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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question

Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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My boyfriend of one year says i need to change for him to want

Customer Question

My boyfriend of one year says i need to change for him to want to be with me. I am 47 and he will be 47 on Tuesday. Firstly, should i send him a card and should i have to change to be with him?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 2 years ago.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Thank you for contacting Just Answer. I am sorry to hear about what is going on. Does he say how he would like you to change?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Apropos, sending him a card --- yes, send the birthday card but let me hear what it is that he is asking of you to know whether this is realistic or whether you need to tell him this is who I am and if that doesn't suit you then I guess we should go our separate ways. That is, he met you one year ago --- you are who you are so I would like to know what he is talking about.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Hi there.

Customer:

Be more interested and sociable, and stop relying on him for emotional needs. I have a lot of stress with my Mother who is alcoholic and have had financial difficulties. My confidence and self esteeem is rock bottom and he watches me and makes me worse. He wants me to converse in interesting conversatio with all his friends,

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I see.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You know, your personality is your personality. Meaning if you are not outgoing that is not going to change that much. If you are having trouble dealing with the problems with your mom then that is something you can get help with. But what I would be concerned about is his lack of understanding.

Customer:

I am a nurse and have a responsible job. My work colloeauges have no complaints, i just freeze up when i am around him and his large social circle

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

If your confidence and self esteem is rock bottom it could help you to see a therapist so that you rely on the therapist more for your emotional needs and a little less on him.

Customer:

If i don't answer him immediately he says staright away "NO, yes yes, no" and makes me a nervous wreck

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So maybe that should tell you something --- he's not being nice. He's being judgmental of you.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So should I ask you a stupid question?

Customer:

MM, know, but he says he is trying to get the best out of me

Customer:

Ask away

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Why are you wanting to be with HIM if he acts like that with you.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

But he's not getting the best out of you. Frankly, he's pushing you away.

Customer:

I have feelings for him and he is generally a nice guy, but he has never had a relationship longer than ours....a year and he doesnt see the point in persuing anything if it goes below 85 per cent perfect

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I think you are asking for trouble. You yourself said it and I quote you, "but he has never had a relationship longer than ours....a year and he doesnt see the point in persuing anything if it goes below 85 per cent perfect." That says a whole lot about him and his problems. Sounds like "he ain't so perfect' like he is expecting you to be.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

He's 48 and never had a relationship longer than a year. Sounds like he has some issues he needs to look at within himself.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

OOPS!!! 47

Customer:

He is very confident and will chat to anybody about anything. I am more reserved but certainly not thick or mute! He said he wants to get the best out of me because he feels the potential is there. \we have just come back from Vietnam and he has ended it because i sauid something he didn't like and i wasn't enthusiastic enough?!

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

What was that?

Customer:

He smokes weed daily and does not see this as a problem as he says it has no effect on him. I see moodiness in the mornings and forgetfullness

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

So saying something he didn't like is cause for a break-up.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Of course, you're right. He's wrong.

Customer:

He said he was gping to stay with a female friend in Dubai for a few days on the way if i hadn't gone with him and i told him he shouold have done instead of talking about it on my firdst night there

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Oh, so I see you need to be perfect but he could be a messed up pot head --- please --- give me a break.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I'm not sure I understood that.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You told him he should have done what?

Customer:

Basically now I have to look at myself in the mirror and have a serious chat with myself and decide what i am going to do to be more interesting, interested and bring more to the relationship. Until i prove i have made positive changes he doesnt want to know

Customer:

Should have gone to stay with the friend in Dubai on the way to Vietnam. You see i went three days after him

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Look, it's not just you. He has his own issues. You also need to look at what he does to make you feel badly about yourself.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

You actually sound more together than he does.

Customer:

Any suggestions to help me get a little self belief here. He told me he doesnt fancy me amynore but not in a physical way, he just doesnt like me when i dont please him

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

My goal is to provide you with excellent service. If you have more questions, please ask if I haven't answered what it is you want to know.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

It's hard for me to say really about suggestions and that's because he doesn't look at his problems and only dumps on you. That is what is my concern here. Your personality is more quiet, introspective --- his --- well, I guess if you were a pothead, you, too, would be out there and all over the place.

Customer:

Yes, thank you, XXXXX XXXXX been very helpful

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I'm sorry if you don't like what I am saying but you are here so my obligation is to be protective of you and to point out all these things to you.

Customer:

A ,an of 47 to never have a relationship over a year has to mean something?

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I should tell you that I have been a therapist for over 40 years. I have 17 years of education post my bachelor of arts degree in the mental health field. My worry is that you are going to be hurt. He has zero self awareness. Look at you --- right away you said I need to look at myself in the mirror. He sure isn't doing that.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Yes, you are absolutely right. You deserve better.

Customer:

HE SAYS HE HAS DONE IT MANY TIMES AND IS VERY FOCUSED AND KNOWS WHO HE IS AND IS HAPPY IN HIS OWN SKIN

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Yah, yah ---- WITH P O T !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Customer:

Ha ha, yes, you are right. I think I need to let go and find someone who appreciates me

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You got it! Of course!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh your response pleases me. It shows me how thoughtful and self reflective you are. As I said, you deserve better.

Customer:

Thank you Dr Schaye. All the best to you

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

Your welcome! Let me say to you that I am here for you and that if you need to chat with me some more you can always do that just by putting Dr. Shirley Schaye before your question and I will be the one to answer.

Dr. Shirley Schaye :

I wish you well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience: PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye
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1673 Satisfied Customers
PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy