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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1776
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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Im atheist, 39, post-grad, male and single. I think Im frustrated

Resolved Question:

I'm atheist, 39, post-grad, male and single. I think I'm frustrated because I can't date. I think I'm not attractive enough for the women I like, and the few women who have liked me usually haven't been attractive for me.
I've tried online services but I've encountered pretty much the same luck.
I'm not really into going out by myself very much, and don't know many people in town.
I think I've come to believe that, at my age, I'm probably hopelessly condemned.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

sounds to me its about chemistry and you just havent found the one where the chemistry has hit...i dont think you are hopelessly condemned

CoachJenK :

i will wait for you to come online so we can talk.

CoachJenK :

I am here when you are available.

Customer:

I've tried to put myself in the shoes of others and understand it can be hard to reject someone who doesn't look like "mr. right". I've also tried to criticize my double-standard in the sense that I want others not to judge a book by the cover, yet I've probably done the same.Oddly enough, the person I click with the most is married. And even if I wanted to go further, I doubt she would have an extramarital affair with me. And I would not be the instigator.

CoachJenK :

and that makes you a gentleman with integrity.

CoachJenK :

but it also tells me exactly what i was saying above that it comes down to chemistry and not that you arent attractive to someone else, but rather when the right one comes along you will feel attracted to them and they to you. Sadly it happens right now to be with someone who is married. I wonder if that prevents you from being fully open to others if your heart and desire is for this woman.

Customer:

Oh no, that hasn't hindered me from anything. I'm not obsessed or the such.

Customer:

It's just that when it comes to chemistry, I don't have a catalyzer, it seems. Looks and cash seem to be effective catalyzers.

CoachJenK :

Ok good. I am glad you are still out there then...sounds funny to say thin but is is a numbers game...the more you meet the more you increase the odds to find that one with whom you click

CoachJenK :

I understand...but there are others out there who value other things...you just havent met her yet

CoachJenK :

tell me other wonderful things about you...

Customer:

Not that I'm insolvent or deformed,

CoachJenK :

lol see you have a sense of humor...that is a great thing

Customer:

Self-made guy, considered a brainy person, introverted, iconoclastic, I don't watch tv unless it's something educational...

Customer:

intuitive, individualistic, good speller...

CoachJenK :

I was going to say you sound quite smart....there are many out there with similar qualities

CoachJenK :

hysterical!!!!

CoachJenK :

cant believe how down on yourself you sounded to me...youve got a lot of great stuff about you...just give it some time...I know you have given it a lot of time, but it will be worth it

Customer:

True, I like smart women... but then again smart women, if they're smart, wouldn't date me...

CoachJenK :

and why is that?

Customer:

They wouldn't settle for less.

CoachJenK :

but I just dont get why you feel like you are less...if this faulty thinking exists that is what will prevent you from finding your deep connection.

Customer:

I was trying to connect with this colleague, who's divorced, working on her phd, nice person, not dating... but in truth she wants is a tall, muscular beefcake. No questions asked about mental ability. Just a hunk.

CoachJenK :

and that is not the woman for you...but there is a woman out there who wants more than a beefcake.

CoachJenK :

you cant force chemistry but it does sound like you are seeking out the kind of woman that in the end 'aint going to cut it for you.

Customer:

So, she has rejected my 2 attempts at asking her out. I think she's beginning to feel guilty and in my opinion, has opened up a bit, but even if she has tried to show empathy, going out is still far away, though not as far as it used to.

CoachJenK :

but in the end if she wants befcake then beefcake it will be...why set yourself up to prove to yourself you are less.

Customer:

Any suggestions on chemical reactions?

CoachJenK :

you will know it when it is there...

CoachJenK :

and it must be both ways and it will be!

CoachJenK :

chill out, more time, continuing to put yourself in things that will encourage like mindedness

Customer:

There is another person who, in reality I have been trying to avoid. And I feel there is chemistry but, at the same time, a deliberate attempt on that person's behalf to prevent things from happening. Social reasons, most likely.

Customer:

Either that, or she likes to play games.

CoachJenK :

it all comes down to fit...and the things you mention tells me the fit is off.

Customer:

I think it was an ongoing circle of being friends and not talking at all. And this summer I made the deliberate choice not to call her or text her. She hasn't done it either, so I guess I'm not missed. But life goes on.

Customer:

What would be things that encourage like-mindedness?

CoachJenK :

doing the activities that you enjoy and in those activities meeting others who enjoy it too...cycling, book club, theater clubs, whatever.

CoachJenK :

Did you go offline?

Customer:

I think it frustrates me that I work in an environment where, overwhelmingly there are more females than males. And I must be in pretty sad shape if not one sees me as a potential date.

Coach Jen K., LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1776
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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