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Santo B
Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 83
Experience:  Clinical Social Work
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Lost my heart 30 years ago (never-married). I have not seen nor written or talked with her during this absence. Nothing has changed for me. Every day I see the image my eyes last saw of her. There are no do-over's. We are 3000 miles apart. I am about to turn 60 and I was recently asked if I have any regrets. Just one. For 30 years I have been depressed. I learned ways to function (try to keep a job) to get past the sucidial thoughts that occur upon waking after sleep. Consequently, I do not enjoy sleeping, so I fight it. I hide my emotions but I feel anger, remourse, guilt, as part of daily life and consider it a given. But Shame is the emotion that hurts the most. I walked away from my soulmate. I have been running away ever since. I have been advised that I have punished myself enough and that I should write her and tell her. Do you agree?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Santo B replied 2 years ago.

Santo B :

My name is XXXXX XXXXX I hold a Clinical Master's Degree in Social Work with a focus on Adult Mental Health. I currently provide general Life Coaching.

Santo B :

Please allow me a moment to read the question

Santo B :

Well, can you give me a little background information as to what happened 30 years ago that caused you to walk away from your soulmate?

Santo B :

What are the reasons you never decided to contact her? Did something happened that caused a rift between the two of you 30 years ago.

Santo B :

Were ever able to form any other meaningful relationships, although you have never been married?

Customer:

My head was in the books, we were living together, she a police officer ( in-training), and I was on my way to law school. People took me to a party and they put cocaine in front of me. I did not partake. I saw the "black cloud" hanging over me and I could not be responsible for bringing her pain. I left and took the pain with me.

Santo B :

Did she partake? I am unsure how that translate into leaving someone and not looking back?

Customer:

I have been unable to heal my heart. I do not take any medication other then an occasional sleeping aid (Restoril) Other professionals in this field have suggested that I write to her. Other's have said, and I quasi-agree, I cannot contact her, she has made a life for herself now, and I have no right to change, enhance, or influcence her life. The flip side is--suppose me leaving made her as unhappy as me, Am I now correcting a wrong?


 

Santo B :

I think it would be fine to write her, even healthy. It seems as though you have never reconciled the end of the relationship. If you did write her, what would write to her.

Santo B :

I think that you writing her would alleviate some of the regret that you suffer.

Santo B :

I would like if you could explain the circumstances surrounding your break up with her.

Santo B :

Are you still there?

Customer:

She was not at this party, she was working and I was taken there. All I could see was I was at a party, I knew no one, pictures were taken and cocaine was on a table in front of me. This would have always been used against us. This would have damaged her career, and our future. 1985 I had a vasctomy, if I couldn't have her kids, I didn't want any. Relationships? NO ...I have stayed distant. I'm not able to --let myself--crawl inside another soul. I will block anyone from getting to close. Trust is an issue, I have flaws


 

Santo B :

We all have flaws. No one is perfect. So because of that incident you ended the relationship. Now you want to write to her. What would you like to write? What would alleviate your anger, remorse, guilt, and regret?

Santo B :

I think the act of writing the letter would be an exercise that would be more for your well-being than for hers.

Santo B :

Why did you get a vasectomy?

Customer:

That's kind-of what I think. Writing her is an exercise of futility, and would only benefit me and my selfishness.


I wanted her babies. I never thought I would live to see 60 and to get to this point without my partner?

Santo B :

It is an exercise to benefit you. I believe it will help move forward to possibly enjoy the rest of your life. Why is it hard to believe that you made it to 60 years of age? After that night, what did you do? Did you pursue a career in law? What would you consider your accomplishments and successes?

Customer:

I don't need of picture of her. The image is engrained in my memory--the sadness in her eyes.


 

Santo B :

I am not sure I am following you. Did something else happen that caused the break up and her sadness?

Customer:

NO... I drove a truck around the US, 2 million miles , a golf pro, pro golfer, laborer, genral manager, I now work at a private country club earning 10 an hour in maintenance. Nothing else happened. It was the look in her eyes before I left for the airport. She never married--I just recently did an online check through Intellius


 

Santo B :

Ok. Now, if you decide to follow through with a letter or written correspondence, what do you plan on writing? Also, have you pursued a therapeutic relationship with a counselor? You mentioned earlier that you hate sleeping and you had thoughts of hurting yourself, is this something that is continuous and have you tried to hurt yourself? You mentioned that you take Restoril for sleep, is that prescribed by a psychiatrist?

Customer:

Do you see Mr. Santo? The night I walked out the door away from her, is the day I walked out on myself. Good questions: I don't know what I would write. Yes, I have had many conversations with Doctors over the years. I'm clinical controlled depressed person. When I wake up after sleep, my first thought is when do I not get to wake up. Let me say it this way: I've got one bullet, and it sits on my dresser. And every morning I pick-it-up and say to myself-- today? and then I set it back down on the dresser and say to myself "maybe tomorrow, but not today. Yes the Restoril was prescribed to me about 20 years ago


 

Santo B :

Have you discussed the suicidal thoughts with your physician?

Customer:

I think I can honestly say that "shame" I think is a misunderstood emotion.


 

Customer:

Yes the physicians know.


 

Santo B :

What have they said about it? Are they concerned for your well-being?

Customer:

I had golf students over the years that were professionals in various fields of endeavors, and occasionally we would have dinner and I could tackle their intellect. Yes, my physicians are concernned. I guess if I could see her for just 5 minutes and she could forgive---I don't know. My sure this is all about my selfishness, but suppose I'm the one that is responsible for her lifetime of unhappiness?

Santo B :

I don't believe that anyone has that much power or influence over someone else's life. I am not sure that what I am saying is helping. I am having some trouble following this conversation.

Customer:

I bonded with her, and I left her. You understand, we were becoming one. And we were happy. And I left her because I loved her and wanted to protect her and I perhaps did neither, but made her more vunerable to the realities of living. That makes me coward, shame on me

Customer:
Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 83
Experience: Clinical Social Work
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Santo B
Santo B
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Clinical Social Work