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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Im 48 and have been married for 22 years, faithful and heterosexual

Customer Question

I'm 48 and have been married for 22 years, faithful and heterosexual all my life. About a year ago I met another woman through my sport who I felt strangely drawn to. Over time I realised I was attracted to her and she told me she was bisexual. Two weeks ago she suggested we become friends with benefits and we arranged a "play date". Last week we were together all week with the team at a competition so obviously we chatted but didn't get any chance to be intimate. During the week we both had our upsets due to coach squad decisions. I was particularly hurt because she just shut me out and wouldn't talk to me when she was upset. At the end of the week I asked to talk to her before we wnet home but she refused and now won't answer my texts or messages. What should I do? I can't concentrate at work and feel really upset.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

It seems that your new friend is having second thoughts about you. It is quite possible that she has fallen for you and does not know how to deal with the possible complications, and so has backed off.

Perhaps it is because she senses that you have fallen for her and she was more interested in a casual hookup than anything too serious.

It does seem, by your inability to concentrate at work, and by your emotional distress, that you are smitten by her.

You cannot control your feelings or desires, so you will just have to wait this out. You are experiencing anxiety. If you absolutely cannot function then you might need some anxiety medication if deep breathing and will-power are not enough to ease your distress.

National Health doctors may not be willing to give you the medication that would bring relief (alprazolam/Xanax; diazepam/Valium, or; lorazepam/Ativan). Any of those used in moderation,and only as needed, would help you. They are all benzodiazepines. They can be used as needed and thus you will not get addicted if you use them in moderation.

If you doctor suggests an SSRI/selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (as they often do) such as fluoxetine/Prozac, sertraline/Zoloft, or paroxetine/Paxil or many others, I suggest that you don't start taking them as you will have to continue. They may give you sexual side effects (lose desire), may cause weight gain, give other side effects, and then you wil have trouble getting off of them. They take several weeks to start working, may not help anxiety, and cannot be taken as needed.

Give this relationship time to re-continue or fade out. It seems that it is your friend's call, and not yours. This is a time of change for you in your self-realisation, and you must learn to accept who you are. I understand that at age 48 it seems strange to feel that adolescent angst. Please understand that those feelings can happen to anyone at any age.

I wish you a positive resolution to your situation.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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