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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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I have been dating a woman now for over a year. Last August

Resolved Question:

I have been dating a woman now for over a year. Last August she broke up the relationship and went to work in a mall (we do mall shows) with another lady that she had made plans with. I foolishly went to work in another mall and asked my x-wife to help me (strictly a business relationship), She was paid very well for her work. My big mistake was allowing her to stay in my RV while we worked this mall though she slept on the bed in the front while I slept on the master bed.
Here is the problem: the current lady feels hurt and has not been able to heal for the last six months. We have (last year and as recently as a couple of months ago) been a full time couple, now she wants to be apart until she heals yet she expects me to text her loving texts every morning hug and kiss her when I see her.
I feel that six months is a long time and she is no further in healing than before. How can I go on with this relationship - or should I just pack it up.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 2 years ago.

Dr Levang :

Hello,

Dr Levang :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr Levang :

You certainly seem to have been a patient man with this woman. It appears that you have apologized for having your ex-wife work with you...you text her loving messages daily, you hug and kiss her. And...still she insists that she cannot trust you and is not healed.

Dr Levang :

You ask: How can I go on with this relationship...

Customer:

good I hope you can


 

Dr Levang :

As you know, you have several options...

Dr Levang :

1) Pack it up and say you have been patient and done all you can to ask for her forgiveness and understanding, but you are unwilling to stay in "limbo" any longer.

Customer:

The issue is I turly do love her. Can I get her past her hurt when we are not together?


 

Dr Levang :

2) Ask her - politely and lovingly - what she needs in order to heal. If it is something you can provide...then fine. If she can't specifically say what it is...then tell her that you cannot devote any more time to just waiting for things to change.

Dr Levang :

As to your...can I get her past her hurt when we are not together...

Dr Levang :

That depends...

Dr Levang :

My big question here is what is she doing to heal? Is she doing anything or nothing?

Dr Levang :

Is she going to counseling? Is she reading self-help books?

Dr Levang :

Is she talking to you about her feelings so that the two of you can work this out?

Dr Levang :

Truly...YOU can't do anything here...only she can control her feelings and only she can decide what she will or will not do.

Dr Levang :

Right now...you are powerless. You can pledge your love. You can promise to be thoughtful, caring, and loyal. But...it is up to her to forgive you and trust you.

Dr Levang :

3. My third point was to go to couple's counseling.

Customer:

nothing that I can see. she refuses counseling and is not reading. She has expressed her feelings and you


know them.

Dr Levang :

And...given that you do love her and want to mend the relationship...then #3 is probably the best option you have.

Dr Levang :

So...the question becomes...what does she want? She tells you to text, to kiss and hug her...but then she says she doesn't trust you. Those are mixed messages.

Customer:

We were suppose to go to a counselor this week but she has decided to work instead even though she had already agreed to go

Dr Levang :

This is a case of you either start working together to solve this issue - which seems largely to be a miscommunication and nothing more - or you are going to make no progress and time will fly by.

Dr Levang :

Was there an appointment made?

Dr Levang :

Was it re-scheduled?

Customer:

yes


 

Customer:

no


 

Dr Levang :

I would say...what is more important dollars in your pocket or our relationship together...

Customer:

I did and even offered to loan her money to keep the appointment


 

Dr Levang :

Make a new appointment. Tell her that if she breaks this one..that you will take it as her decision not to work on the relationship and, instead, to break-up.

Dr Levang :

So...do you take her not going to the appointment as a sign that she does not want to work on the relationship?

Customer:

This is the second time she blew off counseling


 

Customer:

She feels she has no issues


 

Dr Levang :

Oh...

Dr Levang :

So...is it all your fault then? Are you the issue?

Customer:

I guess my mistake (which I admitted to her).


 

Customer:

I guess I could try one more time with a counselor and if she breaks this one end this for good


 

Dr Levang :

Well...I see that you made a poor decision in asking your ex-wife to stay in the RV. But...you did not lie about you..you acknowledged what you had done. You were forthright and honest.

