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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Professional therapist
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Hi Im Marissa and Im having some issues in my marriage. Im

Customer Question

Hi I'm Marissa and I'm having some issues in my marriage. I'm 23 my husband Nate is 28 I have a 5 year old daughter who is 5 but not his. Anyway I will give you some background in our relationship before we were married and my issue is cheating he has not givin me any reason to believe he is but either I'm insecure or I don't know but I have some issues going on in my mind. Anyway he had cheated back in 2008 by kissing a girl I found out from a friend of his and when I confronted Nate about it he did admit it to me back then. I forgave him and moved on. Then in 2009 Nate became addicted to drugs I got sick of it and left him for my ex. Well Nate cleaned up ( been clean now for 3 years) but he had started talking to these other girls while we were trying to work things out. I found out and he did Admit to me that he was trying to make me feel like he did when I cheated and left him for my ex. So he did stop talking to the girls and we moved on got married last year and now I'm the one bringing up that he is cheating on me now he has not givin me any reasons I just can't get it out of my head. When I blame him he says to me not mad or angry that he loves me very much he is not cheating on me he wouldn't ruin his marriage like that If he didn't want to be with me he would not have married me . He tells me this and I still won't stop. It got so bad one day that he actually sat down with my mom and talked to her about what's going on. I don't want to lose him and I'm not wanting to push him away I love him very much and I'm afraid of being hurt. Please help me!
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 4 years ago.
Thanks for your question. My name is Ryan and I'd like to help you out.

It sounds like you really want to make this relationship work and I completely respect that, but it does seem like some of these incidents from the past have undermined your ability to trust your husband. That does not mean that this can't be repaired, but some of the problems that you're having seem very understandable since things have happened in your relationship that would make it difficult to trust your husband.

From what you've said, it sounds like Nate is serious about remaining faithful in this relationship, but only you can make the decision about whether or not that is something you can believe. If you make the decision to trust him, then it is a matter of beginning to unwind this habit that you have of assuming that he is cheating on you. You may have had reasons to be suspicious in the past, but logically if you know that you don't now, then it is about finding ways to diffuse yourself once you know these feelings of mistrust are starting to surface again.

Since you've been hurt in the past, and you really love Nate a lot, it makes sense that you would be even more nervous now about getting hurt again. That can cause you to be even more "on guard" than you normally would be. Sometimes even if you really want to trust someone, it can take a long time to rebuild that trust once it has been damaged. If you find yourself continuing to struggle with your ability to trust and it starts causing problem in your relationship, I would certainly recommend couples counseling in order to work through some of these problems in more depth. If you need help finding a therapist, let me know I'd be happy to help you with that. As long as you and Nate are both committed to making this work, there is certainly reason to be optimistic that you will both be able to work through this.

I definitely wish you the best and hope that this has been helpful. If there's anything else I can do to help just let me know.


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