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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
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Fred and I have been together for just over 9 years. Married

Customer Question

Fred and I have been together for just over 9 years. Married now for 32 days of that. (we don't have any kids) I just found out that recently he was texting and having 'facetime' on the iPhone with another woman.

To back this up a bit. About a month before we got married, I heard rumors that this other woman had a crush on Fred. (It was actually pretty easy to tell. I even noticed it before I was told, but chalked it up to 'whatever'...) Then the rumors came, so obviously there was more to this crush of her's then I thought. I didn't know if she was talking to others and telling them how she felt or what, or if maybe Fred was flirting back in public. In any event I went to him and told him about the rumors. His reply was, 'that's no good' and he'd take care of it and stop talking to her. So we go off, get married, life is good...

Then I come home in the middle of work one very late night and find him drunk on the couch (after a night of drinking with his 'friends') and on facetime with her. He closes it up before he thinks I see it. Then proceeds to ramble on with some story about a friend who went missing after the bar. Seeing right through this, I ask to see his text messages about this friend that is missing and when he opens it up I can see that he was texting this woman. I tried to pull the phone so I could see, but he is trying to pull the phone from my hands. Then right in front of my face he deletes all of the messages from her. Right in front of my face like I'm not even there...

So after a couple hours of arguing, he puts his suitcase down (I wanted him to stay so we could talk when he sobers up b/c I like to talk things through and he likes to run away) and goes to bed to sober up. Oh yes, and at one point in my rage, I face time this woman, on his phone and have a little blow up, where she tells me he was the one who went after her.

Once sober, he says they never had any physical contact, it was all text flirting and they had facetimed a couple of times. He says the only thing he told her was that she looked cute that night. (His phone showed it was him facetiming her.) When I asked why he lied about stopping the contact, he said he was being selfish, he liked the attention.

I've always had reservations, worries if you will, that he's cheated on me or is... He's always denied it. Maybe my 'spidy sense' has been right all these years...

Anyway, he says he'll do whatever it takes to keep us together. He's cried 100 times more then I have over this. What is 'whatever it takes'? And how long does 'whatever it takes' go on for? I'm not one to look through his phone or e-mail in order to check up on him (even though I want to more then anything), he's the one who needs to decide if he wants to commit. I think it's up to him.

I always told him, if he EVER cheated on me, our relationship would be over. I consider this cheating.

And what about her. We live in a small town, hang out in the same circle of friends. We can't avoid her forever. I can't lie, I want to beat her very badly... And what is the story, I'm sure she's telling to everyone now?? How do I deal with this. How do I deal with people feeling sorry for me, b/c my husband cheated on me. I am now, 'that girl'! I hate that!!

To make things more difficult, Fred and I are on opposite shift work. It's not like I can keep track of him (and I don't want to live like that.) I don't know if I can ever trust him again after his lying. What do you think? Should I try? Will it work out and will I learn to trust him again??

Thank you
Sally
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.
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