Hi. My ex girlfriend and I recently broke up about a week ago. We had been going out for about 2 and a half years, but had been seeing each other for about 3 years. She broke up with me because she was unhappy in the relationship and had been for some time. I have my flaws which has most likely caused her to be unhappy. When we first started going out we were happy and had a fun relationship, always doing different things and going out. After about a year I moved away for uni. We still saw each other occasionally and still had a very strong bond, but I sometimes became jealous and we were unable to do the fun things together any more that initially caused us to fall in love. Recently she moved to where I was doing uni to be with me and complete her university degree as well. Since she has been there she says things are no longer the same and that the year or so apart has changed things. I agree that we are no longer the fun couple we once were, but would have preferred to work at it than break up. I have given her space and only talk to her when she gets in contact with me because I don't want to be the annoying love sick ex boyfriend. I constantly think about her but do not want to harrass her in any way. She says she still loves me and I am still her best friend. I want to show her that I am still the same person she fell in love with and that we can have fun again. I don't want to be the serious and jealous guy who I have turned into, and I know I can change this about myself because I would do anything if it meant returning to the happy times in our relationship. I don't want to just give up on her, but I don't want to force the issue at the same time. What should I do?
I caught up with her last week. We didn't really talk about our issues. I just shouted her for lunch and had a good chat. I didn't want to bring up bad memories.
Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.
i am sorry to hear about the pain you are in now.
I think the best thing right now is to give some space to it to allow for some of the old feelings to come up and for her to miss you a bit.
I do commend you for being able to look at yourself to know where things could be improved but remember two people are in the relationship and it is not all you.
Yeah I think no body is perfect. But I am not happy in the way I have acted in past times. I feel like I have caused us to be distanced and I should be the one trying to fix it
And that is wonderful and I think you will be able to with a bit of space to it now and then coming to her to let her know what you have discovered in yourself and what you are willing to work on so you can be together.
should I still be keeping in contact every now and then to let her know I still care? I don't want to distance myself too much in case it drives us further apart. But I also don't want to get too close in case I am just a fool in believing there might be still a chance to fix things
and also I want to respect that she wants space
how is the contact now? is it you initiating or does she reach out as well. This is very fresh and raw for both of you
most of us fear that if we dont stay on top of things it will be taken as not caring but in essence it is us respecting the boundaries as you just stated.
you might want to send her an email...light, not too heavy that says...I love you and want to be with you and am willing to do the work on myself and with us to make that happen. You have requested space now and i will honor that request, but just know I am here and desirous.
how does that sound?
well we caught up after a week post break up and that was both of our decisions. She still sends me the occasional message but doesn't write back all the time after me replying. Yes, it sounds good. But I have already told her that I am willing to work on things and think that things can work out for us as long as we still loved each other
she said...."that's really nice. But I just think I need to be by myself for a while"
ok so she is telling you where she is...I can only tell you what my experience has been...if she is asking for space, she needs it....staying too much in touch could cause her to distance herself even more. Let her reach out and miss you a bit if you can tolerate that.
Ok. I guess there is no time limit on these things...but how long would that usually take? and what do I do if she gets in contact with me in the mean time? when we caught up the other day we had a good time and I told her I loved her and that I want her to be happy. Was that a good thing to do?
If she reaches out to you, reach back for sure.
but I didnt say much more about our relationship. Just tried to have a good time and leave a good impression without trying to bring up bad memories
time is hard to decide upon, but you can always come back to me and let me know where things are and I can offer my view.
yes that was a good idea and it allowed her to have fun
your expression of feelings was a wonderful thing and I am sure she took it all in
Is there anything else, other than giving her time, I can do in the mean time to help the situation?
yes for sure....
focus on you and caring for yourself during this time which is very hard on you...keep up with the things you enjoy doing and keep up your strength
come to me anytime you need support to get through this.
I am rooting for you
Ok. Do people often have success in getting back together? I have in the past been a believer that it often won't work.
I have seen it for sure....if both have a willingness and this respect for space can be given.
I am not giving you false hope...I have seen it happen.
Ok thank you. I guess time will tell.
yes and i know how hard it is to give that ime...so hang on as best you can.
I hope I have provided you great support and if you can rate me now and hopefully you feel I have given you that.
Providing the utmost care and support.