Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
You mentioned that her behavior somehow evokes insecurity within you. Has she given you any reason to suspect infidelity or is it simply because of her comments that you feel this way?
she hasn't given me any reason i don't think i could do with spending a little time with you as i have a bit too discuss if thats ok
If there is no tangible evidence pointing to her intending to cheat or in her feelings for you getting cool, then what you experience is based on your perception and interpretation (in your head) as you put it.
If her libido is high and healthy, it is not uncommon for her to behave like this. Some women's testosterone levels are higher
do you mind if i speak openly has i feel i need to do this to tell you what has been happening
and what you observe would match in a way how a guy may behave
It does not mean that she does not love or appreciate or hold you in high regard.
Yes, you can elaborate
if she goes out on her own she gets lots of attention she does not dress in a way that makes her look available example short skirts low tops ect.. she went out this saturday night came back at 2am with friends
she texted me a hour later her text read " ive just pulled he offered me a drink and moved on but she commented on how big he was and how big his muscles were
then a little while longer she said she had been approached by 2 women saying they would like to do sexual things to her and later on a dance floor someone put his arms round her.
She may like to get positive attention; in itself her behavior does not have to be intended as something to hurt you. You do realize that even if she went out covered from head to toe, if she is the kind of person that wants to do something, she would do it. Now, if these comments are uncalled for (about other men) you can stress out to her that you don't really care about how the men look. All you care is that she does not do something she'd regret. In a way, you're expecting her to do what you'd do in a similar situation. That is fair in a relationship.
She has to keep proper boundaries b/w herself and others.
then about 1am she sent me a text saying "we have a stripper its massive"
Perhaps she does have an underlined self worth issues if she's seeking external confirmation about her self worth. Looking at strippers is common though.
It's possible that is how she channels her sexual energy without being dishonest with you or unfaithful
At least she tells you what is going on.
that hurt because it told me she was looking at this guy and i thought she must be getting something from it
What she would get by looking at him could be similar to what a guy would get looking at a gal. Visual stimulation.
Some individuals are move visual
Of course, if this behavior of hers is hurtful to you, it is understandable that you would ask her not to do it. And, when she cares about you, she would not have a problem in halting it.
How long have you been dating?
yes she does tell me but i am wondering if its the way i am that is making me think this way if i saw a girl in a bar stripped naked with everything out i would get nothing from it in a sexual way in fact i would walk out because i am with someone if i was single i would stay, because i think its a form of being unfaithful getting aroused by someone of the opposite sex and staying and watching
we have been together 2 and a half years i am 40 and she is 38
It can go both ways. People get aroused by different things. The arousal factor itself does not mean she's wanting to be w. that person. In the end, you know she comes home back to you.
How did you deal w/ this all of this time?
yes but this is the thing when we discuss it she says she gets nothing from it, and says a guy with his top off and a six pack does nothing for her,yet when someone comes on the tv in this way with hios top off she automatically says hmmm raises her eyes and you can see she is thinking he is fit
Looking at this situatuion, overall, do you think that the way she is/acts hurts your ego and trust issues more than the relationship as a whole?
it is causing me anxioty and affecting my life that is why i need to talk to someone
There is nothing inappropriate if she thinks someone is fit. Do you by some chance compare yourself to that person?
well im not fat and 6ft weighing 13st
The anxiety is connected to what you make out of her comments correct?
but it does bother me the way she carries on about saying hes massive hes big
What do you think it triggers even on a subconsious level? Is it reminding you of someone having betrayed you or disregarded you in the past?
i cant help thinking she likes male attention even if she would not do anything about it
And you think that it is because she's not getting enough from you?
Or in some way you feel less than...
i left my wife in 2009 after 13 years after the birth of our 2 children she became disspondent to me and did not want me in that way i felt a nussiance and a pest even though i loved her and cuddled her and was there for her she wasnt there for me and never listened or comminicated i had to go even though it ripped me in half it took me 3 years to go and now i have to live with this leaving my children for the rest of me life knowing i will only see them a couple of times a week
Is it possible that you're displacing feelings that are still unresolved that you've got for your ex onto this new gilrfiend? What would be the best case scenario for her to be in? What would happen if does not take place? Meaning- you expect and want her to present one way but, she's acting the other way around? In that case, what do you want to do? Because you've realized it makes you feel anxious?
