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Ask Coach Jen K. Your Own Question

Coach Jen K.
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1715
Experience:  Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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Hello there CJenK, we talked some days ago about my relationship

Resolved Question:

Hello there CJenK, we talked some days ago about my relationship that has not the "spark". Could we continue talking now?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 1 year ago.

CoachJenK :

Welcome back.

Customer:

hi there!

CoachJenK :

how is everything?

Customer:

Ok. I am on holidays now, that means enough time to have fun and to think :)


how is everything with you?

CoachJenK :

excellent. nothing like a holiday. tell me about the fun.

Customer:

I hope you will find time for you soon..


About the fun, I now have guests at my village's house, a family that I support because the daughter has diabetes, her mother is separated from her husband and I had the opportunity to make them feel better by being there.

Customer:

It's kind of weird fun, but very very interesting to do smth like that


 

CoachJenK :

wow that sounds lovely. and thank you for the warm wishes for me.

Customer:

you are welcome!


 

CoachJenK :

yes it can feel very inspiring.

CoachJenK :

and how are you feeling about your relationship while relaxing and having fun

Customer:

I feel the same like the other day.. Its like an emptiness inside me, and a wonder why. I also think that I may be destructing it myself by thinking all those negative thoughts about it..

CoachJenK :

well the thoughts are what they are.

CoachJenK :

and you are feeling your way through it and that is okay.

Customer:

I had a general talk with my parents the other day and all they did was telling me about examples of people who let go of a good relationship and they ended up badly as it comes to relations.. What do you think about that fact?


 

CoachJenK :

I can understand their view but in the end it is about what you feel and what you want in a relationship.

CoachJenK :

but you dont have to rush to make any decisions...you can take the time to see if things feel better for you in terms of a spark.

Customer:

The other day smth very intense happened inside me when I saw a girl..

CoachJenK :

you had a big spark!

CoachJenK :

and that told you what you are missing in your current relationship.

Customer:

Let me tell you about thaat! It was very strange..

Customer:

I wrote a paragraph the other day about that for you..


A few days ago I went to see a friend of mine at a caffee. Everything was fine and we talked about many things. Many attended and beautiful girls were walking by – like they always do at the universities. But it was all routine – you just get used to it J.



All of a sudden I saw a girl who really upset my mind! What happened inside me from her rarely happens to me, really rarely – maybe once in a year or so I think. I will try to express what happened inside me: When I saw her, it was as if my soul calmly said to me: “I feel satisfied now”. It was a delicate feeling of satisfaction in my stomach. The next few seconds, when I focused at her face, a new feeling happened: I felt intense interest. She seemed really interesting, like… like I knew her and I wanted to do something for her, anything! (she seemed to be: dynamic, practical, serious, very caring of herself).



What was that? Does that indicate something? Have you had this feeling? What should someone do with it? How reliable is it? What does it mean?


CoachJenK :

it means that you can feel a spark and you had interest in someone.

CoachJenK :

its that simple.

CoachJenK :

I think you question whether you can feel that spark and it shows you that you can.

Customer:

Smth inside me tells me that "com' on that's just a spark: as soon as it starts, as soon it will end", you know what I mean..

Customer:

that its just a firework

CoachJenK :

firewroks at the beginning of a relationship do settle into something more comfortable at some point but you havent said that you have felt any spark where you are now

Customer:

Now I think that you said smth very important.


Can you explain to me what you mean by that? I mean, that transformation of a spark to smth more comfortable..

CoachJenK :

sure...

CoachJenK :

at the beginning of a new relationship we have a rush, fireworks, passion, craziness, excitement....cloud nine. then as we get more comfortable and the relationship deepens o the emotional level those feelings described above arent as intense...the couldnt be because none of us would really function well with that intensity all the time.

CoachJenK :

the endorphin rush we get simmers down a bit.

