to understand that not everyone feels that way about life. Also, being in a long distance relationship can take it's toll as well. DO you have an opportunity to be together? Unless you spend a day to day time frame with her, even live with her, I don't think you should propose. MAybe being with you, I mean WITH you, your enthusiasm for life will rub off on her. I still think you need to think about your priorities. It is very difficult to have good chemistry with someone and feel that connection, love and trust. You want her back because you need that. If there is any way that you have to spend physical time with her, I would try to do that as much as possible. I'm sure of course that you would want to, but as you said, people make their own luck and circumstances. Be motivated to have that as a goal. When you are with her more often, you will be able to better determine the future of the relationship.
Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Thank you again for your in depth answers, very helpful/insightful..means a lot. Thank you and enjoy the rest of the weekend.
NO problem. Keep me posted as to what you end up doing.
I have to have the last post in the thread for Just Answer to release me from your question so I can answer other clients.