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DrFee
DrFee, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 437
Experience:  20+ years of counseling experience, Wife & Mother
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My daughter has been with her 28 year old boyfriend for 4 years,

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My daughter has been with her 28 year old boyfriend for 4 years, she has a little boy age 6. He still lives with his mom and they have had a fair few fall outs over this time. He rarely sees us not interested in her family, he is very good with her son when he can be bothered to see him. She actually used to stay at his moms on the weekend her son goes to his Dads even though she has her own house. 1& months ago they split for a month, she met someone else and had a relationship with. Her current boyfriend knows nothing about him. She still texts and sees the other chap not had a relationship with him even though they both have deep feigns for each other. But she can't seem to fall out with the long term boyfriend, apparently he wants her now forever! I just can't understand when he has nothing to do with us (we are a close family) or her son! Help
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrFee replied 1 year ago.

DrFee :

Hello! Please remember that my responses are informational only, we are not establishing a therapeutic relationship.

DrFee :

It sounds like that is a frustrating situation for you.

DrFee :

And probably confusing as to why she does not move on.

DrFee :

And, I suspect that you feel helpless too!

Customer: Very frustrating
DrFee :

What happens when you've tried to talk to her about the situation?

Customer: Yes to all your statements! He has upset her deeply several times
Customer: Plus she asked me if you could love two people his mom is very controlling too
Customer: She actually agrees with me one day then tells me different the next day. She said she don't know who she is anymore she don't even know if she loves him
DrFee :

Wow --it sounds like she is paralyzed by her feelings and very stuck. And having difficulty accepting that his behavior is not functional for a relationship.

DrFee :

I would say she doesn't need to "know if she loves him," rather, does she want to continue living like this 1, 2, 5 years from now under the conditions that she's living now? If she can picture that scenario (nothing changing) it might help.

DrFee :

Or --does she hold onto false hope that he will change --which will make things harder if that's her belief.

Customer: I just don't know what to do anymore. I think a lot of her problems are from her child's Dad he had an affair when she was pregnant they were engaged and had been together for five years! Since then she met this one and it's been so up and down he has been selfish, he smokes dope and likes to stay at his moms :(
DrFee :

So really she has 2 men in her life where neither relationship is healthy or functional.

DrFee :

You are limited in what you can do. I would first say that ideally it would be good if she went to therapy.

DrFee :

When we are stuck, we tend to listen to those closest to us the least!

DrFee :

If she's not open to that, I would ask very open-ended questions like, "How do you picture your life 5 years from now? What do you want the circumstances to be like?"

DrFee :

The point being, where you don't tell her what to do or why this is all so wrong, but try to get her to discover it for herself by asking open, inviting, questions that make her think.

DrFee :

If she complains about one of these guys' behavior, I'd ask, "Wow --what's that like for you to deal with?"

DrFee :

And make empathic reflections, "It must be frustrating that your boyfriend is high and you couldn't do what you wnted!"

DrFee :

wanted

Customer: The second one we have known for many years, he has a little girl, he is a kind good man who is in the background waiting for her! If that makes sense. If I had to choose for her defo the second one because he is what I call a proper family man. The first one however Ihas never lived away from his mom, she is well off financially and he said he can't save till my daughter gets a job even though he is on a decent salary
DrFee :

So you might be relieved if she let go of #1 and went with @2

DrFee :

#2

Customer: We as a family would be very relieved for her sons sake too
DrFee :

Yes, it would be good for her son to have some stability.

Customer: That's what we have said, he has not had a father figure in the home since he was three weeks old, he is a very very clever boy. But his behaviour can be upsetting at times, very emotional and moody
DrFee :

That's understandable --with his father so in and out of his life....

Customer: It is this is why she needs a stable relationship for both their sakes! She confuses me as yesterday she said she just wants to put her arms round number 2 when she sees hi
Customer: Even though she diesnt
DrFee :

Can you suggest therapy to her?

Customer: II have done, she is actually on anti depressant at the moment due to anxiety which again is through the problems she said she will but where would you suggest?
Customer: Have you gone?
DrFee :

No I am here

DrFee :

One second

Customer: Ok
DrFee :

A good psychologist --I think any modality would work in this situation, more importantly she would need to feel comfortable with the therapist and be able to develop a good working relationship with him or her.

DrFee :

Do you need websites to search for one?

Customer: No I can do a search myself thanks
DrFee :

OK. She may want to do several consultations --

DrFee :

Unless she really connects well with the first person that she goes to.

Customer: That's the problem she speaks to lots of people and agrees with whoever she's with at the fime
DrFee :

A good therapist should be able to see through that ---

Customer: Ok well I will see what happens
DrFee :

I'm sorry that you are in the helpless position of watching. I think it's the most frustrating to see our kids suffering --even more than ourselves!

Customer: Yes it's hard to see someone you love being sad thank you anyway
DrFee :

You are welcome. I hope I gave you some ideas of how to approach her

Customer: I can actually approach her to be fair I just don't know how I should be coping with it all
DrFee :

That's a tough one. It essentially means allowing her (by that I mean emotionally) to make her mistakes and find a way to accept that you have no control.

DrFee :

You don't give up caring, but you need some kind of emotional boundary.

DrFee :

Particularly tough balance, but it's worth working on.

Customer: Yes that's what I think but at the same time she needs to understand she can't keep coming to me with the problems
DrFee :

Otherwise you can make yourself physically sick. Then, perhaps you need to set some tangible boundaries as well.

DrFee :

You might need to tell her that you cannot listen to certain topics....and explain why.

Customer: Yes agreed thanks anyway
DrFee :

OK --You are welcome.

DrFee, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 437
Experience: 20+ years of counseling experience, Wife & Mother
DrFee and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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