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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hi, I am having some serious trouble in my marriage

Customer Question

Hi, I am having some serious trouble in my marriage and I was looking to get some feedback. I am a 30y/o stay at home new mom of a 6 month old daughter. My husband is the one who works and is 34. We have been together for 7 years, married 3. We were insanely in love with each other. I always take care of him. I do all the bills, cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc, etc. You name it, I do it. My husband helps from time to time but in his attempts it seems seems half way done, not done nearly close to what is expected or even plays dumb (which he has confessed he's done in the past) so I will talk over and do it for him. We're talking chores here. Just general help around the house/finances. My husband has run our family into serious debt in the past for not paying bills, so I took over that. He claims he can't cook, so I took over that. Can't do laundry as good as I do, I took over that. You get the trend here. He even involves my family with our endeavors knowing very well I don't ever want them involved. Time and time again I tell him to stop, he says he's sorry and in a matter of time, it happens again. Can you sense my frustration? Now, as soon as my daughter was born and I became a SAHM I expected him to help me a little since I was recovering from birth and breastfeeding. None. I begged him for help simply to do something easy as dishes. He would do one load and claimed he did everything. Yet a mountain of dishes would be in the sink. Guess who ended up doing them, me. I told him that now that we're a family of 3 people, 3 dogs a cat and fish he needs to be a contributing member of this household. I understand he works but I do to and after my baby is asleep I go onto job #2,3,4,5,6 while he rests. Speaking of after the baby goes to sleep, I make dinner while he plays on his iPad. Once we eat, MAYBE, he'll put some dishes in the dishwasher and whatever left....I have to do in the morning. He goes back to his iPad and we barely speak the rest of the night. We tried sorting out chores. I asked him to do 3 jobs. Take out dogs, do dishes since I cook, take out trash. I always have to remind him though I have 34 jobs and they are always done. When he does do the 3 jobs we agreed on (which is not even half the time as he "forgets")he expects me to praise him. Yet I get nothing for my work. I am lucky if I can even squeeze in a shower every 2-3 days because he needs a shower, he needs this, he needs that. I am getting to the point where I am feeling resentful. My daughters birth was really hard on my body plus just being overwhelmed of being a new parent. The man I called my soulmate I feel watched me drown and half-assed anything I ever asked him to do. He has even told me I'm better with our child than he is so he does not have to spend as much time with her. The only 3 times I have been away from my child since January, he calls me to hurry on home so I can take over caring for her and he can go back to doing something else. Even if I am showering and getting ready he always comes in the bathroom holding her looking at me as if saying "hurry up!" so he does not have to hold her. My husband is as sweet as the days are long and adores me, I know this. But this to me seems out of control and I can't raise a daughter AND a husband. I don't want our daughter thinking I am only on this earth to clean up after everyone and feel used. I have tried many approaches to tell him why I get upset but he now claims I am nitpicking him because I want him to put a dish in the dishwasher after spending all this time making him a meal. I was looking to get a counselors advice on what to do. I am getting to the point where I just feel used, feel like it's all about him and his needs. Am I expecting too much by asking someone to contribute basic help around the house when we have full family and life?

He says he understands and he's ALWAYS sorry but nothing ever improves.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

You paint picture of your husband as a very lazy and self-centered person who does not have the sense to understand that you are overwhelmed and that your marriage is beginning to come apart.

Saying that you are sorry is not the same as being sorry and doing something about it. Your husband is selfish and very immature, and does not seem to be very involved with you or your daughter.

He probably does not realize that he is contributing to the breakdown of your marriage, and is driving you to physical and emotional exhaustion.

You have talked with him about this, and fought with him about this, but he still doesn't get it. He doesn't realize that you are about at the end of your patience, or he is so much in denial about it that he doesn't seem to care, and believes that he can contiue this way indefinitely.

I strongly urge you to find a competent and experienced marriage and family therapist since you two cannot seem to communicate effectively one-on-one. A good place to search for one is to go to www.psychologytoday.com, then click FIND A THERAPIST, and then enter you state and city, and look at the entries, which usually contain a photo and credentials, background, and philosophies or approaches.

If he refuses to do this, then you may want to consider telling him that you will file for divorce if he doesn't try to fix this situation. If he calls your bluff then you will have to make a choice: continue as before, or go ahead and get the best settlement you can .

Hopefully, he cares enough and will go the therapist with you and make changes that are more than just lip service and empty promises.

You physical and emotional health is at stake, and your marriage is not working out, despite how much you love each other. You must be pro-active and move forward.

I wish you great success.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much!! Everything you have written I have told my husband at one time or another. It's comforting to know I am on the best page and doing whats right. Thank you for the reassurance and kindness!!
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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