she gets plenty from me we have a very healthy sex life 4-6 times a week in fact if we have gone a couple of weeks before and she is asking if i still fancy her
ok here is another incident
15 months ago my best friend split from his girlfiend i have known him 10 years my girlfriend asked him for his mobile number she told me that she had asked
to start with she used to text him daily and ask he was then after a couple of weeks my friend started being sexually suggestive to her
saying things like he had just fell off his bike and hurt his hand so he will have to use the other one and has she got a spare tissue, she was at home at the time having a glass of wine and replied oh mr D has is name was David you hae just made me spit my wine out lol x
There seems to be an issue of boundaries here. It is one thing to watch or comment on someone, than carry on w/ texts/conversations. What does she tell you about it? Why she's doing it? Does she think she's been there to be supportive to him or something else?
she continued all night swapping messages i told her to ignore him and change the subject we hardly spoke for 2 hours as she was texting him
That is not appropriate - to go on through the evening w/ him texting. That behavior is taking away from the attention she can allocate to the relationship.
Do you think she does not understand proper vs. unhealthy boundaries?
this carried on for 6 weeks with him asking her if she wore uniforms has she got any and when your boyfriends at work you will have to pop up and show me them
Do you believe that in a way she's just acting rather than thinking ahead of time how her behavior would come accross to another person?
he was sending her jokes like whats long and hard and cums quick ect..
That's inappropriate on his part as well.
It is clear now that your anxiety is not simply becauase she notices male's attention but how far she's going on with it. Correct?
she was showing me these and i accused her of sex texting she said what do you mean? i said why are you encoraging him she said i did not know i was
yes thats correct this is very dificult for me please be paitent with me
she said i dont even fancy him which to me was a contridication of how she was repling
i said how would you like it if his ex was texting me being suggestive and i was replying like you are
she said i would not like it
which makes it more frustrating because she didnt undersatand
She could of taught funny to taunt him but even then, there must be clearly defined boundaries. Your task seems to be of teaching her what are healthy/unhealthy boundaries; something she ought to know. Yet, some people are not as good as others in realizing what they're doing.
the final straw was when he texted her and said " i will have to come upto where you work kick your boss out lock the door clear your desk throw you on it and f**k you over the desk
Maybe you can present it to her this way- before she does something, she'd have to think about how would she feel if you do the same. Have you spoken to him?
then she replied " oh mr D you have really perked up my day lol x "
and she showed me this we nearly finished over this as i got very angry and frustrated shew couldnt see she was hurting me, she thought i was being unreasonable
Even if she though that what they were doing w/ the texts was a joke, it is still something you told her was hurtful to you. At that moment, she should of accepted it.
Instead of justifying her actions.
yes i have spoken to him and told him he was bang out of order and told him to stop, he replied she was answering me back and knew exactly what she was saying to me take 2"
True, it took both of them to carry on w/ it.
If you're to answer the first thing that comes to mind- What is the one main thing that bothers you the most (causes you the most distress)?
too me when someone is saying those sort of things and your partner knows its going to hurt them its common sense it would a no brainer, i said all the time how would you like it and she said she wouldnt but she carried on
even saying well you didnt stop me
i said no i didnt because i told you to stop and left it with you i am not controlling and i left it too her to decide how she was behaving i told her it hurt me but carried on
There are all these things going on -1) She being nonchalant 2) you feel she's disregarding/disrespecting you 3) she's not owning her behavior and 4) she is minimizing how you feel or how it can affect the relationship in the end.
excuse my education what does nonchalant mean
In that case, it would be difficult for you to manage the anxiety because it would seem that there could always be another incident of this nature.
nonchalant in the USA we say someone who does not care much, does not want to be bothered
i do feel she is disrepecting me in a sexual manner and how her actions hurt me with other men
same as careless
Knowing what she's capable of and willing to do (or not do) how do you want to deal w/ her?
yes but i know she loves me in the things she says she has little self worth
So you believe in the end, her behavior is for her a way of feeling better/liked/desired ?
Even if it comes from others?
she is a very loving girlfriend in everyway rings me texts me regulary she say i like to look after my man she his not being secretive or out when i ring she stays in all week theres nothing at all in 2 and half years for me to think she has done anything i trust me i am not behind the door and pretty clued up on the signs
That would be something for you to really sit down and talk about w/her. She may have not even realized consciouslly that it is what is behind her Regardless of what is behind the behavior, it hurts you and she has to correct it.
