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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1373
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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for Dr. Paige only, hello Dr. Paige I am the 31yo who pursuits

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for Dr. Paige only,

hello Dr. Paige I am the 31yo who pursuits that girl..

yesterday night we had a long conversation via internet-chat that lasted hours. It was great, full of emotions and revelations. At the beginning we would talk about casual things but afterwards she told me some more "important" information. I will tell you the botXXXXX XXXXXnes..

She has a relationship in another country, Denmark. She wanted to leave Greece from when she was a kid, probably because her mother often told her to not depend on other people, especially men, and to learn to be autonomous - and thats what such countries represent: autonomy, independence, but maybe also "every man for himself", considering i.e. that most women raise their children without husbands. Anyway, she won't be seeing that relationship for a long time - she has one year of study here at Greece at this point.

Secondly, she told me that she felt she wanted to take a "time-out" from that relationship to see things clearly. That is strange for a woman to want to "fall back" from the feelings that she has about someone, I believe it is her masculine side that wanted to draw back from him. i suspect that he is the sensitive type of man with a reinforced feminine side. I read in a book (mr.XXXXX XXXXX's) that when such a girl chooses such a man, she finds in him the feminine side of her in the beginning, but in the end she starts controlling him and she looses attraction because her masculine side tells her that the feminine side is weak. I know that I can empower the feminine side of that girl, and i know how to do it, and I love it - it happens whenever we communicate. So, she took a time-out, she drew back, and she felt feelings again for him. At the same time, she didnt "brag" about those feelings. Being who she is, she is a little focused on what she thinks is the truth, thinking not the alternatives.

Thirdly, that man, 26yo, has a son. He made him when he was younger with his girlfriend, and his girlfriend didnt want him anymore so she decided to raise the boy by herself. We talked about that and I told her about my objections boldly. I felt that the same thing or something close to that will happen with their relationship too. Knowing from my own years of trying to change myself, focusing solely on that, and experiencing how hard that is, I told her that I believe that no matter what experiences one has, it is almost certain that at the same situations he will do the same things. They didn't even ask an advisor when they decided to live apart and for her to raise the baby!

I can see that these all are my point of viewing this situation ofcourse. I also want you to know that I will not do something unethical. I want to pursuit her but only if she wants that too and if she will want that too, and we will have a relationship only if we both break up from our current relationships. Well ofcourse what I already do is unethical - this whole story made me do things I would never imagine I would do. There is no war without casualties, and the casualties are inside me. Yet I am determined to go to the end the best way I can, with patiente (or not when I can't) and in a way that I will understand many things about myself and the others. There is a possibility that we can be soul-mates or smth close to that, and I must fight for that.

Here are my questions for you: (they are four. i would be glad to rate every answer seperately if that is feasible)

1)Would you be able to analyse the situation from what I tell you and help me see things even more clear than I do now, understanding the dynamics of this?

2)What is the best way for me to "move"? Should I stay in frequent touch with her? Should I let her be for sometime? Should I do both of the previous depending on how I feel every time?

3)She told me on our last date "I don't know whether if I want to stay with an o.k. relationship, and feel safe that if that fails there will be my soulmate somewhereout there, or be with my soulmate:if that then fails, what will be left for me then??" could you comment that for me?

4)When things happened in the past, she drew her erotic feelings about her at a corner because she wanted to protect herself from the fact that she felt really bad because we couldnt have a relationship then. How can I help her remember those feelings, and how strong and promising they were for us?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. You have a decent view on all of this. Some of your observations about women raising kids on their own is a little different than I am used to here in America and formerly from the UK. At least in America and in my experiences, most women raise kids without husbands because the husbands leave and are not interested in raising a child. It is rarely a woman's choice. In fact, many women stay with men that they shouldn't because they just want any man, even if he is abusive to her or her children.
In any case, to answer your questions..

1) This will cover some of your other questions as well, but she is being cautious and independent as you have already noticed by how she was raised. She probably feels like she let her guard down for a bit and decided it was a mistake because she got hurt and it didn't turn out the way she wanted. Lesson learned, move on. Don't let that wall down much in the future. Unfortunately, time and patience is the key here as I'm sure you have already figured out!

2)This one can be tricky because days and moods change all the time. You have to use your gut feelings on this one. I would try to dig a little for her feelings when you can to keep your point of view right in front of her. Make sure she always knows how you feel about her.

3) Insecurity. That's it. It is human nature to be comforted and loved. She has to realize there is risk in everything in life and you have to go with your feelings. I think she can seem strong, but everyone has weakness and facing her true feelings and getting her head connected with her heart can be a struggle for her. She may be looking for reassurance from you when she says things like that.

4)She has never forgotten anything about that time in her life, I guarantee. Some of it may be insecurity and a fear of risk. When you are in one of your conversations with her and the moment is right, you can just bring it up. Remember when we......and we both felt.....? What can we do to get there again?

You are doing fine. You have the patience and a goal in mind and you are going about it in the proper way.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1373
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Thank you sooo much for your every enlightening answer. I am glad that we communicate. I wish you my best.

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