My husband and I have been married for 5 years, we have 2 kids together. He has a very hard time showing me any kind of affection and doesn’t’ believe in romance. If I tell him I want romance, he tells me I married the wrong guy. When we first started dating, he couldn’t keep his hands off of me. Once we were married, I basically had to make appointments to have sex. I know exactly when our two children were conceived because I had to. If I tell him I want sex, he makes excuses or gets drunk and passes out. The only time we have sex, and I mean the only times is when I initiate it. I have come a long way in doing so, but I feel that he doesn’t try at all. I am 31 and he is 37. When we are around people, he will talk sexually and act as if I don’t “give it” to him, but it’s not the case. He is all talk. One time, I was naked in a hot tub and he was watching TV. Didn’t even notice what I was doing until I said something and once I did, he said, sorry the race is on. Is my husband gay? He says he loves me and doesn’t know how to show me. I give him examples, when he does something I like or that is sweet, I will tell him that is what I mean. I praise him for it. I let him go out with his friends, I leave little love notes for him places, I try talking with him, I try threatening him, I have tried to take up golf (which I hate) just so I can spend some time with him. Nothing is working. I am on the verge of leaving. But I don’t know if I am overreacting or what. I feel I deserve the attention and affection I want and need. I get hit on all the time, I recently have been contacted by an ex of mine and he tells me everything I want to hear. I find myself looking for someone else to give me what my husband won’t. And I mean, won’t. I have written letters, cried, talked to him, spelled it out for him, bought sexy lingerie, I hug him, kiss him, basically throw myself at him. Still nothing, treats me as a friend. We plan sex nights (our kids are 1 and 3), if I want it planned, he either falls asleep or makes excuses. What do I do?
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX X'd like to help you out. I'm terribly sorry to hear about what you're going through with your husband. A healthy sex life is an important part of almost every healthy relationship, so it doesn't sound like you are overreacting. Despite the fact that your husband may not be the romantic type, it does seem like things have drastically changed since the beginning of your relationship. I assume he wasn't he romantic type then, but things were still ok. Most likely this doesn't have anything to do with your husband being gay if he couldn't keep his hands off of you in the beginning of the relationship, but something has obviously changed that is causing these problems and you have every right to be concerned.It sounds like you have made many attempts to try and explain your unhappiness to him. Unfortunately if he is in denial or is content to continue to avoid this issue, there may not be much you can do until he is ready to make some changes himself. There are a lot of things that could explain his reluctance that don't have anything to do with you, including stress, anxiety, problems with self esteem, etc. However, regardless of what the source of the issue is, the most important part of him getting past it, is acknowledging that it is a problem in the first place and taking some action. If he is willing to go to couple's counseling, that would be the ideal way to address a problems like this, especially if you are on the verge of leaving. It sounds like you have spent a considerable amount of time trying to address this problem with him on your own, but it does take both people working together in order to fix a problems like this. If he won't, that may not leave you with many options other than to accept this for what it is, or consider other options. If he is at least willing to admit that things have changed and is willing to start exploring solutions, that would be some indication that there is hope of things returning to the way they used to be.I definitely wish you the best in getting through all of this. If there's anything else I can do to help just let me know.Ryan