You're not asking for something impossible of her.
yes her mum and dad are always on her back and pulling her down she had anerixier when she was 17 and nearly died from it she also suffers and has been diaginosed with body dismorpher
You'd want to stress out to her that when she does this and that..it raises your anxiety level.
She should know what it is to feel anxious then
You're asking her to be considerate of your feelings. That is what a loving parther does
Is she receiving now or had received therapy for her body dysmorphic disorder and anxiety?
Would she be open to couple's therapy?
which is unbelivable if you saw her she is a size 6-8 uk size petite very young looking well spoken doesnt swear good morals and very tactful soicalable will talk to anyone
she sees a counciller once a week and has done for years
why does she want this male attention when she is getting it from me?
Could she talk to her counselor about this behavior?
im not sure what she talks about but it is aimed alot at what she thinks of herself
She may want the male attention for many reasons. 1) compensate for not feeling appreciated by her father, 2) try to unconsciously make herself feel better 3) this had become a habit
Maybe you can ask her to get some objective feedback from her counselor in regard to what you've noted to her and how it affects you?
she gets 3-4 attempts ever time she goes out for her number or a date, she says i will talk to them but im not interested she says when i go out i get dressed up to feel nice and pretty i go out with my friends to talk to them she says when she is out she does not see anything else and does not look around at guys she just enjoys the evening
From what you've shared, it seems that she loves and cares about you; she's behaving in ways that are hurtful to you and she's not good at establishing boundaries w/ others. So, that leaves you with 1) how you would deal w/ the anxiety it causes you 2) what do you think she'd be able to do hence forth
i met her in feb 2010 2 weeks before i met her she was seeing a guy she had been dating him for 4 weeks she said she didn't really fancy him at all but she had been single for 2 years after coming out of a 17 year relationship, and he approached her in a cinema and she went out for a few drinks with him. on the last night she saw him she went to his flat and after a drink he forced himself on her on his settee and exposing himself, she promptly left and realised what she had got her self in too
but heres the confusing bit she left but did not tell him it was over she met me 2 weeks later on match dating and we started seeing each other after a few days i noticed she was still getting regular texts off him asking if she wanted to meet up for a drink, do you want to come upto mine tomorrow night ill cook and we can get it on after
That is more confirmation that she does not have proper boundaries
i said have you told him about me, as she had told everyone else her friends her family, everyone in a week she couldnt wait but she would not tell him
That is strange. Could she have been afraid of him?
this went on for 5 months after starting dating i said you cant blame him because you havent told him your with someone she said he was just being friendly and was only joking with these comments about getting it on i know im a man i know what that means and he would be there like a shot
She had seen it as a joke? You would have a lot to do with her in teaching her about boundaries and what's healthy in a relationship.
That is why it may be a good thing to consider couple's therapy. She needs an objective viewpoint
then after a couple of months she said do you mind if i meet him for a drink hes only a friend, i said pardon no way he has been sexually suggestive he tried it on with you and forced himself on you the last night he saw you pinning you down on the sofa and attempting to have sex with you and he only let you go because you asked, what happens if you met him again and this time he didnt
i said you can go if you tell him your with someone and it would be friends only i said if you say that i bet you he wouldnt be interested she said i will tell him when im there i said if you cant tell him through a text you will not be able to tell him to his face and if you do he could get angry because in his eyes you have led him on for 5 months because he as asked you out on dates and been sexually suggestive and you have not told him about me
she just wouldnt tell him
then at xmas 2011 this is 20 months after being together and not hearing from him for 3 months after she finally told him she was with me incidentially the texts stopped after saying this as i said they would. he texted her saying do you fancy meeting up tomorrow which was a sunday she was with me on that day and do you know what she said to him ?
Clearly it shows lack of judgement on her part if nothing else. Had she stopped talking to him now? If she has, you may want to try to let go of it now.
Let's hpe that during the 2 years w/ you she had learned at least something about how to interact w/ ex partners.
she lied and said she was going to a wedding that day and couldnt make it
why do you think she answered like that why didnt she just say she was with someone?
It appears that her behavior is still along the line of inappropriate because she's in a relationship (even if she thinks she's joking)
but why would she lie and say she is going to a wedding when she wasnt and then tell me how she replied ? all she had to say is she is with someone
Only she knows her reason behind her answer. Mabe she wanted to keep her life private or thought that the guy would become jealous or angy and do something?
It is doubtful that she was intending to reunite w/ him right?
In the end she did not meet him.
If she's havign self worth issues, it could be causing her to be less assertive.
just indicates to me that she wants male attention not telling him she had met someone seeing me being ripped up inside and telling her this all the sexual texts for months from my ex friend and replying to them a 38 year old woman with lots of sexual experience knows it is wrong to reply to comments about suggesting being f**cked on her desk with oh you have really perked my day up mr D
Maybe she thinks that if she goes along, she's more likeable?
That would relate to attention seeking behaviors
you might have hit the nail on the head there
Those sexual conversations on her part are clearly uncalled for.
i know she has a very strong intention to be liked
Is she otherwise emotionally stable as far as her mood is concerned?
Look up histrionic disorder's symptoms
she is always saying i will leave her
and i have given her no reason for this
im very romantic supportive
i will thank you
sometimes its like she is in her own bubblke
she rambles and does not take in what i say
and borderline personality. A person can have traits without meeting criteria for a diagnosis
example i would say i love you your the best thing thats happened to me cuddle her all night, then she would say i think you better go home and decide what you want
She does not like what you say because it makes her feel bad when in fact her goal is to feel good
No one feels good all of the time though and she has to accept that
this as causeed me unbelivable tension how you can say something like that and it doesnt go in
that makes sense
if you only knew
She could be playing a mental game to see what you do. Almost like testing your limits. And if you feed into it, it would be a self fullfilled prophecy for her
She would feel justified then for saying/doing that
It's unhealhty behavior
if you only saw her and how pretty she was every one comments on this and i mean naturally beautiful she is 38 and looks 33
Regardless of physical looks, she could be struggling w/ self worth issues. These would affect her
its like if we have a couple of good weeks she is looking for something to go wrong
her ex husband was abbusive to her she met him at 16 and has never had another man other than me
That tells you a lot. She may have unresolved issues w/ him and acting these in her current relationship w/ you
She may not have insight though
i have struggled with self worth and how i look and why would she be interested in me she said im gorgeous and cant see what i see in her, i have learnt that she loves me so i don't get hung up on my looks
It's like you're dealing w/ her and her issues that are unresolved (both relational and regarding self esteem)
That is all you can do; go with her own pace, show her how others interpret things, ask her to engage in self examination to figure out what is behind her actions. Journaling may be helpful
her husband did not come near her for the last 2 years he would stay up late and watch porn channels on sky she said she would her him getting the tissue roll out of the cupboard then coming to bed after sorry for that but i had to tell you
she would sleep on the floor of the landing outside the bedroom door if she was poorly as not to wake him, he would get up in the middle of the night and drag her back to bed with her hair
It is possible that her attention seekng/craving from men now is as a result of wht he did to her. Subconsciuosly she could be punishing him through acting out w/ men like that. Of course, he's not in the pictue so she's taking it onto these other people
she does this all the time now with me she slept on the sofa for 6 weeks while i lay in bed alone because she was suffering from a stomach problem it didnt matter how many times i said i would like to be with her it didnt make any difference she would not come to bed
Behavior is purposeful even when unhealthy. It serves her a purpose!
i never thought of it that way but why didnt she do that in there marraige she has given me no indication that she did this
i do know this though in the time i have been with her she works in a opticians and she has been asked out 5 times she says she has to tell me this so i know, which i suppose this tells me her loyalty
she wouldnt tell me if she was hiding something
She may have felt emotionally liberated when they divorced as a result of which she started to act this way. While she had been w/ him, she may have been too depressed to behave like that
Her telling you is good. It is her attempt to fix things as best as she knows how to
yes she does suffer from depression
i suppose what i am trying to say is if every time she goes out and gets chatted up 3 -4 times a night and thats with her head down and not looking for anything, at some point with all this attention and a drink inside and i know when she has had a drink she cant look after herself 3 glasses of wine and shes talking to to the toilet door and as you do. would she be tempted to do something
A person can be tempted at any time (sober or tipsy)
she constantly says all the time her first orgasam was when she was 36 when she met me she never had one with her husband in 17 years is that possible?
yes but i always thought if its not in you its not in you, i am 40 and i have never ever got it on with anyone it doesnt matter how drunk ive been because its just wrong i have very high morals and if anything its a massive turnoff if a female approached me and i was with someone,
You just have to remain persistent about the nature of her behavior affecting the relationship. She has to learn some self control.
Re: orgasm it's possible.
Try not to compare yourself to her (or your behavior) She is doing things as she knows how to do them
She could learn how to change her behavior. She has to figure out what purpose it is serving her, how else she can get the same outcome w/o doing that and then change her approach.
i know but its hard if i was a loose guy who went with any thing that moved i would not be anxious about her behaviour
That is why you're talking to her about this.
Chance takes time
I meant change
Try to speak to her about that 1) her purpose 2) what it brings her 3) what can she do differently
You do realize that she is the one to change herself. You can only point things out to her.
i have suggested meeting in a bar one night as though you don't know me i approach you and chat you up i am someone else and i have to play this character all night in other words pretend i am someone else and she is getting attention she can do something about
i know i can only tak
talk to her
Hopefully she is getting some of what you're saying to her.
It seems that you matter to her a great deal.
You know that many factors are at play here- her past, her coping skills or lack of, defense mechanisms, her self worth, poor boundaries
when she sent me the texts saying "we have a stripper" "its massive" at 1am sunday morning i did reply how would you like it if i was out with my mates and i texted you that what would you say as she is very insecure.
Her depression, anxiety and BDD
You just have to stay firm w/ her even if she tries to turn it into a joke or minimize it.
when she came in at 2 am i said what did you mean by its massive she said well it was abnormal i mean and stopped and said i dont know if it was his bits or part of his costume he walked past me and went upstairs as it was a hen night
Sometimes you may have to let go of the things she says. She could be looking for a reacting from you
then the next day she said she went upstairs but got refused admission because it was a private party but the thing is she tried to get in to have a look and why would she do that if muscles six packs and large c**ks did not interest her
it gives me massive insecurities in the bedroom
This is your interpretation though! She is not comparing you to him or someone else! That is something for you to know.
she is very small breasted aa i thin i dont really understand sizes she has a real complex about this a big complex and his always saying they dont do anything for you, i like you the way you are and actually prefer small breasts infact they dont do anything for me breasts something that just doesnt do anything at all
Try to stay focused onto what the two of you have and what you share (even intimately) rather than what she had seen and commented on.
yes but you wouldnt look at something would you if you did not get something from it would you
Love is beoynd looks
You could look at something either way
It is what you think about it and what you do in the end that matters.
If she is not having any desires to be w/ whoever she's looking or speaking with, and comes home and makes love to you, that is what matters in the end
Sometimes people look because they're curious
it makes me want to get down the gym have a six pack and look like a guy out of the chippendales so then i would not feel low if she said he had big muscles because i would be like that
You did identify that this is making you insecure. That would be based on how you interpret her behavior. You could say- I don't care what she looks at as long as she's faithful; I know she loves me and I am confident w/ my looks/size etc.
You are who you are. That is who she fell in love wiht
could a woman come home at night after going out and make real love and stare her lover in the eye in real intamacy if she had another guy on her mind
The same on your end- you feel in love w/ the person not the size of her breasts
yes thats true
It would be doubtful that by then she would have had him on her mind
If she is making love to you, that is whom she is thinking of and being with
mentally and emotionally
You have to realize that women care more about emotional security than what the guy looks like
Meaning- she wants to feel safe and must be feelign safe and comfortable w/ you and that is more important that physical looks
i know she is the person that if we have had a argument or not getting on that is the first thing that she cannot do is be intimate she says she needs to feel loved before she can do this
That is how women are
They want love and make a difference b/w making love and having sex
i think a guy will never understand that
But you're heaering it though
because most guys go on looks
Yes, because men are visually stimulated; research on the brain points to that
yes but surely a woman has to fancy a guy initially before any sexual contact
or they would go with anyone
A woman would go with a person they feel secure with and are attracted to (both )
That is if the woman hopes to be in a relationship w/ that man. This excludes women who engage in sexual activities out of opportunism
We've been typing for 2 hours now. Is any of this helpful?
Does it make sense?
i suppose that is why theres all these sites and channels on sky with women on them i have flicked over to them and i know they are doing on there own free will but i think its degrading to women and does absoulty nothing for me whatsoever infact i sit there thinking who looks at thios sort of thing now if my girlfriend was on the television doing that i would be all ears. i need to feel loved to have sex or i cant and i have to be content too maybe im more like a female the way my brain is set up
She loves you (you feel it)
sorry did not realise no thats everything thanks for you help sorry for keeping you on for so long have a nice day
That does not mean that she's perfect (no human being is) and there are things that the two of you are working on
You can always come back to the site. Think a bit about what we went over