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BillLCSW
BillLCSW, LCSW, MFT Treating Couples for 35 years
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker MF Therapist
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I have recently told the love of my life something about my

Customer Question

I have recently told the love of my life something about my past the i couldnt tell him before because it was my deepest,darkest secret and I just couldnt bring myself to do it. I told him about it very recently when he asked(prior to this I omitted part of the story). He now feels like i've lied to him about everything,including my feelings for him but thats not true at all!!! I care about him very deeply and i just want him to be okay. How do i help to get over being hurt and disappointed? Is there any way i can get him to forgive me and more impotantly,trust me again? Please help me
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 2 years ago.
Sometimes when people say an untruth or give only part of a story the partner will generalize this to everything. They feel that you were not honest so what else are you not honest about. This may pass in time if you wish to wait for him to come around but you may consider the possibility of very short term couples counseling so he can better see that you did not do this intentionally. If he learns that people hide part of a story it is often out of fear for how the other person may see them. Not only can you purchase only a few sessions with a counselor you can investigate online therapy which is very conducive to resolving brief problems. In addition you won't have to leave your house and this is a plus when the partner may be hesitant about involving a professional.

If you want to try the self help aisle at your bookstore, you can try the Mars and Venus collection to work on communication. Part of this may be resolved by just having more productive conversations about his feelings regarding deceit.

Most of all make sure to appear truthful at all times and the trust will return in small increments. You can't put too much pressure on him or he will become resistent. Take gradual steps towards getting him to listen and eventually trust will return in its time. My best suggestion is scheduling a few sessions with a counselor in your livingroom that can act as an interventionalist.

If you do not offer positive feedback I am not compensated.


Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I dont think that he would be willing to do any of this as our situation is very complicated. I need a more detailed solution that would help me to be pro-active and something that can provide results

Expert:  BillLCSW replied 2 years ago.
Hello- Thank you for asking the question. I have over 30 years of experience working with individuals, couples and families & am happy to reply.

To best help you with the best possible answer, I am going to need more detail from you so that you are completely satisfied with my response.

1) Please share more about the duration of this relationship, your history of previous relationships ( and his)Marriages etc.

2) More specifics about what was shared (at least to give me an idea of what it is related to

3) How he is relating to you now, what he says he wants to do ?????? etc

Thanks for providing response and I will reply ASAP.

Best, Bill
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

We have been seeing each other for just over a year, however he is in another relationship that he cant leave as his partner would become terminally ill if he did. Neither of us are married,however he is engaged. He is not leading me on as he is honest and open about his life,he does have genuine feelings for me, that much i do know and can judge. I am not currently in an official relationship but I am in frequent contact with my ex-boyfriend who would pursue a relationship with me if I gave him a proper chance to do so as i am quite confident that he loves me deeply. He doesnt know anything about my current relationship.


 


I told him about an awkward situation with another one of my ex'es who i broke up with after a certain incident a few years ago. I ended up speaking to that guy again about 2-3 years back and started dating him again(before i even met and got together with the guy im in love with) The part that i shared with him very recently was that i got back together with this guy and gave him a chance and also had physical relations with him.


 


 


He currently doesnt want to speak to me about it and ignores my attempts to make it better. He did say that he does still love me and cant change that but that love isnt all that makes a relationship work. He said he doesnt know if he can forgive me or trust me again. Its very difficult for him to trust and confide in a person and once he's disappointed or hurt, he doesnt usually give the person another chance.


 


I trust this information will remain private and personal

Expert:  BillLCSW replied 2 years ago.

I am sorry to hear about this.

First and foremost when other relationships are ongoing, it is not possible for either of you to establish a mutually satisfying relationship that will have any reward in the long term.


No on can maintain genuine, mutually satisfy relationships when there is a "Triangle" and other people are involved. This is something that occurs when someone has a significant conflict between what they THINK and what the FEEL.

In reality, a relationship requires 1:1 mutual commitment and when a third person is involved....."HE IS ENGAGED" and in this case if you are entertaining any idea that you can repair the relationship other than to realize that it may be best for you to move on will only be an exercise in disappointment.

