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Santo B
Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 83
Experience:  Clinical Social Work
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my wife has been telling me for monthe that if i dont sort

Customer Question

my wife has been telling me for monthe that if i dont sort myself out and pay her attention she will distance herself from me.
i have been neglecting her
how do i get her back
she says she wants to seperate
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Santo B replied 2 years ago.

Santo B :

My name is XXXXX XXXXX I hold a Clinical Master's Degree in Social Work with a focus on Adult Mental Health. I currently provide general Life Coaching.

Santo B :

Please give me a moment to read your question

Customer:

Hi Santo,

Santo B :

Hello

Santo B :

I read your question. At what point of the separation process are you at? Did you or her move out of the home, or she is telling you that it is inevitable

Customer:

I have been neglecting my wife for several months and i want us to get it together

Santo B :

Is there a reason you have been neglecting her

Customer:

i moved into the other room

Customer:

i have been lazy

Santo B :

How recent was the move to the other room

Customer:

4 days ago

Santo B :

Since you moved to the other room, has there been any discussion regarding where the relationship is going

Customer:

yes seperation from her view

Customer:

she wants me to move out

Santo B :

Did she give you any indication on how you may be able to remedy the relationship other than her moving out?

Customer:

she has made the decision and wont talk about remedies

Santo B :

Ok. I think you should ask her if it would be ok if you and her could talk about this further. I realize that you have not been attentive to her, but lately many people have become distracted due to so many issues that we face on a daily basis. I would tell her that you value your marriage and relationship with her, and that if you and her were to separate that it should be a decision that you make together.

Santo B :

If you can come to some sort of agreement that you are willing to work hard to be more attentive to her needs, would she be willing to give you another chance.

Customer:

i have been married 20 years and have four children youngest 5

Customer:

she says its happened before and she is over it

Customer:

she says she doesnt want to push me to wake up again

Santo B :

Well, has it happened before? Do you believe that your neglect has contributed to the end of your marriage? Were you aware that you were being neglectful.

Customer:

yes i am fully aware of that

Customer:

she is a very energetic person school teacher and drama

Customer:

likes to go out a lot and hates domestic chores

Santo B :

Have you done anything to make changes? Other than being lazy, is there anything that has contributed to you not being attentive?

Customer:

she says i have been too comfortable and neglectful

Customer:

yes i have gone out a few times with work people and not answered my phone or told her iwould be late

Santo B :

Have you admitted to the fact that you have been neglectful, that you are sorry, and you are willing to do what's needed to be a more attentive husband and father

Customer:

no

Customer:

neglectful yes

Santo B :

That might be a good start. If you are able to admit it to me, then maybe it would be helpful to talk to her about it

Customer:

ok

Santo B :

Do you truly want this to work out?

Customer:

she convinced me that she is doing me a favour

Customer:

i dont know how to express myself as it would be a desperate ple

Customer:

plea

Santo B :

a favor? By leaving you?

Customer:

yes

Santo B :

have you considered couples counseling or therapy?

Santo B :

has it always been hard for you to express yourself

Customer:

i havent talked to her about it

Santo B :

That would be a good start. Be honest with her. She is your wife. Relationships are built on many things, but trust is extremely important. Maybe if she knew that you had difficulty with expressing yourself, and it has always been a struggle she might be more inclined to talk to you about the things you can do to remedy the problem

Santo B :

I find that men tend to have difficulty expressing their feelings, especially if they were raised in an environment that sharing your feelings was frowned upon

Customer:

she has a strong character and i tend to just go with what she suggests

Customer:

one of 3 boys

Santo B :

I think it might be time for you to take the reins and let her know whats going on with you, how you truly feel, and how its been difficult to express your feelings, needs, and concerns

Santo B :

it won't be easy, and you might want to suggest some sort of counseling, but I think that you need to be more assertive in terms of telling that you realize the wrongs that you have done

Customer:

i feel like my head is going to explode

Santo B :

Well, share that with her. That is why she is there, to help you.

Santo B :

Although you are telling me, and I am providing you with feedback, it is her that you need to talk to and let her know that you are still wanting to be with her and want to work on the relationship with her

Customer:

yes i have been submissive

Santo B :

so, do you think you will be able to talk to her

Customer:

i will probably need to type out this conversation so i can see it through

Customer:

i will probably need to print out this conversation so i can see it throu

Santo B :

Ok. That is fine with me

Customer:

i dont want to appear weak and needy

Santo B :

I am not sure how you would do that, but if you have trouble I think you could ask for help. You don't have to appear week. Just show her you are strong enough as a man, a husband and a father to admit when you are wrong

Customer:

thanks

Santo B :

Please know that you can always come back and ask for feedback, suggestions, and voice concerns

Customer:

is there anything else

Customer:

Thanks,

Customer:

Bye

Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 83
Experience: Clinical Social Work
Santo B and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Santo B replied 2 years ago.
I am just checking in with you to see if any of the suggestions we spoke about worked. Please don't hesitate to contact me with any questions or concerns you may have.

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Santo B
Santo B
83 Satisfied Customers
Clinical Social Work