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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1722
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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husband left 18 months ago after 8 months of marriage and 14

Resolved Question:

husband left 18 months ago after 8 months of marriage and 14 years together found out hes been with someone else for 4 months asked him to tell me 100% he would nver want us to try again and hesaid he couldnt, he loves me and says im his soulmate but said this other girl could become serious
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

to be as direct as possible. I think the chances of him coming home and staying home are small. Why after all this time together and only after 8 months of marriage would he leave. An would you always wonder if he would do this again.

CoachJenK :

But it is deeper than just saying those views...I want to chat with you so we can understand what is going on for him. i imagine things are pretty rough for you and i want to support you as well.

CoachJenK :

I will wait for you to come online so we can chat.

Customer: there was a distance between us 2 months before he left do you think he has met this girl then and wanted to keep it quiet so it didn't look bad for him or
CoachJenK :

It is hard to know when he met her but he hasn't given her up and so it becomes about what you are willing to accept and tolerate and also what you desire for yourself.

CoachJenK :

I am hoping you arent having any technical issues in the chat. I am here

Customer: I just want him to want to come home really thought he would realise what he was leaving behind he still treats us as a family we spent Xmas together and still send joint presents to family also he has bought me thoughtful presents. I don't know any of this crowd that he is hanging with they are a shallow crowd in terms of apearrance and life so I find it hard to see what is better and he never wanted to go out with me this caused problems in our relationship because he would go out and stay out all night every few weeks then more regularly at the end. It really hurts that he is doing all the things with this girl that he couldn't do with me. What do you think I should do to make him want to come home I want him to see me as a wife again. I am going to a family wedding I know that I would not sleep with him without a commitment to making it work from him but at the same time he probably wouldn't even want to anymore and I find that devasting and think he would be with me if not with this girl. Why did he deny he was seeing her ?
CoachJenK :

I feel for you and all that has gone on. You love him and want him to be with you and rightfully so. When this stuff happens the best thing to do is to give him that space and time to miss you. The more you reach out the more he knows you are still there. he needs to wonder what you are up to and how you are doing...let him feel a bit nervous that you may be getting on just fine without him.

CoachJenK :

This is not to play a game but rather for you to focus on you and maintaining your life.

CoachJenK :

His lack of respect for you and what you have built with one another is disappointing to say the least, but the focus must be on you.

CoachJenK :

and if it means accepting for where things are right now then that is what we need to work on.

CoachJenK :

Trust me I hear you when you say you want him to come home. We cannot force that and he needs to understand his behavior and figure out what he wants. Right now by saying the things he does just keeps you hanging in and dangling. You have the choice to step out of that. You deserve that.

Customer:
Customer:

because we have been separated for 18 mths it sounds like a long time but I think i have been in denial and now because I have found about about this girl I have been able to confront him and I wonder because we have discussed this and he is completely aware of how I feel and also that I would have accepting him wanting to try again ( not yet live together and date) would this renew thoughts of us for him as he has obviously had more time to come to terms with things there had been no discussion before,

CoachJenK :

I think the denial has certainly kept you in things and it has allowed him to have both things...you hanging on and this girl. I dont believe the marriage can be worked on unless he gives this girl up. what are your thoughts about that?

Customer:
CoachJenK :

If he knows you are willing to work on things and he is too I think that is great, but things wont work if he is still with this other girl during this time.

Customer:

i hate the thought of him being with someone else and doing the very things that if we had done together we may have had more fun and stayed together i tried to make him understand it was important that we socialise together as well as separately so that hurts that he didnt.I think maybe for him he has made the break and it is over but i keep hoping he will realise he has made a mistake.I dont know how he feels being with her now that I know will it make himfeel differently i hope so. its also upsetting that h ewould not tell me anything about her except to say its not her fault he married.he didnt mention us trying or him leaving her i left the ball in his court saying he needs to think what left behind and how he would feel if one day he regreted but it was too late and i was with someone who was treating me right.He just said ' i know' and tha t he loved me

CoachJenK :

well then as i mentioned earlier...it is time to focus on you...he is certainly focusing on himself.

Customer:
CoachJenK :

I think as best you can begin to accept the current space and start to heal from this. it is very hurtful what he has done and you are left with all of your feelings. Will he come to realize he has made a mistake? Only time will tell, but I would not bank on that. My concern is for your well being and that is why I am suggesting you begin to accept and heal and move on.

Customer:

how do I stop thinking about them together though

CoachJenK :

that is not an easy task...time and patience and doing other things you love and focusing on you will help get them out of your mind.

CoachJenK :

practice relaxation or self hypnosis...whatever you can do to quiet the mind.

CoachJenK :

http://www.stevegjones.com/innerpeaceforwomenhypnosiscdmp3.htm

Customer:

i guess if he is going to want to come home then It would be to someone who is happy and enjoying life rather than someone being so needy

Customer:

do you think i would b ecausing issues in her mind


 

CoachJenK :

that is also very true. So get out there...focus on you, live your life and you just might find you are doing okay.

Customer:
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1722
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
Coach Jen K. and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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