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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I had been dating a girl for just about three years. We were

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I had been dating a girl for just about three years. We were totally opposites. In highschool i was a football player, and she was a smart student but not to many friends. She disliked that i went out to parties, and in the end i realized that was not who i was. When college came she went away to school only an hour away it wasnt to bad, but it hurt not seeing her everyday but i never let it affect us or let her see i was hurt. She left after one semester because being home sick. Now she was home everyday and commuting to school. We were each others best friends. I was working on my career as a firefighter, and she was working on hers as a special ed teacher. To be a firefighter i had to live in the city of the town i was applying to so i had to pick up a heavy work load between classes and work. I work average 75 hours a week. This took a toll on her because like i said she didnt have that many friends. She has endodemtrosis and the pain is unbareable for her so she went to another specialist who recommended a surgery witch insurance wouldnt cover. So she went for plan b witch was a injection shot that put her into menapause at age 20 for a few months. Right away i saw a change. 2 months went by and she started hangingout with new people and making new friends. I thought this was great she is making new friends. Well plan back fired. She started partying , and lieing to me. I never once confronted her she came to me and said i went to a party. I asked if anything happened she told me no. All was fine. The next week we went on a nice day trip to the state aquarium. The next day she was going to her cousins wedding. That next day before she went to the air port i asked her if i could come see her, or she could stop by work to say good bye because i will miss her. She right away said she was to busy. That next three days we barely talked. She claimed she was busy and what not. When she came home on the sunday we were supposed to hangout. She ditched me to talk to her friend. My car broke down i called her for a ride she made me walk for 4 hours before she came and got me. Then she dropped me off at home and i asked her to text me when she got home to tell me she was ok. She texted me "i got home safely" i replied "alright i love you babe goodnight" she then texted back we need a break. Of course three years of dating nad to give me that respect a text not a call a talk or anything no reasons. So a day went on she was spending more time with these kids and me being an idiot just wanted to talk work things out. Not knowing she had already made up her mind. A week goes by of no talking i come to find she is seeing another guy a week after we broke up. I got off work late about 9 days after and got a phone call from her os i answered it was a guy telling me he was going to kick my A** meet me here. Me being stupid went 8 kids were there, but no fight occured as i left i got a picture sent to my phone from a random number of her and a kid hooking up. Now its about 2 months after i have been so hurt i still love her and would do anything for her i just dont understand. How one who loves you one day so much and the next just dumps you to a curb no ryhme or reason. Her biggest thing is alwayt being together and at times being a fireman/student i had little of. I regret not spending all my time with her, but she left me for a kid who is going to bootcamp in a few weeks. I just dont understand this whole thing. How now all she is doing is partying and trying to be someone she is not. Or how she hasnt contacted me since the break up to even see how i was doing
She sounds like she went through a lot with the condition she had and some times when you become sick or have any health problems it changes you. She now is better and as a person she has now changed. You mention before she did not have many friends well now she has many friends. This is a new experience for her, it is like her life just started. Often times people who had a certain life and get a taste of a new life they change. People grow not everyone stays the same. Often times events change people. Where she had health problems she was not able to experience life without being in pain. Once all those problems went away she felt free to live her life. She knew how much she suffered and she now knows she needs to live life to the fullest. But what I see is someone that went through a lot, you both were together a very long time, you created a bond, some times people back away from the people they love the most because they do not want to get hurt, so they block out things acting like they do not care. Which is not true they care more than you know. She right now has an attitude like she is going to go on with her life without thinking about what she has gone through. Everything with you is memories of her old life she had, she just wanted to forget all her pain and move forward. I feel that deep down she does love you and you need to find that person again that loved you. I want you to contact her and ask her why things changed and that you will always love her. Explain that you are willing to work things out.
