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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1501
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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RA-JM

Customer Question

I have a pretty big, probably kinda normal problem.

Last year, about late October, early November, my girlfriend of 10 months at the time dumped me at prom. She used an out of context quote to accuse me of cheating. Seeing as this was an obvious bullshit story so she could be angry at me when I moved in early December (which she had know about since July) I decided to play along. It ruined my prom, but it made leaving easier for the both of us.

I haven't really gotten into anything since, and she has been searching for a new me, with no luck. She has been hanging out with my best friend a lot recently, but he isn't into her at all so she isn't looking at him as her next attempt at replacing me.

Here's the big issue: I'm moving back there almost exactly a year after I left. My best friend is super excited, making plans to hang out already. I am not aware as to whether she knows I'm coming back, nor her reaction to it. Since she's hanging with my bro right now, will she still be when I get back?
And will she hang out with me?
Finally, what should I do to ease her into it, if anything?

I am totally prepared to see her again, but we won't be getting into another relationship.
Thanks for any help, I really appreciate it
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know your relationship ended the way it did mainly because of stressing circumstances.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It s true many times such approach makes it easier to detach and move on, but inside we keep the emptiness and conflict, also the grief for not having had a healthy ending.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is very sad once you had a good relationship that should have had continued at least as a healthy friendship once you left.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But we all learn from experience. You have know her from the time you were dating. My recommendation is for you to use the knowledge and understanding you already have about her personality, expectation, longings and anything more you learn about her when together.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Each person reacts in different ways to same challenges, this is why nobody could know better than you about her feelings and reactions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have an extra help here, your friend, who you know dos not truly feel in love with her. I imagine you know it from him, right?

Customer :

He isn't looking for a relationship at all, and he also knows of my relationship with her and how that worked out overall


 

Customer :

They're spending more time together as friends, despite her showing no interest in him at all while I was in town, which I'm not concerned about, since he is extremely sociable


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you got a really good thing here. Have you talked about your feelings and expectations?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Then I believe it is totally worthy for you to do your best to get to reconnect with her, as long as you still feel the affection you developed before.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The initial plan was about you leaving and that being the core issue overwhelming you leading to the breakup but using the justification she created, right?

Customer :

I feel that my leaving would have been more of a painful experience that she was looking to avoid, even if it meant causing a smaller amount of pain earlier on

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, then it makes perfect sense, and the fact that you were lucky enough for neither of you have found another person to better fulfill your longings makes of it a second chance for your relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The scenario looks very good. Now everything should be about being very assertive, not initiating neither engaging in any form of dysfunctional behavior like you did a year ago when not knowing how to handle the pain from separation.

Customer :

Okay, but what action should I take? Ignore her so she has to give me the attention?


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No, I would never recommend you to ignore her, that would be unhealthy and perpetuate past destructive avoidant approach.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

My suggestion is for you to truly learn and grow from past mistake and be assertive this time in order to promote something healthy and fulfilling and not something weak that would vanish with any other new challenge you would face.

Customer :

I'm sorry, but this is the exact same thing I've already been told. Man-up and be assertive. Thank you for your time, however, I'd like my money back


 

Customer :

Honestly, I was hoping there would be some other way that involved not getting back into that relationship, but forming a new one. What you have said to me is what everyone else I have asked said also. Just repair the current one. I'm sorry, but it seems I have wasted your time, and you mine


 

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you do not want this person back in your life, then obviously you do not even need to waste your time thinking about it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I though you were asking for support on how to rebuild communication and relationship with the person you loved and cared about.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I have not received any amount from you. I have been honest and professional providing support you request. I am sorry that you disregard what is assertive. Sorry but I could only be professional here, I do not tell people what they want to hear in order to get them happy since that does never help, an dis a very distorted and codependent approach.

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