How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Paige Your Own Question

Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1369
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
15718554
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dr. Paige is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have a boyfriend.he calls me like 3 or times a week.i love

Customer Question

I have a boyfriend.he calls me like 3 or times a week.i love him so much but i dont know how best to know how much he loves me.he tells me he loves me each time he calls me but he hardly gives me things.he will promise and end up giving reasons why he cant do them.

He is a very senior staff working in same organization i work with.But he works in another branch.He stays in a town 7hrs far from me so we rarely see.i saw him last november 2011 and since them i have been trying to ensure that we meet.Each time we agree on a weekend he will come or i visit,an emergency work issue will come up for him.i understand his kind of work.he is always busy.i expected him to atleast sacrifice and see me.i have pleaded but no good result rather he will increase on calling and keep telling me to be patient that things will get better.

We agreed 3weeks in advance that he will visit me last month but 3 days to the date,he came up with a reason why he cant make it.I really want to feel he values me.I dont ask him for material things since i can take care of myself.But i asked him to buy me a phone which he can afford just to get him do something for me.i needed a sort of convinction that he still values me.He agreed only to disappoint that he couldnt get money.i really love him.How do i get him to love me more,miss me and do things for me without me begging for it.How do i get him to visit me.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Hello. I understand how difficult this must be for you to love him but not be able to be with him very much. There are several things here that you need to think about and consider. The first thing is his job and the circumstances around which he is limited in being able to see you. While you empathize with his situation, you are also entitled to feeling frustrated with it.
You also don't feel like he loves you as much as he says he does. If he made more of an effort to see you, would that be enough for you? You have to ask yourself what will make you happy in this relationship. You mentioned that you wanted him to buy you things as a gesture of love in your first part of your question, but then you stated that you don't care about material things. At the end of your question you mentioned a phone that he could afford. Material things seem to be important to you only because you have nothing else to hang onto and that is perfectly normal and fine.
What you need to understand is that men and women feel completely differently about each other and relationships in general. I'm certain that he feels everything in your relationship is 100% fine and even though you should probably see each other more, he isn't losing sleep over it or anything. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, he just looks at things differently than you do.
You are going to have to have a talk with him because nothing is going to change for you. The way you have this discussion will mean the difference between him expressing wanting change, or he will show that your feelings don't matter as much to him as his job and if that is the case, you need to make a decision that you may not want to make.
YOur conversation with him should not be about blaming him for any of these things. If you start saying YOu never do this or that, he will become defensive and you will both probably argue. In order to have a decent and meaningful conversation, you need to use a lot of " I feel that..." and things like, "Help me understand how to not feel like..."
Always start positive. I would maybe consider beginning with..."I know that you love me and I love you more than anything, but there are some concerns I have about our future together." Explain to him how you want to be with him and the pain of not being able to is really taking a toll on you emotionally and that you need some help from him in order to feel more content. Ask him questions that you want to know. Ask him what he sees in your future and if in 2 years from now, you are still 7 hours apart with no way to advance your situation, how you should both be able to handle it. Men are very literal. You have to spell things out for him in detail for him to understand. He isn't going to just "get it". Men don't. It's just the way they are. Don't ever expect him to know how you feel without you telling him specifically. He isn't being a jerk, he is just being the way that men are. If you are interested in reading about the differences between men and women which will help a lot in your methods of communication, check out the Mars and Venus series of books. They are very helpful.
The botXXXXX XXXXXne here is that you have a right to feel frustrated and empty. He does have an obligation to help you fill the void. He doesn't know how deeply you feel about this situation unless you have a serious talk with him and express your feelings about it. If it is a big deal, make him know it is a big deal.
See how he responds to your conversation. If he argues with you and is cold and says that he can't do anything about it, its your problem, etc. then I think you need to think about some things. If your situation with him isn't going to change any time soon, how much of it can you handle? How long can you go without feeling loved as much as you want to be? What will make you happy? Is he willing to try and meet you half way and make an effort for this relationship?? Everyone has a different level of acceptance and where they draw the line. You have to find out where yours is. You are the only one who can figure that out.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
thank you very much.i have discussed with him sometime ago on the issue.He didnt argue.he apologized,promised that he will not hurt me but still told me that he is trying.after sometime,i did not see change.i started complaining and complaining.he then told me that he wants us to continue the relationship but since he hurts me alot.that he is releasing me.he told me that he doesnt want to lose me but that since my complain was getting much.he doesnt know what to do again.i dont wish to lose him.if i break up with him now,i will not be satisfied at all.i enjoy the moments i spend with him.even if means one experience again.Also i want to have something from him.i want him to buy something that even if we break up,i will know he spent on me.i will be badly hurt if i hould leave him now because i will feel i lost out.i will feel used.i still love him.i just want to feel loved.how do i make him want to visit me on his own?is there no way i can make him miss me or buy me gifts or hunger for me.he used to tell me how he enjoys having sex with me.i need him even if once
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Honestly, you can't do anything to make him do anything. You can just explain how you feel, BUT you can help him by being specific in what you want. That is good that you have talked to him and maybe made some sort of progress, but by figuring out what exactly will make you happy, you can convey those thoughts to him. As I said, men don't just think of these things on their own!! They just don't.
He has to want to visit you on his own. You can only tell him that it bothers you that he doesn't want to. He probably has no clue that it bothers you as much as it does. Keep on him. I know it isn't fun to have to do that, but it's the only way to get to the point with him. Be honest, be blunt and straight forward with him as much as possible.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
i have done all that.been blunt,told him my feelings etc.do i give him ultimatum?do i stop picking his call so he realises what he is doing to me?honestly i will find it hard to forgive him if he leaves me.my ex boyfriend did same thing to me and slowly left me.he is suppose to be speaking every night before he leaves office.he uses free offuce line.he used to do that but he is gradually stopping that.i feel i am the one pushing the relationship which i told him and he got offended.he tried to prove me wrong.Now since he promised to come last month and fails,he pleaded with me to shift the visit to 3rd week of july.i am afraid he might disappoint.if he do disappoint,what do i do?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
As far as an ultimatum goes, that is up to you, but you have to realize that he may not like it and leave you. Honestly, that would show his true colors right away and not have you deal with him dragging out the inevitable. A relationship MUST be 50/50 in order to work. You should not feel like you are the only one putting forth an effort. I know that not being with him is devastating to you, but you need to look at the big picture and your overall happiness. I know you think that the little bit of attention he gives you is better than none at all, but is it? Is this how you see spending your future?
If he does back out of your next meeting, then I would consider backing off of him a bit and see what he does. Stop taking all of his calls, be more elusive. How he responds to that will tell you a lot of how he feels.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1369
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
hello Dr,how are you doing?hope you are doing good.thank you for the other day.Recall i told you that my boyfriend promised again to visit soon.But just last two days,i reminded him of the visit he promised and to my suprise,he told me that he might not make the visit as he promised.That he will be travelling to another state for work.

