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DrFee
DrFee, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 437
Experience:  20+ years of counseling experience, Wife & Mother
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as condensed as possible: I met a guy (well call him c) 4

Resolved Question:

as condensed as possible:
I met a guy (we'll call him c) 4 years ago, he liked me and was nice to me but I'd only have sex with him, I always turned him down when he wanted to go out so he stopped coming around. About a month ago I saw him again and we ended up sleeping together, I tried to remember why I didn't like him before and realized it was because I was dealing w the end of a painful unrequited love w one of my best friends. A few days after seeing C I texted him saying that I was sorry I used to be so mean to him, it wasn't his fault and explained the situation. He thanked me and said that he was afraid of going back down the same road we were before because he gets attached and doesn't want just sex. We both agreed it would be nice to get to know each other better, but it doesn't have to start out super serious. I am definitely initiating all the conversations at this point though. A few days later he springs it on me that he just made up his mind to move across the country. I told him that bums me out and it's typical that I would like him now and he is going to move. He thinks I'm joking. We see each other again, have a really fun date and we have sex. After it's over he says he thinks I'm messing with his head, he just made up his mind to move and he doesn't want to like me and miss me or get involved in something that won't work out- he needs to be celibate! We talk about it and I agree to give him some space to think about it. After a week we talk again and he says he's ok with us talking and hanging out but he doesn't want to "get involved right now." I say ok to that and suggest we talk a little more about it later, he says he has time later in the week. A few days later I text him to ask if he's busy that night and he is, so I reply, "Ok. I really would like us to be friends, I can respect your boundaries. It needs to feel reciprocal though. So I'll let you tell me if you want to see me again." He never responded. It's been about a week and I haven't contacted him but I'm really sad. I really started to like him and want us to get to know each other better, even as friends. I'm wondering- does he like me and is just freaked out by the whole thing because of the bad timing? Or is he playing a game and trying to get even with me or flip the script because of how I acted before? Did I take the right course of action?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrFee replied 1 year ago.

DrFee :

Hello! Please remember that my responses are informational only, we are not establishing a therapeutic relationship.


 

DrFee :

This may seem like a silly question, but are you sure he received your last text?


 

DrFee :

Having sex before the relationship is serious can really complicate things --no matter what happens with this guy, it's good to consider next time around.


 

DrFee :

It sounds like the sex confused him --he's thinking about moving, has a good time with you, then the sex happens and it confuses him. Usually, that happens for the woman. Women tend to "bond" more with sex, more then men do, because there's a bonding hormone that's released for women during sex --that's not true for guys.


 

DrFee :

My guess is --he's confused and trying to figure it out.


 

DrFee :

I can understand that you feel sad. Nothing you described sounds like a game on his part (although I could be wrong, I can only go by your description).


 

DrFee :

So, the reason I asked if you're sure he got your text --it would be sad if he didn't and thinks you didn't say anything!


That's one reason I don't like discussing serious issues over text!


 

DrFee :

If he got it, then you shouldn't do anything more. If he didn't he needs to know what it is you said!!!


 

Customer:

He's an emotional guy, and he describes feeling bonded after sex. I know that's usually with women. He also told me about a girl he dated after me that sounded great but he said he wasn't into. I suggested that maybe he just doesn't like people who like him and he said he's been told that

Customer:

When we where talking the first time after not seeing each other for a long time I told him that I tend to fall for the unavailable

Customer:

and I'm trying to change that behavior

DrFee :

Then he has some issues --he felt bonded with you but then has difficulty because you like him? That's a big problem!


 

Customer:

He may think that is the only reason I'm interested

DrFee :

Oh--maybe you need to clarify with him then!!!


 

DrFee :

What do you think about calling him and asking to get together to talk this out?


 

Customer:

I did clarify in an email which he thanked me for

Customer:

he said he isn't mad at me just frustrated

Customer:

His birthday is XXXXX a few days so I was thinking I would call him then

DrFee :

That sounds like a good idea. What exactly is he frustrated about?


 

Customer:

I guess he's frustrated because he doesn't want to like me

Customer:

that's what it seems like to me

Customer:

the thing is I'm not trying to bombard him or look desperate but I'm ready for something real

Customer:

and if he was the guy for me I would totally move

Customer:

I even said that in the email

DrFee :

It sounds like you've done what you can, and he has to address his own issues.


 


 

Customer:

I'm upset because I feel like I've been trying to be mature and honest and it's backfiring

Customer:

now I have to play this game like- oh you're ignoring me? I'll ignore you

DrFee :

It would be great if he would go into therapy!


 

Customer:

I'm sure he has some issues- adult orphan no siblings, was engaged and it ended I don't know why

Customer:

He's a comedy writer- supposedly they're very insecure

Customer:

comedians in general

DrFee :

Yes, I've heard that too...they hide behind the comedy....


 

DrFee :

You're in a difficult spot. Patience might be a good thing here.


 

Customer:

that's what I'm trying to do. Usually as soon as you stop thinking about them they call you

Customer:

so I'm trying to stop thinking about him but it's impossible right now

Customer:

I've been going on other dates to keep myself occupied

DrFee :

Yes --and keeping busy with other things might be a good idea too.


 

Customer:

It's pulled up a lot of mess for me though in other ways

Customer:

I feel angry at myself about that old relationship with my friend

Customer:

I passed up so many guys for him

Customer:

I was so in love with that idiot that I moved across the country to get away from him just so I could move on

Customer:

and even that didn't work

Customer:

are you there?

DrFee :

I'm guessing that you made the best decision that you could at the time that you made it. I think even a bad decision is better than "no" decision or being passive. As painful as it might be, the important thing is what you've learned and where you go from here.

DrFee :

It takes some guts to move across country --you were willing to take a risk.


 

DrFee :

In order to be able to move on!


 

DrFee :
Customer:

well I was already miserable

Customer:

there was only up in my mind

Customer:

:)

DrFee :

Yes, that makes sense.


 


 

Customer:

So I will call C on his birthday

Customer:

Hopefully he will answer

DrFee :

So --what do you think is the best decision for you right now?


 

DrFee :

Yes, I think calling on his birthday is XXXXX


 

Customer:

I guess I will wait til Tuesday and call him.

DrFee :

Yes.


 

DrFee :

And, how he responds will give you a futher clue as to where he's at right now.


 

Customer:

He always replies to me, even if not right away

Customer:

that's why him not responding upset me

DrFee :

Well, like I said, with technology, one always has to consider the possibility that he didn't get it!


 

Customer:

My brother said he is just "trying to be nice and let me down easy"

DrFee :

How is ignoring you letting you down easy?


 

Customer:

i know

DrFee :

I think his response to your call on his birthday will be telling ---


 

Customer:

Ok

Customer:

I guess that's all I can do.

Customer:

I just hope it's not one of those, "let's be friends" situations that just means "leave me alone I don't like you"

DrFee :

Yes, I hope so too.


 

DrFee, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 437
Experience: 20+ years of counseling experience, Wife & Mother
DrFee and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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