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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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ex or boyfriend? have 4 year old son, 12 years marriage, ex

Resolved Question:

ex or boyfriend? have 4 year old son, 12 years marriage, ex making my life impossible with new bf, should I just go back to ex for the sake of the son?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.

Dr Levang :

Hello,

Dr Levang :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr Levang :

It seems that you are caught in a difficult situation....ex-husband, boyfriend...and what is best for your 4 year old son. Sounds painful at best.

Dr Levang :

Staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your son may not be the best option. But...I would like to know a little more about the situation.

Dr Levang :

Tell me what is happening that has you writing that life is impossible with the new boyfriend. What is your ex doing?

Customer:

it is more difficult than you think...

Dr Levang :

I'm hear to listen and help...

Dr Levang :

Tell me what you are willing to share so that I can have a better understanding and then we can chat about what your options are..

Customer:

we separated for 1 year, he still wants me back. my bf don't want i talk to him or see him in person b/c everytime i see ex we having problems, i am thinking maybe i should stay married, my ex saying that he will make my life hell and he doing a good job

Dr Levang :

So you are living apart from your ex. Does your son live with you? Does his father have regular visits with him?

Dr Levang :

Why does your ex want to make your life a living hell? What does he do?

Dr Levang :

Why did you get separated in the first place?

Customer:

 yes, he was fighting for 50/50, i finally agreed

Dr Levang :

Okay..so you are sharing custody of your son.

Dr Levang :

But what does your ex do to make your life a living hell?

Dr Levang :

Are you living with your bf...or just dating...

Dr Levang :

Why did you separate from your husband in the first place...

Customer:

because he saying I left a family for another man, and should think about son

Dr Levang :

So he wants you to feel guilty?

Dr Levang :

Why did you leave?

Customer:

no future, he didn't like to work, no money, drinking, smoking.

Customer:

i guess so - guilty

Dr Levang :

Has any of this changed since you left...he is working? is there money? has he stopped drinking and smoking? is there a future?

Customer:

no

Dr Levang :

Then why would you want to go back to him and to the same issues?

Customer:

because of the son, noone will replace daddy, i am back and fourth between 2 of them, when i fight with one, what is wrong with me?

Dr Levang :

Your husband will always be your son's father...nothing can change that. But if living with your husband makes your life unbearable and you cannot handle the smoking, drinking, no money, no working...then how will you be a happy person and a good parent under those conditions?

Dr Levang :

The what is wrong with you sounds like you are just so confused. That you are pulled one way and then the other. Maybe neither of these men is right for you? Is that possible?

Dr Levang :

Maybe neither relationship is the healthy, loving, stable one you deserve..and your son deserves.

Customer:

i don't know, how did i live for 12 years, hope it will change, i am confused, its hard don't see your child 50% of the time

Dr Levang :

You ask a very good question...how did you live with this person for 12 years? What kept you in the marriage that long..do you know?

Dr Levang :

Yes...I think a big reason why you keep going back is for your child. Seeing him only 50% of the time is heart breaking.

Dr Levang :

But...if your only reason for going back to your husband is so that you can be a family again...you need to be sure that you can live with your husband's behavior. It drove you away once...and if nothing has changes...how long before it drives you away a 2nd time?

Customer:

my bf can't take it anymore, his email "you telling him you ended with me and he telling me you wanted to be with family and want him back. then asked him to stay the night. i can't even reconcile in my head because you make me feel like you did love me but then keep doing this - 4 times go back to him! we never had a chance bc of you back and forth with him and he finally sucked you back in.

Dr Levang :

Yes..I can understand your bf's point. Going back and forth is confusing. Obviously, you need to make a decision.

Dr Levang :

Do you love both men? Or neither?

Customer:

i don't know, they so different, age difference maybe - my ex 33, my bf 47, i am 37, my ex saying i left for money but its not the case

Dr Levang :

Okay.

Dr Levang :

Do you feel happier with one?

Dr Levang :

Do you see a future with one?

Customer:

am i a difficult client?

Dr Levang :

Do you feel more secure with one?

Dr Levang :

No you are not difficult...

Dr Levang :

It is a complicated situation. You are trying to make the best decision for your son. And..you want to be happy and secure.

Dr Levang :

If it were not for your son...your decision would be easier.

Dr Levang :

But...you have to consider his life and what he needs to grow up to be a healthy person.

