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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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A little backgrounder... I was abandoned by someone that I

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A little backgrounder... I was abandoned by someone that I was in a long (14 year) relationship with and was hurt profoundly by that. I have been to counselling, read countless books, websites, support groups and have spent a lot of time getting myself back in order mentally and physically (being on my own for months and months - not dating, then casually dating, etc.). Recently I started dating and now have moved into a comitted relationship with someone who I really like and enjoy. Its been a few weeks since we have been 'official', and I find that I have been having a lot of anxiety surrounding whether or not she is losing interest or is backing off from the relationship. I have *not* been clingy, needy or smothering - I do have my own activities, and we see each other a few nights a week, and saturdays together etc. which is good. I find that my anxiety continues to increase as I am the one to always initiate contact, and though she responds enthusiastically, I find that I am making a lot of the effort in moving things forward. She was often enthusiastic about stealing moments out of our day for a kiss and to enjoy each other's company but the last few suggestions have been panned. She did recently lose her job and is busy trying to line up her prospects, of course I respect that, but curious to get an opinion as to whether this is just a situation where she is preoccupied with her situation, or if she really is backing off and starting to withdraw. I also worry that any false move can cause disaster - again probably very likely from my peast experience it makes this situation a bit more stressful. What should I do? Back off? Not initiate contact as much and I've been meaning to approach the topic of how she feels things are between us - (she's never really mentioned anything except 1-2 times where she did sincerely XXXXX XXXXX things about how she was feeling but that was over 2 weeks ago now).... I'm just confused. I don't know how much of this is expected in an early committed relationship since I've been out of the dating/boyfriend mode for so long... am I going nuts? Do I just take a deep breath or are these signs red flags?
This is a new relationship and you are having anxiety because this is all new too you. When a relationship progresses it gets easier because you begin to get comfortable with each other, understand each other more, so it takes a lot of the guessing out of how someone feels. Right now you need to guess how she feels, You want this relationship to be more open in the sense of her telling you how she feels about you. I don't feel she is beacking off in anyway, I just feel this is new and you are looking to get to that pount in the relationship where it is more comfortable. You really like her so you are getting woried that she is not going to stay. But you need to enjoy each other and get to know each other without worrying. Loving someone is a new and exciting thing for you both. So you need to just fall in love and enjoy each other. She doesn't want to open up fully and tell you all her feelings. You need to let her take her time, she might not want to come on to strong. I want you to also be yourself do not think by calling her that you are being needy, I'm sure she would love to hear from you. You want to call ask how her day is, this will let her know that you are their and that you are interested in sharing your live with her. She also is wondering how you feel as well.
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