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Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1776
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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Im 22 years old and Im engaged to a 20 year girl that I truly

Resolved Question:

I'm 22 years old and I'm engaged to a 20 year girl that I truly love from all my heart.
Our wedding is in about 5 months time, and unfortunately we are not communicating well.
She is very emotional and I'm unfortunately influenced by my family (sometimes I feel lost and without an opinion). My family have always said to me that you are so nice and we are afraid that she'll take charge and you'll be undermind, bascilly I'll go by her rules.

Me and my Fiancée have been planning for over a year that after I finish my udergraduate degree in the UK (I finished last May) I'll continue my masters degree and she'll move to the UK with me to compelete her studies. However, when I returned to the Arab Gulf I've realised that there are lots of opportunities that I should take advantage of, so I decided to talk to people with experience in life in order to take a final decision on holding my masters degree plans until I get the experience needed.

While I was talking to different I was indicating to her that we may change our plans, she asked me do you wanna stay in the Arab Gulf I said until now no but I'll keep on talking to people. So after a while I told her I would like to discuss with you a matter: first I would like to tell you that I was thinking emotionally about us living abroad (both of us had the belife that living abroad away from any influence is good for our relationship)
I said the reason why I was thinking emtionally because our plan is not good for us in the long run and I explained that resons why, such as the harsh economic condtion in the UK it will be much harder for me to find a job in the UK than in the Arab Gulf and the opportunities in the latter are enormous.

After I told her that she said to me that you already took a decision and you are just trying to make me feel that you are taking my opinion. So she decided to switch her phone off for two days.

After two days we talked and she said you destroyed an image of us that I've built in my mind and our relationship should be above any opportunity. She felt that I prefered the opportunities in the Arab Gulf over her and all I'm thinking about is money.
My reposne was think about it logically in 3 years time if I have a masters degree without a job and without experience think will impact our relationship negativly.

So she started saying annoying things to me so I got upset at her then a day later she apologised and wanted to convinve me to stick to our previous plan so I said to her the same things over and over again of why we should take advantage of the opportunity in the Arab Gulf so she got upset then I got upset at her again and was cold with her for three days.

After that we resolved the propblem without agreement and agrred to dicusucc this issue when she returns from the States.

At that point my family knew about everything cuz when I was upset I told them about what happend and my elder sister were saying that both of you are too young and you should think a million times before you get married. Moreover, my farher have expressed his fear that she'll control me and he.

Today unfortunalty I wanted to be honest with her about something she did and I disliked her repsonse was why are you being honest and these things just a couple of months before our marriage so I said I'm always honest but I tell you about the things that I dislike as we go. She is upset now and she said to me the thing I'm upset about the most is that you said to me "I want to discuss so and so with you before our marriage" she didn't like that she felt that I wasn't sure if I want to marry her or not.

I really feel lost and I feel that both of us can't comminucate well when in conflict.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

Customer:

Hello Mam

CoachJenK :

Hi Dom

Customer:

How are you doin ?

CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear of these struggles...you sound like a wise and good man.

CoachJenK :

I might have to agree with your family here....

Customer:

Thank you I appreciate that

CoachJenK :

I think there is plenty of time to figure things out and that need to be figured out...

CoachJenK :

If communication is difficult now it really needs to be worked on.

Customer:

The problem is if I say to her that I'm thinking of delaying our marriage she get upset


 

CoachJenK :

You may be in two different places with your desires now and you changing the plan is okay...we are all allowed to do so.

Customer:

If I say to her now that let's change our wedding ceronomy plan she'll start saying things along the line of braking up

CoachJenK :

would it be possible to get into some couples counseling so you can work on the communication?

Customer:

I trying to find a certified counsler at the moment, but I'm 95% sure that she won't agree to go to a counsler with me

CoachJenK :

for the sake of the healthy relationship she wont go?

CoachJenK :

That is concerning...it sounds to me that it is her way or no way?

Customer:

She'll say dont make a big deal this is normal and we'll get over it


Yeah to a great extent

CoachJenK :

so tell me what YOU want

Customer:

even though sometime she says that I'm against a woman controlling her husband


 

CoachJenK :

both people are important in the relationship and both need to have their needs met.

