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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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My man is married but says there is nothing wrong with his

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My man is married but says there is nothing wrong with his marriage. He says he does not need an affair but he saw me and wanted me for 2 years. We are now having an affair. He is crazy about me but is truthful and says that we cannot always spend a lot of time together. He is asking if I can be happy with that situation. I said yes. He has not run his wife down and says she is a gentle person but as he works away half the time they do not see a lot of each other. He is being amazingly honest which most married men are not. No false promises. No saying he will leave her. What do you make of this?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
It pretty much is what it is. It is good he is being honest with you. The problem is he is not being honest with his wife. Although you have no relationship with her and no obligation you may want to think about if you really want to be with a man like this. You may want to find someone who loves and appreciates you. Someone who will be with you and only you. You may also think what if the man who you were married to was with another woman how would that make you feel. Even though it is good he is being honest with you I think you deserve more. I wish you the best!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I am also married but my husband and I have not had sex for over 3 years. My husband treats me well but after I had an affair he also had an affair and although he's good to me he never makes any attempt to make love to me even though we sleep in the same bed. Men find me very attractive and so does he so it's not because I'm undesirable. He reckons that it will happen in time but over 3 years is ridiculous. My lover says my husband doesn't know what he's missing.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
I understand better now. I can see why you may want something with no strings attached. You are right 3 years is ridiculous. Pretty much then you and your lover are pretty much in the same boat, so seems to me he wants to leave your relationship as it is. Were you looking for more from him? He may also say that since you are married as well. I think by you being married it makes him more comfortable to be honest with you.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

My lover works away at sea. 3 weeks at sea and three weeks leisure time. His wife lives in a flat in her home town in one part of the country and he lives in a house in the town he grew up in another part of the country. They seem to love each other but he doesn't want to live in her hometown and she doesn't want to live in his hometown. They get on really well when they're together and both wish that the other one would commit to moving to their respective hometown. On his three weeks off he spends time in her flat and then travels back to his house to spend the rest of his time at his hometown. I live in the same town as he has his house. He is absolutely adamant that there is 'nothing' at all wrong with his marriage. He goes out of his way to tell me that. He said 'I won't tell you lies my wife and I never argue and we get on really well.' When he tells me this the tone of his voice becomes louder and strong.' She lived in his house in his hometown with him for 3 years but asked if he minded if she moved to live in her hometown as she gets lonely in his hometown and gets very unhappy there. She is adamant that she doesn't want a divorce. They don't have children together and do not want any. He has had a vasectomy and she is not maternal. He said that because he works away a lot it wouldn't be fair on her to expect her to live in his hometown. He does look very hurt about the situation though. This is his 3rd marriage and he seems devastated about the situation they are in. He never says a bad word about her and she told him that she does not want a divorce even if it means she has to move back to his hometown. He did tell me he married her thinking she would be living in his hometown and had he known she would want to move back to her part of the country he wouldn't have married her.


Question is where does all this leave me? I have heard that he is a womanizer but he seems absolutely smitten and over the moon to be seeing me. He has also said that if his wife was living with him properly he wouldn't be having an affair. I said to him 'Why do you need an affair?' He replied in an assertive tone that he doesn't need an affair but that when he saw me he fell for me. He was bowled over and wanted me for 2 years until he finally plucked the courage up to talk to me. I told him I'm trying hard not to fall in love with him. I thought this might frighten him off but he replied saying that he could easily fall in love with me. I need to ask you what you think is happening here. He's told me he likes me a lot but on the other hand he likes his wife a lot as well. I'm confused. I'm not jealous of his wife but I'm jealous of the nice feelings he has for her. He has said he will never disrespect me and won't hurt me. Our relationship has only been going for about 6 weeks so its a very short time but the more we see each other the deeper the feelings become for both of us. He seems terrified of losing me. Please let me know your feelings on this situation. I'm confused because he likes his wife so much. I don't think he knows what to with his personal life. He says one day he will be retired and then they can spend much more time together but on the other hand he says that he will spending less time going to her hometown. He's seems very frustrated and confused with the situation and is hurt that she couldn't settle with him in his hometown. Please help me to see more clearly into this situation as my marriage is also confusing. My husband is nice to me but as I've explained to you before things aren't normal.


 


 

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.

I agree. You are in a very confusing and tough situation. What we really need to do is piece this by parts.

