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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Is my marriage able to be fixed? Ive been married for 17

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Is my marriage able to be fixed? I've been married for 17 years have two children. I married very young and only had one serious boyfriend before I married. About 10 years ago I developed feelings for another guy that lasted about 2 years but I broke it off because I wanted my marriage to work. I recently fell on hard times and had to look for work and ended up working in the same place as the guy I left 10 years ago and flames sparked immediately and now its been a little over a year and we still see eachother. I seem to have very deep feelings for this other guy. I always thought it was best to keep a marriage together for the kids, there are some days that my husband still makes me smile and surprises me with his actions but most days he disappoints me around every corner. I feel like I am an awful person because I have feelings for this other guy. Is there a way to fix my marriage so I don't have these other feelings?

Any relationship can be fixed but the question is do you want the marriage to be fixed. It sounds like in your heart you know that you are not happy and you have been continually disappointed rather than feel cared for. If problems are not addressed but rather you placate him then a relationship cannot get better. It takes significant effort and communication even after many years. You can try marriage counseling if you both want this relationship to work and both of you are willing to work on communication. A marriage counselor can't influence who you really care about or if your husband is motivated to be a supportive husband. Sometimes a person simply is not giving 100% because the relationship is not rewarding anymore. Not only do your children deserve to be happy but you do too. Keeping your mouth shut says the relationship is not a good one for you. You shouldn't stay in a relationship out of obligation. No one can fix feelings you have because you have your own emotions. You have to be true to yourself and that may mean significant changes.

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Customer: replied 4 years ago.
if laziness is one of my major reoccurring problems (not helping with anything around the house or with the kids) is that a significant enough reason to end a marriage and destroy a family structure? if I have suggested marriage counselors and he declines. He use to complain that I didn't have sex enough or initiate sex enough so I have been trying very very hard to do this thinking it would make him want to be more caring and helpful but it doesn't seem to work. I've been with him for so long I feel that I do love him just wish I could change him. Then I feel bad about wanting to change him. I feel like most times I'm more his mother than his wife.
I don't hear a lot that laziness alone is usually a strong enough reason. However each person has their own reasons. After such a long time you probably can't change him but if you want a great guide on problems such as this grab a copy of Mars and Venus in a Committed Relationship. You will find it helpful and humorous. Don't worry about changing him. All partners would change something if they have the chance. Instead use this guide to work on communication.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
one more quick question.... I need to cut my ties with the other man to really make this work even with the book, right? Am I a bad person that I developed such a strong bond with him when I know I am committed to a man that I vowed to love the rest of my life? Some days I feel like I am the worst person on the face of the world.
Yes you have to clean this up by letting the other guy know you want to work on your marriage.You are not a bad person. Maybe you were just looking for some comfort in this friendship. You are not a bad person so don't think that way. Just focus on your relationship and this will help you not look elsewhere.
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