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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5733
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Customer Question

Hi Kate.....................
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

Later then :)

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Kate

I'm feeling utterly sick. I've just had a huge showdown with D who has just got home from his festival and discovered the fence up. I told him Mark did it, he was mad mad mad. He wants to have me sectioned. He will not do this divorce. He will not leave this house. He does not understand what he's doing to me, not a clue, says it's all me me me in my mentally ill head.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

It sounds like he feels he may have lost control and he probably does not like that. From how he has behaved all along, he likes to maintain control even when it hurts others and especially when it hurts you. He seems to want to let you deal with these situations without his help just so he can do what he wants. Dave does not have a choice about the divorce, does he? And according to your attorney, he can be removed, just based on what he has done to you, right? If that is the case, then he may just be blowing smoke because he doesn't like you challenging his control.

He cannot have you committed. There is no evidence that you have anything that you can be committed for. And you have so many people that can go to bat for you that it would be near impossible for him to succeed. He is a known abuser. It may help you to call someone who can help and let them know what Dave said. You may need to have another person intervene if Dave does try anything.


Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I tried to tell him I couldn't wait it had to be done and he hadn't done it instead spent the day in the pub. He said he would have done it, I said I can't keep waiting. He said that's my trouble, I want things done straight away, he said I'm just like my mother, I said poor mum, then he said like my grandparents then, he said Major Cooke (my grandfather), I said I never met him. But I don't ask, haven't asked for years, I've done things myself, or done without. He was telling me the other day that I am too soft, bc I don't ask for help. Can't win.

He said I'm a conniving bitch, not sure what I'm conniving about, but he wasn’t well at the festival and was lying in his van thinking about the divorce and me. He says he loves me still, why why? I said why does it matter that Mark did the fence, were getting divorced.he said maybe but I’m still going to live here. He said he is responsible for things around here, I said why do I have no say, I am responsible, I am, I do so much, you’re not here. He’s mad bc Mark did the work, he knows Mark watches me, wants to be with me, talk to me when he can, D is angry, especially bc Mark did the fence, he was here with me, he tells me he’s jealous.

He was ranting on and on, about my professional support, particularly therapy, but lawyer too, saying they don’t know him, us, do they ask questions, he questions all the time, every day, it’s me, take me out of the equation, the kids, the animals, him, the house, all fine, it’s just me.

He will use this against me, bc I took control like you say. No he doesn’t have a choice, it will happen, and there will be ways of having him removed, but he said one of us will be dead.

I did the right thing getting mark to do the fence, I feel better about the dogs. He doesn't know how I feel, he didn't have to deal with the man in the road, he didn't have to clear up the dog foul from the cottage garden. He's never here, doesn't know. There is so much I could have told him, that I did the stream, put water in the pond, but it's a waste of breath.

He is mad about my support. I'm glad he doesn't know all of it. He thinks everyone is twisting my thoughts.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

It sounds like he feels defensive about you doing things without him, though he will never do them himself. He seems to pull out the same argument each time, that everyone is against him and everyone is poisoning your mind against him. All things center around him all the time. And he seems to want to keep his abuse quiet so no one knows that he is not doing the work at home. He may just want you to cope with it while he ignores it.

Arguing with him gets no where. He is not interested in hearing reason and doesn't want to change. You did the right thing, no doubt. Calling Mark and getting the work done was necessary. Dave gave you no choice.

What worries me is that he has threatened you. That shows he is very unstable. If he threatened you again today, then reporting that to your attorney and maybe the police is important. You need back up on this so if he does try something, you can get immediate help.


Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5733
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Sigh. he's just told me that the fence won't be there tomorrow, he will cut it down and put up his own fence. I said the fence is fine, leave it, I've paid for it. He said you will pay for it again. He is mad,. On and on. I told him not to be pathetic, and to shut up a good many times and go to sleep. The fence won't be there tomorrow, there is nothing I can do about that bc I'll be at work. He wants to win, he will win. I was going to ask you if I did the right thing asking Mark to do the fence. Thank you for saying I did. But if I didn't I wouldn't be here now. I like the fence, it's neat and tidy, just as I wanted it, but he will smash it down and do his own version. He's mad bc I took control. I did know he would be mad but I thought I would deal. He makes me sick.
Sorry Kate to keep you. I'd best try to sleep, early day tomorrow. Goodnight, and thank you Kate. He is quiet now. He hasn't opened his letter from his solicitor. That will be tomorrow's upset.

Talk tomorrow,

Hilary Rosexx

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.

I'm sorry, Hilary Rose. It sounds like he is losing control. This is not your fault, it is his and it's important that you recognize that. It may feel overwhelming when he is upset, but that doesn't make you less right. You took responsibility and did what needed to be done, when he would not do it. If I may suggest, you might want to get pictures of the fence you have now then again when he tears it down. Talk to your attorney about your options too.

Good night, Hilary Rose. Hang in there.


Customer: replied 3 years ago.

thank you so much, I have taken a couple of photos before going to pick Poppy up, now at work. My mobile phone has run out of battery so I can't find out from the kids what is happening at home. I hope he went to work. I hope he thought he was being stupid to cut it down, but I fully expect him to. I'll see what has happened later and let my solicitor know.

I asked Poppy is she would be OK moving out from home and finding somewhere else bc dad wants to keep the barn. She said he won't be able to afford to live there, but yes, she'd be OK moving but it depended where (of course)

Back later, once home :(

Hilary Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 3 years ago.
Talk to you then!

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