Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about your situation.
From your words you seem shocked by her decision, could you please tell me more about your feelings and thoughts on this situation?
I don't know what to say, I have been perhaps too critical of her children, I have said things that upset her about our relationship. I think sometimes she is over sensitive to some things I say because her ex verbally abused her
She says she can't go on with the rooler coaster of emotions that I cause her
She says she still loves me and wants to spend time together, but marriage is out of the question
People who suffered of abuse would present a high risk of presenting trust issues in new relationships, and for sure a critical attitude towards children, and for her to state she feels upset by your words does not help to promote a good climate and healing from past abuse.
The best approach in a scenario like this is for you to show understanding, patience, empathy and a proactive attitude willing to work on improving your communication and intimacy, while as you already said, you work on being very careful with the content and form of your words towards her and her children.
I realize that I am at fault here. I have asked her to seek counciling with me to help me and save our relationship. she did not respond to this
She said it would be only a temporary fix to a life long problem
I recommend you to look for individual counseling to work on any personal issues and ways of communicating that could have led to this problem with her and her children. In this way you would be showing her you care and are already committed to make improvements in yourself, so for her to be open to consider couples counseling, so the two of you could work on this area with adequate tools.
I felt like counseling would be the best step. Sometimes I don't even realize the things I say are abusive
i totally support you, and believe what you say. We all mostly become more aware of ourselves when into relationships, and this painful but necessary situation, could become the best tool for each of you to work on yourselves as individuals, and as a couple too in order to make of your relationship something truly healthy, strong and fulfilling.
Is there a specific type of counselor that I should seek. I mean would I go to a marriage expert by myself?
This is not easy nor pleasant time for any of you, but it seems necessary and totally worthy if you take it as a challenge leading to positive change and grow for a much better relationship you all could enjoy. Show through your actions how much you care and want this to work, and that would give you the best concrete chances not just for reconciliation but for real grow and fulfillment., Look for a professional psychotherapist with expertise in anger management and relationships. The you would look for a marriage and family therapist or couples counselor to work with the tow of you on your relationship.
So, it would benefit me to tell her that I am seeking this help on my own?
I thank you for your time and help, I kinda of knew what I needed to do. I just needed affirmation I suppose. I will give you a positive rating. I just needed someone to talk to
I thank you for your trust. please take consistent action, it seems absolutely worthy and necessary.