Customer:

then the question is, since it will settle down, what exactly is that, that makes it more "extrordinary" for someone that a relationship that didn't have that initial spark but that has the Love inside it? (you know what I mean)

CoachJenK :

the sprak and desire sill remains but not at the intensity as it is at the beginning.

CoachJenK :

the love may be more of a deep friendship or almost familial feeling rather than a love-lover relationship.

Customer:

It is a strange thing that chemistry.. Why seeing so many beautiful people of the other sex but feeling the spark for only one of them? What does your heart tell you with that?

CoachJenK :

you are so right...chemistry is a truly interesting phenomenon and one that almost cannot be explained other than in the way you just did...some people you have it with and others you just dont.

Customer:

I'll be back in 2 mins..

CoachJenK :

ok

Customer:

I am here.. :)

CoachJenK :

ok

Customer:

If you were me, and you had the experience and the koowledge that you have, what would you do? (feel free to ask me anything in order to better answer that question)

CoachJenK :

such a tough question.....

CoachJenK :

and really so hard for me to answer as i have not been in that situation so i cant really know how it would be for me.

Customer:

mmm..

CoachJenK :

I know...annoying.

CoachJenK :

:-)

Customer:

no not at all

CoachJenK :

but I guess by me not being in that situation ever also indicates something...that i guess I wouldnt be.

Customer:

Ah.. I want to say so many things but dont know what is right and what is just flattery - you know, blah-blah.

Customer:

Can you help me with questions to identify what is the best road for me to take?

CoachJenK :

i think that you should follow your heart and your gut and do what feels right for you moving forward in this relationship. it is less important about what i feel or your parents.

CoachJenK :

ask yourself:

CoachJenK :

can I be with her for the rest of my life and feel fulfilled

CoachJenK :

Can I have a healthy intimate relationship with her

CoachJenK :

is the deep love that exists enough or do I need more...such as the spark

CoachJenK :

will I always feel that something is missing or that I am missing something

CoachJenK :

am I missing the best thing that is right in front of me...her

CoachJenK :

those are the things you need to ask yourself and really spend time thinking about.

CoachJenK :

but in the end only you can decide what you want and how to proceed.

Customer:

And if I cannot answer clearly yes or no to some of these questions, do you think that giving more time and energy to my relationship will actually straighten that out, as long as I also take care of my life's other issues as best as I can?

CoachJenK :

yes....I think you should give this some time and thought...they cant be answered quickly. so put some time and energy in as you have and see how it all plays out.

Customer:

Thank you for this advice, and I appreciate that you share with me your time.

CoachJenK :

you are very welcome. It is my pleasure. You can come to me anytime. you are thoughtful caring and smart. take it slow.

CoachJenK :

I appreciate another positive rating if you would be so kind.

Customer:

Ofcourse! Can I ask you smth last?

CoachJenK :

yes

Customer:

I am generally a man of energies. I felt in my life that it was as if I was born riding a dragon while other people were mostly riding lets say a horse. But being unable to control a dragon, my life seemed mostly confusing and never focused - which kid can lead a dragon to the right direction? I may be talking childish, but do you think that I could find a mate who is in unison with those "energies" of mine?

Customer:

Ahh, foolish questions - dont mind me. I guess I just want to explore and talk. Thanks anyway.

CoachJenK :

simply stated...YES

CoachJenK :

there is a match for all of us and we deserve to go out there and find it!

CoachJenK :

when those energies are in line...that is chemistry.

Customer:

I wish you are right. :) I feel a little childish now though.. I'll reach you again if I have some (I hope more practical) questions.

CoachJenK :

we are all children at heart. no worries. go be light and free. talk again when you need to.

Customer:

Do your best out there! Not only for the others but for you as well.

CoachJenK :

thanks for the smile.

CoachJenK :

Please offer a rating now if you will so I can be credited for my time. thanks so much.

Customer:
Coach Jen K., LMSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1715
Experience: Providing the Utmost Care and Support
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