Here are Traits of what makes a HEALTHLY RELATIONSHIP:

Healthy Relationships -- What Do They Look Like

  1. Partners can manage conflict and differences without despair or threats.
  2. Both partners protect and nourish the relationship and make it a priority (not addicted to work for example).
  3. Both partners know how to be responsible for own needs and also for the care of the relationship.
  4. Both partners feel "special" to the other. Arguments or fights do not lead to abuse or threatened break-ups.
  5. Both partners can communicate wants, needs,feelings, and emotional issues with little or no shame.
  6. There is unconditional love if not unconditional agreement.
  7. The relationship feels and is nuturing, comfortable, and fun.
  8. Both partners attend to the needs of each other willingly and lovingly.
  9. The sexual relationship works well and is mutually satisfying.
  10. Both partners can and do keep agreements (maturity).
  11. Both partners are honest.
  12. There is no abuse: physical, verbal, emotional (ignoring).
  13. Both partners have boundaries:

    • Each person can say "no" to requests from partner when necessary without feeling guilty and tell their partner when something feel not right or hurts them.
    • People pleasing is kept to a minimum and neither one feels they are making a "great sacrifice" to stay in the relationship. Each person is able to do their work, attend to their children, care for other aspects of their life without threatening the relationship.
  14. Partners can hear feedback from each other that they may be projecting old relationship fears or issues onto the current relationship.
  15. There is commitment: exits are blocked in the relationship.

This is a guide to help you see what is lacking in your relationship and what you should be looking for in a relationship in that is going to provide what you deserve.

If he is unresponsive and ignoring you, there is nothing you can do to change him.

This is an indication that he sees the relationship as OVER and I think you would be best served by respecting this and not trying to resurrect a relationship which is already filled with dysfunctional traits.

You deserve a relationship without all of this drama. Saying Goodbye is a difficult process, however based on what you have written and relying on 35 years of working with couples I think this would be best for you.

The following link explains the process of ending a relationship (in a healthy way)

I think you will find it helpful.

http://www.peterfox.com.au/how_to_end_relationship1.html

If you have further questions- FEEL FREE TO CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION

Otherwise, I trust that I have provided some helpful direction.


Bill

I APPRECIATE YOUR POSITVE RATING SO THAT I RECEIVE CREDIT FOR MY TIME AND EXPERTISE

-Thanks-

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for your feedback. I do appreciate your opinion one thing that you have not seemed to help me with is the fact that i dont consider this relationship dysfunctional. There may not be a future for it soley based on the consequence of it threatening someone's life. I am usually one to think with my head and not my heart but this is the first time i've ever felt this way. He also is more of a logical person but the feelings we have for each other are un-deniably deep and intense. He has since the last time i e-mailed you spoken to me and voiced his concerns. He said that trust is earned and that he is willing to put his faith in me again and we've concluded that we would be totally honest with each other irrespective of the consequences. Is it wrong to want to make the most of the time that i do have left with him? we have a great deal of respect for each other and don't sugar coat things or live in a fantasy world. I know it's going to hurt very badly in the future, i am aware of all the facts and read what you said vey carefully but i refuse to throw away something that means so much to me.Also the only thing that doesnt make our relationship "functional" is that we cant be together in the end. Im confident of the fact that I know my boundaries and i need to be there for him as long as i can because he means that much to me.
Expert:  BillLCSW replied 2 years ago.
Hello-
I appreciate the future and If I helped you decide that the relationship is NOT dysfunctional and that you are comfortable the way it is realizing that you have no long term future in this relationship - then that is perfectly fine.

I think you are selling yourself short however, only you can decide what you can tolerate and it is clear that this is what makes you happy now and if, in the future, this changes, I completely believe you have the personal strength to make alternative choices.

This is one thing that takes the essence of being human in a relationship-so great- the ability to make choices.


I wish you the very best, XXXXX XXXXX I have help some but if believe otherwise, please do not rate my response as positive-----merely - re list and another Expert will give feedback.

Otherwise, I appreciate your POSITIVE RATING so that I receive credit for my time invested in helping you.

Best, Bill
BillLCSW, LCSW, MFT Treating Couples for 35 years
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3705
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker MF Therapist
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BillLCSW
BillLCSW
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Licensed Clinical Social Worker MF Therapist