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Dan B.
Dan B., Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 19
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
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Hi there! I wanted to ask a question to you. I am dating this

Customer Question

Hi there! I wanted to ask a question to you. I am dating this girl (Ange) that I am quite interested in. We have been dating for about 9 weeks. I have met her sister twice and get along well with her. I was thinking about asking Ange for her sister's phone number for two reasons: 1) to ask about advice regarding Ange's specific taste because I want to do a little surprise for her. 2) just to generally check if her sister thinks we are on right track and if she has any specific advice etc. I know Ange is into me and that we are progressing but she is also a bit back and forth so would be good to know if she thinks that things are on right track etc. My question is: would it be ok for me to ask Ange for her phone number and would it be ok for me to ask her sister these things?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dan B. replied 2 years ago.

danb :

Hi. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I would be happy to help you with your question.

danb :

Are you available to chat?

Customer:

Hey

Customer:

Yes

danb :

OK. great.

danb :

I think that you have a really good idea to talk to someone about what she may like, etc, and to get help with the surprise. I would be careful how you go about it though.

Customer:

ok

danb :

Do you have any reason to believe that she may become suspicious if you ask for her sister's phone number or that her sister may misinterpret this?

Customer:

no, not really. it should be fine. I also want to ask the follow-up questions if her sister has any advice etc and that she can confirm things are on the right track...

Customer:

of course I wouldnt want her sister to leak anything back to Ange, but im pretty confident should be ok

danb :

I think that should be fine. The only part you want to be careful of is that you don't want to put her sister in a difficult position of feeling like she needs to say something that her sister wouldn't want her to, such as if her sister has confided in her that maybe things aren't great. But it sounds like, in general you are pretty confident that she is into you, and you just want a little inside help in showing her that you are into her and giving her a little surprise. I think that this should be OK.

danb :

Over all a good plan I would say. I don't see any problems.

Customer:

ok. one more quick question. how important would you say it is to be a bit of a challenge (not be a walk-over) AFter all, people always want what they cant have?

Customer:

And what are some of the different ways you recommend to do that?

danb :

My personal opinion is that the tendency for people to want what they seemingly can't have is related to the way that this looks like self sufficiency and confidence in the other person. In other words. I think that people are attracted to other people who seem whole complete and happy on their own without necessarily needing someone else to make them whole. So, if you go about it from that angle, it takes away the acting part. Rather than playing hard to get you are simply displaying the confidence that you can make it on your own, and don't really "need" someone else to be whole.

danb :

Does that make sense? As I read it back it looks a bit jumbled up.

Customer:

so basically you are saying it's not really about "playing hard to get", it is just about having a lot of confidence and showing that you are independent, not needy and can be happy on your own etc?

danb :

Yes. Exactly. You said it way better than I did.

danb :

Anything else? If not, I wish you the best of luck.

Customer:

one last question: I will tell you why I think she is into me: she wants to meet my siblings and she has already introduced me to some of her best friends and her sister which are the most important people for her. Would you agree that is a good sign? Otherwise we are just hanging out maybe twice a week or so...and sometimes she texts me a lot and sometimes less but I guess that is the way it goes right...



 

Customer:

sorry, I do have one final question after this one if that is ok...

danb :

I think that is indeed a good sign. It sounds like you guys have a very sensible and mature relationship. The fact that you both are really comfortable with each other to share time with family and friends is very important. And yes... that is often the "way that it goes." the fact that you are accepting of the fact that she may have other things in her life and may not always have the time to text, show exactly that confidence and self sufficiency that we were talking about.

danb :

Go ahead with another, no problem.

Customer:

she recently had her best friend visit from abroad. they had not seen each other for over a year so naturally she was very excited to see her. The girl im dating (Ange) has experimented with her best friend before. She said they had tried oral sex 1-2 years ago. Then now when her best friend was visiting they were sleeping in same bed after being drunk etc. Should I be concerned? She did text me on the same evening that she wishes I was there so she could have sex etc. However, when hanging out with both of them for dinner I could see how much Ange seemed to be "into" her.... maybe I am just imagining things but just wanted to ask you. I did ask her and she said that they didnt do anything etc...but she did say at first that she didnt really want to speak about it, seemed slightly uncomfortable discussing it but was still open about telling me that they had a little history but that nothing happened. Besides this she has only dated guys but has facebook 4-5 facebook pics of kissing girls on cheek when she is partying/drunk. How do you read into this?

danb :

Overall I would say that your instincts are dead on. Go with what they tell you, so if she hasn't texted in a while, and it's seemingly too long, then go ahead and text her. Make sure you don't delay due to worry about being needy. You will both need to carry the responsibility for the relationship and moving it forward.

danb :

one minute, I'm reading your last post

danb :

Hmmm. That's a tougher one. It is actually fairly common for people to experiment with friends sexually, and this doesn't mean that there is necessarily anything more there. More often than not this experimentation occurs with friends due to the comfort level that already exists. Then the friendship resumes without necessarily having any further sexual component. I don't know if you ever experienced this with any friends at any point. If so, you may be able to relate that it was something that happened out of curiosity, but now if you see each other there is likely no sexuality involved. So, while it does not necessarily mean anything in itself, there is no way to be 100% certain. You will have to trust your gut. I would say however, that the fact taht she was honest with you about it is a good sign.

danb :

Her discomfort could have just as easily have been related to their history and sharing that. While this kind of experimentation may be common, it is seldom discussed.

Customer:

ok

danb :

As far as the pictures go, my experience has been that this is something that girls just do when drunk. No harm.

danb :

If you are satisfied with my answers please do leave some feedback if you will. It is much appreciated. If you have further questions, fire away.

Customer:

so basically regarding this last point. the good thing is that she is honest and open about it and what she is doing is quite normal. I should trust her on this point and just have a lot of confidence and move on....? Should I ask her more questions about it or just play cool with it?

danb :

I think the fact that she is open and honest is a good sign. At some point in every relationship there comes a time when faith (belief without absolute proof) is all you have to go on. If you are satisfied, with her answers, you will have to choose to trust her and let it drop. If you are not, then you should share this with her and hope to get some satisfactory answer. There will never be conclusive proof though. Eventually, if she continues to say that nothing happened, you will have to have faith and choose to believe her and move on. If you can't believe her, there is nothing that can be done, this would make it a deal breaker.

danb :

If you put yourself in her shoes, think of how difficult it would be to share something like this in a young relationship, knowing that it could bring up suspicion.

Customer:

ok, so basically I should have understanding and compassion for her and believe her... :)

danb :

I think so, yes...

Customer:

ok cool. thanks for help!

danb :

You bet. I wish you the best of luck in your relationship.

Dan B., Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 19
Experience: Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor
Dan B. and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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