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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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choosing kids over spouse. what is there to do when a spouse

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choosing kids over spouse. what is there to do when a spouse is rebuilding a relationship ith alinated children, but blamed you for the alination because the bio mom hated you. spouse blames me but i had to show proof that this was not ture. spouse seems to believe it but its just turned into distance now. why? why is this happening?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 4 years ago.

It is very hard to have a successful blended family. Often the relationships are just too complicated. He may blame you because it is easier to believe that it is your fault then his. He may want the relationship with the kids so badly that you are the chosen culprit when in reality it may have been a combination of things. You should be able to have both relationships and live as a family. However if he insists on making you the bad guy then that relationship is fractured. His judgment may be clouded by the intensity of his need to be a parent.

Unfortunately he may feel by choosing the children and putting blame on you it wins them over for the time being. It is more difficult to have a relationship if the children feel he is to blame. His intense need to be a parent may be creating scenarios that make him less than a distant father.

I would try to gradually allow him to realize that you too want a relationship. You have to gage how to best approach this subject as the relationship with them matures. He may just be doing this at present because he is overcompensating. As they get closer there may be a place for you too.

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.

Physclady. Choosing children again. Spouse is SO desperate to build a bond with children after alienation. He has complied with everything the bio wants. EVERYTHING. I cant be present not to make bio mad!

 

he wont discuss it with me. We are in separate home. He declares love for me. Just to give him "time" dealing with conflicting emotions. Spouse feels SO guilty etc over the past about the relationship with the children. They are 16&17. Spouse is also dealing with P T S D.

 

Everyone says not to make him to have a choice and let him work this out because of the PTSD&children. I feel angry he doesn't upset the bio(monster) and not take my side. I feel guilt because I know he wants to be a parent again. Band everyone says don't pressure or he will back again from me. I am physically sick from emotional reasons. I have tried everything (legal) to remedy my pain, and still cannot. I talk to someone but it doesn't change my physical feelings.

Can you give just an kinda explanation and what to do

Expert:  psychlady replied 4 years ago.
This is terrible. It like you and your husband's contact is orchestrated by an ex who uses the children as a weapon. It sounds like your husband has issues he needs to deal with but this guilt may be increasing his need to have this relationship with his children. Guilt can make a person overcompensate for events in the past or relationships that were never what they wanted. He is to a certain extent sacrificing the relationship with you as well. What you need right now is a consistent relationship with a professional
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