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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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i am very fond of a 51 yr old bachelor that I met online last

Resolved Question:

i am very fond of a 51 yr old bachelor that I met online last september. We were living 600 km apart but spent time visiting at each others places and our work loads hindered some of our contact. He has moved back overseas as his work ended here and asked to stay in touch and said he would be back. He has recently said by email that he will be back and for us to spend time together and he has suggested on more than one occassion I visit him in his country and I have indicated I would like to.
Probably my main concern is I seem to initiate contact with him, with the positive being he always responds.
He has been very hurt in the past and I actually like our snail pace but do wonder if I'm wasting my time chasing my imagination. I have been separated for nearly 2 yr and am not completely free to take off due to business ties with ex.
Do you think there seems to be any hope here?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do think there is always a chance for a rich and useful experience as long as both people do shoe mutual respect, caring, understanding and support in realistic ways. You have just started to know each other and shared a little during his time there. You know he does not want to be hurt again and that you are not ready because of your "Business ties". Then my recommendation is for you to be totally honest and open towards him, so you could better understand each other, current situation, challenges and from there choose what you want to explore and afford or not. In this way, nobody would be hurting the other, there would be no neglect or misunderstanding and whatever happens with this relationship, it would evolve in a way you both would feel enriched by it, whether it grows and takes you to be together or become good friends.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then please do to push yourselves, be patient, honest and consistent taking one step at a time, developing an open dialogue so you both know how you feel, what you want, expect and fear, and you would work from there in creating something meaningful and fulfilling, whether as friends or as partners in the future, nobody knows, too soon to say, only time would show. Just be realistic, honest and proactive.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I will be here to support you as necessary so please feel free to contact me. Thank you.

Customer:

What do you think about me initiating contact, even though he does respond?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello!

Customer:

hi there!

Customer:

hi

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see any problem about you taking initiatives, but if there are the only ways you share, while he remains totally passive not doing the same, then that would be a red flag.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

People could be shy but to take initiatives like this does not require a person to be an extrovert, it takes maturity, respect and caring.

Customer:

Hello!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Ye, Hello, I am here.

Customer:

I sort of sense "danger" with me initializing.

Customer:

should i not contact him until he contacts me?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

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If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.
Hello. I have changed from the chat interface to message posts since chat seems not to be working. Please reply via this means. Thanks!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
would it be best for me not to contact him again, until he initiates contact?
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.
Could you tell me more why you feel "danger" if you take the initiative" What is your biggest fear or concern about it?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
probably, i realise i am the first to initiate contact. He always returns calls or emails. But you know, you here how men should do the chasing.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 2 years ago.
My recommendation is for you to have an assertive approach here, what means not to expect him to take all the initiatives but for both to actively interact and share. So for you to take initiatives is totally fine, as long as he also does the same. If he doesn't, just let him know you expect from him to contact you next time and then wait. If after that he chooses not to contact you, then you would wait and see if he shows consistency and caring or not, and depending on that you would know what to do.
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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