That same work too will be done through out my country by different people.It will be done too in the state where i live.The decision on who goes where is taken in his office and i know he can decide where to go.I reminded him all that.i pleaded with him to come to my state but he was still making excuses.i got angry and told him that if he disappointment me again,i will then know that actually he is asking me to let him be and i wont forgive him.

Honestly am so sad and not happy with Him.what do u advise?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I'm sorry he has disappointed you. I think you did the right thing by expressing your feelings. Right now, I would say to wait a bit and not contact him. Wait to see if he calls you and if so, how he responds and go from there. At this point, your hands are tied and it is his responsibility to make an attempt at this relationship. You can't wait around for him all the time. You deserve to be treated fairly and to be with someone who can't stand to be away from you.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
one more question please.he called me on phone yesterday and sent me a mail asking how i am doing which i replied.will it look childish if i stop replying his mails and answering his call from now or do i wait till if i dont see him that day he promised to visit .?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
That depends how your conversation went with him. Did he ignore your concerns about him changing your plans? Did you talk about the issue at hand or was it blown off and you had just plain small talk.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
just plain talk.he didnt bring up the issue neither did i.but i was cold towards him.i decided not to be my usual self.it was just like this.he asked me how i am doing and said also that he is doing well.i just replied that i am fine.i feel so sad that i am the one always bringing up the topic of visiting unlike before.i just feel like mentioning that to him again
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I think you should mention it to him again. I don't think he quite gets it at all. He has gotten away with this for so long and he thinks you won't do anything about it. Tell him how you feel and then back off of it and not talk to him and see what happens.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
thank you
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
Keep me posted.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hello Dr ,hope you are fine.Recall i told you i told my boyfriend that if he doesnt visit this weekend,that i will quit.Fotunately for me,He visited.he came on friday and left this morning.When he left,i sent him sms thanking Him for coming.He replied that more are yet to come.i dont understand it.Also please kindly advise me on how to sustain this relationship.Are there behaviours that can make a man draw closer to a lady?what are the ones i should avoild?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
I'm glad he stuck to his word ! Men can be very difficult to deal with sometimes!! In your situation, the relationship itself is not your typical situation as far as living close to each other or with each other and being able to see one another on a daily basis. That in itself is a huge key to being able to sustain a relationship. The more distance there is physically, the more distance there tends to be emotionally.
If he makes an effort and you are both in a situation in the future where you can see more of each other, I think that would be a big help.
As far as avoiding bad men, that is the million dollar question! So many men and people in general can change quickly or not show their true colors to someone else for quite some time. I always tell people to go with your gut feelings. If it feels right, go for it. If it feels like something is weird or off, then something probably is. I can't really be specific about that because there is no for sure answer. Every person is different. That is why trust and common decency of other people's feelings is a huge part of life that we all want. I hope that he starts to see what he is missing and does more to be able to see you more often.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
When he left,i sent him sms thanking Him for coming.He replied that more are yet to come.i dont understand it.Also please kindly advise me on how to sustain this relationship.Are there behaviours that can make a man draw closer to a lady?what are the ones i should avoild? please kindly reply.thank you
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
please i guess i did not put my question well.i want to know behaviours/attitudes that can make a man draw away from a woman and ones that can draw him closer to me.i want to bring him closer to me through action and not verbally.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 2 years ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions