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Ask Dr. Paige Your Own Question

Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hi, Ive had recently been dating a lady for about 8 weeks,

Customer Question

Hi, Ive had recently been dating a lady for about 8 weeks, who also happens to be my neighbour. It seemed to be going reasonably fine despite her blowing hot and cold we always managed to get together and enjoy dates and time spent with her daughter who is 11 (she and I get on great). Recently I have decided to completely step away as she become suddenly very cold towards me once again. I understand through conversation she has a poor relationship with her mother of whom she is always falling out with and will often not see or speak to for weeks, also this can happen with her brother too. She mentioned that she still missess her father dearly who died 8 years ago. She has mostly work friends in her social circle and very few outside of this. As for me, she sees me and my family as a happy family and I seem to have plenty of friends outside of my job too. We both have past marriages and it seems although she finished hers, she has a lot of bitterness towards her ex. As for me although I don't particularly like mine either I don't tend to let it bother me.
When we get together it feels great and we have a great time and when its cold its non existant. Recently before I stopped contact it was me who was increasingly making contact and not getting the same nice responses in the fast time that she used to reply. I asked her if I did or done anything wrong - her reply was that no man has ever treated her better, but she has these problems as mentioned earlier. When i asked if she would like me to step completely away she seemed to dodge the question in a clever way without giving an answer.
I still like her and would like to give it a try any suggestions on how and when to try and initiate contact or should i let her come to me first?
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 4 years ago.
Hello. The best answer here is for you to come forward with all of these truths to her. With her past, and whatever emotional attachments or detachments she has towards men and other people, she has to realize that she is mostly the cause of the rifts in her life, which she may not have any clue about. She may not have an understanding how her attitude and hot and cold is effecting those around her.
That being said, understand that women and men are completely different when it comes to many things, especially communication. Women tend to expect men to know what is wrong because to women, it is "so obvious" that it is frustrating when their partner is oblivious to any issues at all. I'm not certain this is the problem going on in your situation because you describe that she answers positively when you ask her if you did anything wrong. Just keep in mind that while you think things are going very well, there may be something huge and obvious to her that is going on. I'm not saying if it is legitimate or not, just something to keep in mind about how women work.
At this point, if you really like her and want to try to work through this, I would basically explain to her everything that you did here. Tell her how you feel about her, but her mood swings are effecting you a lot more than what she realizes and that you aren't sure how long you can deal with them when it comes to seeing a future with her. If you feel like you want some space at this time, I would express that to her as well. After you tell her how you feel, walk away for a bit. Tell her that this is what you are doing any why. Tell her you want her to also think about how she feels about you and the relationship and take this time to decide if she wants to continue with you and try and manage the mood problems she is experiencing. Just be honest and straight forward with her.

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