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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
She is now dating the other guy. She will not respond from what she said hen it went down she wanted to be single, her feelings changed for me to this guy, and she needed time an space to think. She said it would take time for her to be friends again
She is dating this other guy that is now going to be going to boot camp in a few weeks. Going through boot camp is a life changing experience. This new guy will not be around because he will be in training. This would be a good time for you both to start talking again to become friends. You both were very close at one time and you both should remain friends if she is willing to do so. I want you to try to contact her to see how she is doing. It is important that you still have that contact with her. I think her feelings are blocked for you and she needs to be reminded of the people you once were when you were together. Some times people need to hear how someone feels to know how much they really care about them. You need to tell her how you feel. If she will not talk with you, then you need to write her a letter telling her. This way she can read it at her own pace, you can say everything you are feelings with no interruptions. It is the perfect way to tell her your true feelings.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I am going to write a letter. After we broke up I wrote her a letter for four days and sent flowers. The reason she won't talk to me i feel is because she jumped into a relationship with this kid. I guess time will heal all wounds and when she is ready she will respond. It's just she's all I think about and in my Line of work I see a lot of things and need to have a clear head. It really helped talking to you. I just don't get how so fast she could be in a relationship and erase everything we had in a matter of a week.
You said about her erasing you and her had in a week. I feel that she is just pushing aside how she feels, believe me she has not got over you in a week. You both shared so many things in life and she is just not facing what is happening. She decided that she was not ready to deal with it, so she just moved on. But there is going to be a time where everything comes up and she has to deal with her emotions. You can only block out your emotions for so long, and then they come to the surface. If you write a letter what will happen is it will bring up the feelings you want her to deal with. It is a reminder, memories of what you both had. I want you to mention a good solid memory that you both shared, a time when you both were happy. You need to remind her of what you both shared.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I wrote my letter going to mail it today. Saw her brother last night he was informing me how her parents aren't happy with this new kid and his sister has said she plans to reevaluate things sOon. I saw her once last week but she pretended not to even know me. I saw her also about an hour ago while I was having lunch with friends. Her little sister pointed me out and I could discretely see her looking at me but never said hi or anything I figured if I said hi it may have made her feel awkward or cause a problem with the new bf IF he found out
You should have said hi because she might have thought you were upset with her, she might even have thought the same thing you thought that you didn't know her. You have to remember a lot has happened in your relationship, she might have no idea what to said too you. She does not know how you are feelings at this point. Once you send the letter she will know how you really feel. In a relationship if no one is telling each other how they feel, then neither person knows. This is why I wanted you to send the letter so she knows you are still interested in having a relationship with her.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
So this weekend I went to a concert her brother called me they were at the same concert. I met up with then at the tail gate and we talked. I could tell she missed me. Her new boyfriend was texting her brother keep me away from her. Blah blah. We went into the concert and she texted me and asked if my friend and I would go sit with them. So we went And had a good time. The reason she said she can't answer me cuz this new kid gets very angry. She kept trying to talk about him in front of me. Then she would ask if I was angry. I'm giving it time and seeing how it goes. I ordered her birthday present before she broke up with me I got her a nice ring zac brown band tickets and her favorite movie the notebook. I have the. All put away but do I tell her I have those tickets.
I would give her all those things for her birthday that would be a great idea that would be very romantic. It sounds like she is torn between her old life and her new. He gets angry easy because he is worried that she still has feelings for you and he should be worried because you both were able to get to know each other again.What happens when some has a tough time they want to escape life and they feel that they can't go back to that life that reminds them of the hurt they once experienced. But what they are really saying is that they need the one they love the most to understand them.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
So my ex and me have started to talk again. She tells me how in love she is with her new bf. one word replies and won't talk to me when out with her new friends. The other morning she texted me asking for a ride she was stranded at one of his friends house. Not so good neighborhood. Of course I picked her up had a friendly conversation on way home. Next day she went out her phone got stollen same area. Her parents started texting me asking who these people are etc. her mom thanked me for watching out for her and careing for her. She lied to then where she was at. I just don know why to do if I should just move on and still care for her. Her new bf left for basic training.
I don't think you should give up. She called you to pick her up and I feel that was her way of seeing you to. She knows she just count say lets go out and do something she needed an excuse to see you. Her boyfriend. Is now and gone and she talks about him to see what your reaction is when she mentions his name .
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
What should I do or say. I try not to bring up us if we hang out , she just says people change and feelings change.
People change and feelings change only when certain thugs happen. Some times in a relationship things get routine and you have to keep things new and exciting. When you first start dating its new, executing yin learning about each other. Then as time passes you know the person very well and nothing seems new anymore. It us the comfortable zone where people tend to feel they have the person, they are not leaving, but you always in a relationship have to be paying attention to the one they love wants and needs. You want to establish a connection again. Set up certain memories that well trigger how she felt about you. You could recreate your very first date.

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