Dr Levang :

You have been patient while she needed time to heal...

Dr Levang :

But...6 months later you are still in the same boat...she still needs time and is not healed.

Customer:

In your opinion you seam to think that is too much time?


 

Dr Levang :

If she says she has no issues...then what is this "healing" and "no trust" all about???

Dr Levang :

Yes! 6 months is too much time for a minor mistake on your part.

Dr Levang :

What happened with your ex-wife wasn't revenge, or trying to be hurtful...you needed an employee..you asked someone who knew the business and could do the work...am I right here?

Dr Levang :

Sure..maybe you should have hired someone else. Maybe you should have tried to do the show by yourself.

Dr Levang :

What has your gf done over the last 6 months to heal....you say nothing.

Dr Levang :

Well...what is it going to take for her to heal if she is unwilling to do anything...and says she has no issues.

Dr Levang :

You seem to be between a rock and a hard place here.

Customer:

Your first question I hoped you had the answers. She feels this in a MAJOR mistake. And I knew I could trust my X. Maybe I could have hired someone But I did not. Could not work mall hours by myself. And as far as her healing I do not know. BIG rock.


 

Dr Levang :

Yes..give therapy one more try...if she doesn't go...then she is demonstrating her unwillingness to mend the relationship.

Dr Levang :

In my experience, it was not a major mistake. Remember..you had broken up...that meant you were free to do what you wanted...and she was free to do what she wanted. So...she should have no beef over what you did while you broke up.

Dr Levang :

You were a gentleman to acknowledge how you handled that mall show.

Customer:
Customer:

Guess thats all I can do. Do you feel this is something that will take a long time in therapy to heal? What would you tell a couple sitting in front of you about being apart? If we were married what would she do? Run away?

Customer:

Since the appointment would not be until next week should I continue sending her texts and communicate with her??


 

Dr Levang :

If the couple is completely honest and really wanting to heal their relationship...6 sessions or so would resolve the issue. About being apart...I would say that you need a commitment to each other and to the relationship...and how are you going to make that commitment.

Dr Levang :

Good question about what she would do if you were married...

Dr Levang :

As to the texts and communication...

Customer:

My friends tell me Im a battered "husband"


 

Dr Levang :

I encourage you to tell her exactly how you are feeling...that is, I am disappointed that you would not go to the counseling appointment. If you want to repair the relationship, then going to counseling is important step in healing. I want to do that. Are you willing to do that?

Dr Levang :

I am sorry that your friends are saying that...but there seems to be a ring of truth.

Customer:

She keeps stalling


 

Dr Levang :

She seems very controlling and is unwilling to do her part to solve the problem.

Dr Levang :

Yes...she is stalling...avoiding...You could ask her what she is afraid the counselor will find out...

Dr Levang :

She may worry that the counselor will say she has to change...and she may not want to...

Customer:

Who cares what a counselor will find .....its confidential


 

Dr Levang :

Exactly. But I think she may be worried that the counselor will say something negative to her...like you are battering him...or you are being controlling...or something along those lines. She may not want to hear the truth about how a professional sees the relationship.

Dr Levang :

She may not want to really "work" to make things better. She might be happy just the way the relationship is today.

Customer:

If that is the case then she is more controlling (bordering psychotic) than I realise


 

Dr Levang :

I do think you need to put an end to this waiting game. Either the two of you see a counselor together or it becomes rather hopeless.

Customer:

Do we live apart in the meantime??


 

Dr Levang :

This is why counseling is important..to find out what is going on and to move toward a more healthy relationship.

Dr Levang :

Do whatever you feel is most comfortable for you.

Dr Levang :

If you are together...you have more opportunity to talk and work this out.

Customer:

Then wish me luck Thank You


 

Dr Levang :

Absolutely! Good Luck!

Dr Levang :

You are very welcome!

Dr Levang :

Take care!...

Customer:
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1166
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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