Customer:

something i like in one, some-in another, y r right but how do i know what better for my son, is it healthy for him - back and forth 50/50

Customer:

i don't know what to do, so mixed up

Dr Levang :

What your son needs most is love. So if he is well loved, happy, secure...then the 50/50 will be okay. If you and your husband fight and everything is difficult and your son sees this or hears this...then that is not okay. If you feel miserable with your husband..your child will feel that negativity and it will not be good for him to see mom and dad so unhappy together.

Dr Levang :

Have you and your husband gone to couple's therapy? Have you tried to work out the differences? Is he willing to work? To stop smoking and drinking? Is there any possibility that life will get better?

Dr Levang :

If neither of you is willing to get professional help to solve the problems...then the marriage has little chance of working. You cannot solve these issues on your own. It seems that you have tried and there has been no changes.

Dr Levang :

You must decide if you can continue to live with your husband and have no changes. Or...must you leave so that you can have a better future.

Dr Levang :

While I know it is not easy, the choices are clear:

Customer:

no therapy done at this point

Dr Levang :

Go back to your husband and live the old life you had where he does not care to work, where there is no money, he drinks and smokes.

Dr Levang :

Stay with bf and try to build a new life.

Dr Levang :

End with husband and bf. Make a new life on your own.

Dr Levang :

Going to couple's therapy would give you and your husband an opportunity to see if you can repair and rebuild your marriage.

Dr Levang :

Is that something you would be willing to try?

Dr Levang :

That would certainly be another option.

Customer:

i don't know, no therapy done at this point. this is a problem i don't know what to do, why when i am with one, i think it will be better with another?

Dr Levang :

I think therapy will help you understand this.

Dr Levang :

Neither man seems to satisfy all that you want from life.

Customer:

you think i need a professional help? maybe i am crazy?

Dr Levang :

Part of the problem is that you want to be with your son 100%...and that cannot happen if you are with bf...But when you are with your husband that does not go so well and then you begin to think of how nice it is with bf.

Dr Levang :

No..you are not crazy. What you are is confused. That is very different.

Dr Levang :

But yes...you need therapy to understand what is happening and to be able to make a decision as to how to live your life and what is best for your son.

Dr Levang :

Is getting therapy possible?

Dr Levang :

If you went with your husband you could do couple's therapy. But it might be better to go by yourself and work on getting stronger and understanding your choices.

Customer:

where i should go?

Dr Levang :

You can check online for therapists in the city where you live.

Dr Levang :

If you tell me where you live and your postal code, I can check for you and give you some therapists to call.

Customer:

therapists for what, what they call?

Dr Levang :

I would help you find an individual therapist - a psychologist - I could give you a list of psychologists where you life and you could call to talk to them and set up an appointment.

Dr Levang :

Is that what you would like to do?

Customer:

kingston on

Dr Levang :

okay...give me a minute and I will look up some psychologists for you...

Dr Levang :

Dr. Waisberg

Dr Levang :

www.psychologistkingston.ca

Customer:

why my bf waiting for more stable situation and don't want to move in together, i told him it will be better if we move in together because i don't like to drive b/w 2 houses, is he right? what he is waiting for?

Customer:

only one?

Dr Levang :

I am finding more...

Dr Levang :

Her phone number is: 613/544-0789

Dr Levang :

Kaaren Christ

Dr Levang :

www.wholehearttherapy.ca

Dr Levang :

613/544-0789

Customer:

can i save all this chat? Save and Exit below?

Dr Levang :

Tracy Riley

Dr Levang :

613/532-7519

Dr Levang :

Yes...when we are done you can save and exit. You can print the chat too.

Dr Levang :

I am not sure what your bf is waiting for. Maybe he wants you to make a decision and stop going back and forth. It is hard for him when you cannot decide who you want to be with. He probably does not want to take the risk of moving together and then you leave...

Dr Levang :

I have looked at profiles of the three people I gave you. They all seem that they would be good choices to help you.

Dr Levang :

Please check their websites (Tracy did not have one that I could access) to learn more about them and then call to chat on the phone.

Dr Levang :

You can call Tracy to see if she has a website.

Dr Levang :

Is there more information I can provide you right now?

Customer:

ok thank you, XXXXX XXXXX they usually cost?

Dr Levang :

I did not look for that information. You can check on their websites.

Customer:

thanks for the chat Dr Levang!

Dr Levang :

You are very welcome!

Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Dr. L and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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