First off...you and your husband This is probably what led you to this other man in the first place. It is very strange that your husband will not have sex with you in over 3 years. That is not fair to you at all. If he forgives you for what you have done in the past and he himself has done it as well then he needs to act as a husband. If it is too much for him to deal with and is unable to have a sexual relationship with you then he should be honest and it may be better for the two of you to go your separate ways. 3 years is a long time. The question here is do you want to save your marriage? If you really do then I think you should drop this relationship with this other man. I understand that people cheat for various reasons. Me personally am against cheating for any reason. I feel the best thing is to deal with the problems in the relationship first. However, I respect people who do cheat and know that there are a lot of people as yourself who are not cheating just to cheat, but have much deeper reasons and need genuine help.

I think first you really need to see if you want to stay in your marriage and think how would you feel if he was doing this. It would be good to try and get him to go to counseling to resolve this problem. However, if you feel you are done with your marriage and do not see it getting worked out then the best thing for you to do is leave. It really depends on where your heart is in the marriage. I understand you must feel like friends with your husband and this is leading you to this other man and I agree with you, but the truth of the matter is that you are married and this should be dealt with first. Keeping your husband without any hopes of rekindling the marriage will waste both of your time. It is best to decide where you want to go with this first.

2nd part...This other man....I do not see much hope here. I still do feel that he is comfortable with you since you are married as well. If you do not mind having an affair being married and him as well then it is your choice to continue this, but you have to know that this is temporary pleasure. I do not see this as something that can grow over time. Well sure it can grow. The two of you may have the best of times, but his wife by what he says seems to always be in the picture. He definitely has an issue because she does not want to move, but despite that he still does not want a divorce, so does not look like that will happen anytime in the near future.

With this man you will always be the 2nd one. I do not feel this is a healthy relationship for you. This will just lead you heart broken since it will never be the way you really want it to.

If you are happy with that then you can continue it, but remember that it is what it is. You should not look for more because then you are setting yourself up to be hurt in the future. You just need to enjoy it for what it is.

However, the best advice I could give you is to try and stop seeing this man and decide if you want to be with your husband or not because then you can focus all of your energy in trying to make it work and if you do decide to not be with you husband then you can find someone that will be 100% devoted to you and not to another woman. That is what you deserve. Don't settle to be 2nd when you can be first.

See, that is my true opinion, but I understand that there are some that enjoy being married and having an affair on the side. If this is what you prefer than you need to realize that it pretty much will always be a confusing situation. You would just need to enjoy the time you have with him and not worry about his feelings towards his wife.The issue he has about the hometown and etc is meaningless since he still chooses to be with her. That is something he needs to work on himself.

I hope this was helpful and brought some insight to the situation

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I just need to clarify that my husband is not seeing the woman anymore. He loved her and bought her a wedding ring! However when I found out about him seeing her I arranged to meet her and tell her to keep away from my husband. She agreed to do that but did not keep to her word. A few weeks later my husband finished with her as he thought I might commit suicide and he told her that he couldn't risk it. She has told a third party that he wanted to go back with her but she refused as although she loved him he had promised to move in with her and her children and she had told her children this. So she didn't want to confuse and upset her children anymore than they already had been. My husband is now doing everything in his power to be nice to me. He wants us to go on holidays etc. I have told him that because she won't have him back I am good enough now!! He denies this and says that going with her was the biggest mistake he made in his life. I asked him why we he never tries to make love to me and his reply is that I probably wouldn't want him to.
What do you make of all this.
(Please be aware that I pressed the 'Not satisfied with your expert' by mistake).
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
, I just need to clarify that my husband is not seeing the woman anymore. He loved her and bought her a wedding ring! However when I found out about him seeing her I arranged to meet her and tell her to keep away from my husband. She agreed to do that but did not keep to her word. A few weeks later my husband finished with her as he thought I might commit suicide and he told her that he couldn't risk it. She has told a third party that he wanted to go back with her but she refused as although she loved him he had promised to move in with her and her children and she had told her children this. So she didn't want to confuse and upset her children anymore than they already had been. My husband is now doing everything in his power to be nice to me. He wants us to go on holidays etc. I have told him that because she won't have him back I am good enough now!! He denies this and says that going with her was the biggest mistake he made in his life. I asked him why we he never tries to make love to me and his reply is that I probably wouldn't want him to.
What do you make of all this.
(Please be aware that I pressed the 'Not satisfied with your expert' by mistake).
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
C ould you reply to my question of the 31st JUly please?
Thank you.

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