my boyfriend of 17 years broke up a week ago,..not are first break up,..he moved back in with his mother and has no time for me,..I told him I rather be alone,.and he said that I had to quit leaving mad messages on his phone, and that he couldn't take it anymore,..I got hurt real bad last night, and whent to hospital,.a friend from my apt. called him tonight to tell him how bad I was hurt,..and he said I can't take her anymore,..is this the end of 17 years ,..or give him time to come around?? last year he was dianosed with social pathic manic depresson w/ sitsoide teni
Hi! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.
I'm not sure what his diagnosis is: did you mean to write sociopathic? I certainly hope not. If so, please Google "sociopath" and/or "antisocial personality disorder" and read how scary such people can be.
You wrote manic depressive. That's Bipolar Disorder (BD). I couldn't make out the next two words. Did you mean suicidal tendencies? Or something else.
BD is a mood disorder that means that he has mood swings. Most people who live with BD sufferers who are not very stable after a while get exhausted from the up and down of being with the BD sufferer. Is this your experience?
If so, why do you want to get back together with him?
Have you ever had any mental health issues yourself?
Are you getting any treatment right now? If so, what type? How is it going?
If not, when was the last treatment? What type of treatment was it? Was it helpful?
Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.
I may be logged off for the night before you reply, but go ahead and reply to these questions and I’ll answer as soon as I log on tomorrow. Okay?
yes he is soicopath , when he's in a good mood he is the best guy, but I can't take anymore rejection, I have ocd, and I'm a hopless romantic, wile he cannot show any amotion, I've read the syptems of his behavor on line, 17 years is a long time, he just don;t have time for me, evryone else comes first, he will be nice for a wile, then quits answering his phone ,like he just don't care,. the ups and downs are terrible, for years he said it was all me, his family hates me, when all I've been is nice to them, they also stole from me and he didn't do a thing about it, he has skitsoide tenn, also, the last time I went on and met someone else, he came back and said all the things I wanted to here, and then he was seing somone too, I said yes to getting back together and he keeped her around , he said it was to get back at me,.. he finnaly let her go after the girl and I got into a fight , It's hard to let go. but in way I would love to find true love, or mabey try to get him to act better, I just don't know anymore.. when hes good hes great, I just don'y know what he ment by his statement tonight about, I can't take her anymore,..I just don;t know what to think.. thanks
Thank you for the added information. It helps a lot. I believe I can now be of help with this issue.
First, let me say I can imagine how frustrating this situation must be for you. Why do I say frustrating?
Because for 17 years you've tried and tried and tried to get him to give you genuine love; or at least genuine affection; or even genuine caring. And 17 years later you see that it's still not there. Why not? How can that be? Is there something wrong with you?
And the answer is no, there is nothing wrong with you. It's that there is something missing in him. That's the definition of being a sociopath: he doesn't have that capacity to love, to have genuine affection, to care about anyone or anything other than himself. And so for 17 years you've been trying to get him to do something he doesn't have the equipment to do. It's like trying to make a car fly. You can try this knob, that pedal, anything you want but you're not going to make it happen.
It's time for you to realize that you've been assuming he's "normal" with some mental health problems. But that's not the situation. He doesn't have the hardware to love, to care for you, and to have affection for you. It's time for you to start looking for the real Mr. Right.
Now for your life. Why do I say your life? Because you are not going to find Mr. Right by just looking for "a guy". You've got to treat finding Mr. Right as part of living YOUR life. You are clearly a woman with values. You are not looking simply for sexual gratification. You are looking for a human being who wants to share his life with you and who values who you are.
That's why we're going to focus on goals, strategies, and plans. I want you to take a sheet of paper or on the computer if you prefer and on that paper write your Healthy Relationship Goals. Examples: make 3 close friends in the next 3 months; or go on dates with interesting men at least 4 times in the next 3 months, etc. So you see they don't need to even be goals for just relationships with men, but can be social relationships. Because the more social you are, the more you build your ability to express yourself socially instead of just career wise, the more you will feel comfortable expressing yourself to Mr. Right on a date. You need to feel comfortable sharing your inner self with other people on lots of different levels: acquaintances, friends, confidantes, and dates.
Next, I need you to take another sheet or underneath the goals in the same sheet write Strategies for my Healthy Relationship Goals. For each of the Goals, I want you to write strategies. For example, if your goal is to go out 4 times in 3 months, strategies might be: I want to identify the type of interests men you'd be interested in would have. Then I want to ask yourself where would they go to fulfill those interests. For example, if an interesting man needs to be someone who is into fitness, then he would be a member of a fitness club. If he needs to like art, then he would be a member of the Art Museum and go to gallery openings. If he needs to be spiritually oriented, then he might need to be attending church or a meditation class.
Then, you need to write on a separate piece of paper or underneath each Goal and Strategy: Plans for how to succeed with your strategies. So to continue the example above, you might write: my plan is to go to the 6 most popular fitness studios and check them out to see what their membership looks like and what kind of activities are there. Or for art, I plan to join the Art Museum and to go to an art opening at a gallery at least twice per month and maybe 3 times. Or if you are interested in religion, checking out 3 congregations for active ones that have social events.
These are examples of strategies and plans. I'm trying to focus you on your life interests. What do you want to do to further your having a meaningful life? Remember, Mr. Right needs to fit into what's meaningful to you, so look for him in activities that bring out what's meaningful in your life.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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