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Santo B
Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 83
Experience:  Clinical Social Work
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My husband says hes unhappy and was thinking of moving out.

Customer Question

My husband says he's unhappy and was thinking of moving out. He says he doesn't really know why but that he's felt this way for about 9 months. He's just recently started going out on Friday nights with "friends" and our sex life has slowed down dramatically. He had an affair about 10 years ago and I think he's either involved or getting ready to get nvolved with someone. What should I do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Santo B replied 2 years ago.

Santo B :

My name is XXXXX XXXXX I hold a Clinical Master's Degree in Social Work with a focus on Adult Mental Health. I currently provide general Life Coaching.

Santo B :

Please give me a moment to read your question

Santo B :

Ok, I read your question. Have you asked him what he meant by "Be happier with someone else"?

Santo B :

It almost sounds as though he has made up his mind already

Customer:

Yes, he thinks I want someone who likes to go to church and do things I enjoy (church, volunteering, etc)


 

Santo B :

Is that something that you would like?

Santo B :

Have you asked him if he is already seeing someone else?

Customer:

I wish he would do those things but we've been married a long time and I'm used to doing them by myself.


Yes I did ask him and he said no.

Santo B :

So, did you ask him why he would like to separate from you? Is there something wrong with your connection? It shows you going in and out of the chat session

Customer:

I don't think there's anything wrong with my connection...

Customer:

I did ask him and he said that he thought he should be somewhere else because he knows his mood impacts me and our adult sons.


 

Santo B :

Ok. Wouldn't him leaving the family home have a greater impact on all of your emotional and mental well-being?

Santo B :

The following is what I am seeing on my screen.

Santo B :



<div class="JA_chatMsgContent"Customerhas stepped out of this chat.




5:39 PM


<div class="JA_chatMsgContent"Customerhas entered this chat!




5:39 PM


<div class="JA_chatMsgContent"Customerhas stepped out of this chat.




5:39 PM


<div class="JA_chatMsgContent"Customerhas entered this chat!




5:39 PM


<div class="JA_chatMsgContent"Customerhas stepped out of this chat.




5:39 PM


<div class="JA_chatMsgContent"Customerhas entered this chat!


Customer:

I think it would. I think he's been unhappy a long time but I don't know how to help him. He also said he doesn't want me to overreact about this. He thinks we'll "always stay best friends" no matter what.


 

Santo B :

How do you feel about him leaving? Are you ok with just being best friends with him?

Customer:

I would be sad. It isn't great to have to watch his moods all the time so it would be a relief for that but I do still love him. I can't really imagine my life without him in it. I don't know how I would feel about "friends.


 

Santo B :

Have you asked him if there is anything that you or he can do to salvage the relationship and work towards reconciling it so he would stay.

Customer:

No, I said I thought he should go to counselling which he started and that we should do marital counseling. We haven't really talked about it except he told me he was "processing" his first therapy visit but didn't want to talk to me about it.

Santo B :

I too would suggest couples counseling to determine what the underlying issue is that is causing this rift in your relationship, and causing him to want to leave.

Customer:

I know part of the problem was he thought I was in love with my Pastor. The Pastor and I no longer talk and I was sad which my husband supported me through.


 

Customer:
Santo B :

How are all the other aspects of your relationship, i.e. communication with one another and intimacy?

Customer:

Intimacy is less, he's very quiet and we don't really touch or have much affection. He doesn't really respond when I say I love him, he used to say it on the phone but now just says goodbye.


 

Customer:
Santo B :

Has this been going on for a long time now? It sounds as though he has already ended the marriage, and there is not much that can be done to salvage the relationship at this point. Have you considered discussing with him an amicable break up.

Customer:

No I haven't , I would hope he would do marital counseling. I guess I'll ask him about that and see what he says.


 

Customer:
Santo B :

I realize that it is very upsetting, but his unwillingness to share with you how his therapy session and that he has already begun discussing a long lasting friendship makes me believe that he has already moved on. I would ask him whether he has any intention of repairing this marriage, or is he simply finding a gentle way of ending it.

Customer:

Thanks for the answer. I'll talk to him and see what he says.


 

Customer:
Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 83
Experience: Clinical Social Work
Santo B and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Santo B replied 2 years ago.
I am just checking in with you to see if any of the suggestions we spoke about worked. Please don't hesitate to contact me with any questions or concerns you may have.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I talked to my husband and he decided to leave. He moved out on Saturday. I also found some emails where a woman was using intimate language ("baby" etc) and thanking him for one on one time. I'm thinking he's already moved on.
Expert:  Santo B replied 2 years ago.
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Santo B
Santo B
Counselor
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Clinical Social Work