Customer:

What I want is to reach a stae with her where we discuss matters logically not emotionally


 

CoachJenK :

to me it sounds like things need to slow down a bit until you can figure out what is truly going to work.

Customer:

I really love and I can't see myself without her and she feels the same way

CoachJenK :

ahhh...the difference between men and women...

CoachJenK :

we get emotional and men get logical....that is always the trick

CoachJenK :

then you must do what you can so that both of you feel heard and inderstood

Customer:

We've agreed to discuss this face to face when she comes back from California

Customer:

but I don't think that will happen after today's dicussion


 

Customer:

Today she was really upset and focused on one word that I used in our discussion

Customer:

and forgot the rest


 

CoachJenK :

if the goal is to be together then that is always there as the foundation and if you feel that opportunities are better in the gulf then go for it...make it an adventure and something new for both of you to explore together.

Customer:

and unfortunately that happen often


 

CoachJenK :

yes we as women do that

Customer:

I seriously can't understand why


 

CoachJenK :

so let her know how you understand that she was hurt by that but men and women communicate and hear things differently so ask her to allow you the room that it was not intentionally to hurt her.

CoachJenK :

because of the emotional aspect of things...we just get stuck...so acknoweldge it for her and let her know you were not trying to hurt her in any way

Customer:

I'll do so once she gives me the chane to talk to her

CoachJenK :

she will...we always come around

Customer:

she tend to act strange after misunderstandings


 

CoachJenK :

she pulls back?

CoachJenK :

to protect herself

Customer:

yes

Customer:

she takes time to get back to normal


 

CoachJenK :

shes young...you both are...that should ease up a bit with reassurance

Customer:

she becomes cold and give me short answers

CoachJenK :

and that style needs to be addressed as it is not healthy moving forward for you

Customer:

I've been told also her age may explain why she's being reblious

Customer:

I don't want her to grow with that attidude


 

Customer:

I really wanna help her overcome those things beacuse I think she's pure from inside


 

CoachJenK :

I agree and that is why i suggested counseling so she can look at that behavior and see how destructive it is.

Customer:
CoachJenK :

you shouldnt have to pay for expressing your feelings.

CoachJenK :

and say to her....

Customer:

I really need to convince her to go, I know it will take time


 

CoachJenK :

"I love you so much, when we have a misunderstanding and you shut down for several days afterward, it hurts and doesnt help either one of us. I would like that to be different, can we work on that toghether?

Customer:

I'll say that to her, I really liked it


 

Customer:

another problem that I find difficult to overcome is telling my family about our confilcts specalilly my elder sisters


 

CoachJenK :

I am glad. It is loving and caring rather than blaming

CoachJenK :

I know you need someone to talk to but families have very long memories because they love you so if you tell them the tough stuff they will have a hard time letting it go

Customer:

I really wanna stop telling my family about our confilcts


 

Customer:

she also talks to her family about our confilcts

CoachJenK :

these are just more reasons to get into counseling.

CoachJenK :

counseling isnt a sign of weakness or failing but rather a sign of strength

Customer:

I agree 100%

CoachJenK :

you both are doing the talking anyway with your families so why not with a trained professional to give you both the space to do it appropriately. that is what I would say to her

Customer:

I went to a hypnotherapist in the UK for the last couple of months


 

Customer:

as I wanted to change a lot of stuff I didn't like about myself


 

Customer:

she didn't like that


 

CoachJenK :

i am sure it was wonderful

Customer:

she said you can change yourself without the help of anyone


 

CoachJenK :

That is not my belief

Customer:

Yeah it was really helpful

Customer:

me too


 

Customer:

she saw the postivite impact her self


 

CoachJenK :

we all need a helping hand at times...nothing wrong with that. we get stuck in patterns

Customer:

100% true

Customer:

I have to get going mam, that was really helpful I really appreciate it


 

CoachJenK :

so i would continue to be open with her and keep the conversation going. let her know how you feel when she shuts down and try to offer counseling. It has been my pleasure. Please take a moment to offer a positive rating if I have been supportive.

Customer:

You've been really suppotive thank you so much


 

Customer:
CoachJenK :

thank you. If you would click on the rating tab to complete it and then you will also get this in your email so you will have a copy of our time together.

Customer:
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1776
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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